


Tell Me My Worth

by nakala



Category: Glee
Genre: Almost AU, Blaine has all the knowledge, F/M, Finding your inner you, Hurt/Comfort, Kind of a songfic, Kurt and Mercedes BFFs, Kurt is an awesome friend, M/M, Puck and Kurt Friendship, Romance, Secret Relationship, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 03:50:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 53,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6499660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakala/pseuds/nakala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes secrets are fun but the fun only lasts until someone gets hurt.  Mercedes has allowed others to define her worth for so long that she doesn't even recognize herself in the mirror.  What will it take for her to find herself and her value?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Prologue

He broke up with me right before he started dating Quinn.

Was it a big deal?

To me.

But no one else knew except me and him. We were friendly in public, but that's it; just friends. We talked, knew each other on a basal level. He made sure we were close enough friends that no one would question us being together openly. I thought that I had won the lottery the day he pulled me into the janitor's closet. I mean who wouldn't. The boy is built like a Greek god, and his lips were made to kiss. To sum it up, the boy is fine as in F-O-I-N-E. I was smitten, and he didn't even have to try hard at all. Boy was I a fool. He told me he thought that I was the prettiest girl he had ever seen, and I assumed he'd seen enough for that to mean a lot. There again, boy was I foolish. Well, you know what they say happens when you assume. Unfortunately for me, I became just that, and I was the one walking around with poop on my face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was birthed while reading a fic from another tv show where the girl cheated on her boyfriend, bad right? But it was a little bit warranted. However, she felt so guilty she let the guy she hurt use her while remaining his secret girlfriend and being the brunt of all of his issues. 
> 
> This is me trying to fix that. Mercedes is only going to take so much for so long, as would any woman with a morsel of self respect.
> 
> Hope you stick around for more.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where we're introduced to Sam and in the closet Mercedes.

I was walking down the hallway when I felt him grab my arm and snatch me into _our_ janitor's closet.

"Hey, Mercedes, I think we need to talk."

"What about Sam." I was beginning to get tired of our secret _rendezvous_ in the janitor's closet, in the back seat of his car, at my home when my parents weren't there, and that God forsaken motel. He looked at me nonplussed. I had never spoken to him like that. Like I couldn't care less what was about to spew from his stupid big lips. He shook from his obvious confusion and proceeded with his _talk_.

"Look, I know we've been going out for some time now, and I don't think it's working out."

"Really, you're breaking up with _me_?" I couldn't stop myself from thinking that this shouldn't be happening. Things were good, at least I thought they were good. There were never any signs that would point to this mess going down (I mean except for the fact that I was his closet girlfriend).

"Mercedes I'm really sorry. Maybe we can be friends."

"Friends? Sam I don't understand we… we were just…just together last night, and you decide to break up with me today? Why not before you spent the night with me? Huh? This is crazy. I must be going crazy. I heard you wrong because Sam I swear-"

"Mercedes I don't want to fight with you, I like you, I do, it's just that it's not fair to you. All this hiding, but I can't, you know."

I knew. What was there not to know. He was new to school and everybody and their rickety old grandmas were trying to get all up in his butt, trying to convince him to be their friend or girlfriend only to bolster their lame status at school while promising him the same thing. That was the reason he wanted to keep _this_ a secret; he didn't want the extra attention and neither did I. Would it have helped my status, I don't know; he was new and I was at the bottom. So I went along with it.

"Yeah, I know, but why now? You could have told me when you had your liver lips all over me last night. Or, wait, what about before you stepped one foot into my house. You're full of it. Why? I know you didn't come up with this all by yourself."

"Bambs, I-"

"Don't call me that you old man's wrinkly crotch."

"Why not? I always call you that."

I had to roll my eyes. Usually I just let Sam be…you know…Sam, a little dumb, confused, pretty dense, but I couldn't let him slide at that moment. He was taking his football cleats and kicking me in the chest. My heart hurt. It did, but no matter how much it was aching to get out I could not allow my hurt to join the party. So, I gave him angry black woman who had no diary so all her pent up anger spilled onto him.

"You wanna know why? Let me tell you why? Because you're stupid, and at this moment I don't know why I never told you before. Sam you are the single most dim witted person I have ever met. You are so lost and moronic it's ridiculous. It's almost laughable how clueless you can be. Maybe I'm the idiot for putting up with your ignorance for so long. Sam you're the dumbest piece of crap. You are so pathetic." I spit every word at him like I was delivering a one two punch uppercut combination. I was fuming.

Sam stared at me in shock. He was hurt and I could see it. I reveled in it. The big lipped blonde that stood in front of me deserved everything I had said (at least that's what I felt at the time). He told me once that that was his biggest insecurity. He said he always felt less than everyone else because he wasn't smart. It was the reason he didn't speak a lot, except around me because I didn't make him feel stupid; I made him feel free to be himself.

"Wow, Mercedes I never…I, uh, I'm gonna go. Sorry." He walked past me with his head hanging down and possibly a tear in his eye, but I couldn't have cared any less if he was on fire, skin melting, reaching out for me squealing from pain for my help. I let him walk out, without another glance in his direction. We were over. So I was over him. I didn't need him no matter how much I loved him. We never said it, but I know I felt it and I thought he did too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this seems kind of odd but just hang in there there's more to come and more drama ahead.


	3. Chapter 2

It has been seven months since the day Sam and I broke-up (believe me I use the term loosely). We have been together for six months, and I know you're going to hate me for this, nobody knows except me and him. It isn't just him this time; it's me too. I felt guilty for the pain I caused him.

It isn't only the fact that he was possibly the most beautiful guy I had ever seen that has me fawning over him like I'm a love-sick puppy, but that he opened up to me. Sam wasn't afraid to give himself to me. I know at this point you may think that I gave it up to him the moment he opened those scrumptious lips to ask me out, but I didn't. It wasn't until a couple of weeks later that I gave in to his many failed attempts. And the only reason I made love to him was because we had connected on a deeper level and it just felt right. He would talk to me about anything; his problems with his family, financial or otherwise, how hard it was for him to be the new guy in school and the pressure he was under because of all of that. There were a lot of nonsense things in there too, and I mean a lot. Sam isn't smart and things seem to fly over his head (and I need to use a better word because you see a lot just doesn't do his ignorance justice) in obscenely large amounts. Nevertheless, it doesn't bother me because that's who he is, and I love him.

The day we started our physical relationship was the day he told me about the thing that has been plaguing him his entire life. He told me how when he was a little younger (before he became the ripped Greek god he is today) he was constantly ridiculed about his mental incapability. In the beginning he tried to defend himself, fight back, but he was a scrawny little thing and got his butt handed to him one too many times and decided on another approach. He simply spoke less. That worked for him, so, he just stuck with it even though he had grown and could definitely defend himself. Because of that he always felt inadequate, like he wasn't smart enough, but I made him feel different. I made him feel like he could be who he was because who he was, was good enough.

Did Sam deserve some cruel words from me? Heck yeah! But I shouldn't have used the issue that made him feel most vulnerable, and the very thing that he thought he could trust me not to use.

The other reason why I am secretly dating Sam again is that I knew things would turn upside down and backwards if he were to be seen walking me down the halls of McKinley. He would be the biggest target for slushy facials and the football players would never let him hear the end of it. Sam's not as strong as I am; he wouldn't be able to tolerate it like I do. It would probably crush him. He kind of has an 'I need everyone to like me' complex. Add that to the fact that he doesn't like confrontation, and you get someone who would probably freak with anxiety attacks with the expectation of being assaulted every day.

Also, he didn't hurt me on purpose, if anything he was trying to spare my feelings. Sam never attacked me personally, which I did (not exactly my proudest moment) and it ruined him. I diminished what little part of what we had that was pure. I kind of figured I owed him my compliance until he was ready for us to be more than his best kept secret because after the argument, Sam was a total wreck. He wasn't eating, and from the looks of things he wasn't sleeping. That lasted for about three weeks after our argument.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave a comment. I really would like to know what you think, good or bad.


	4. Chapter 3

Glee rehearsal was over, and I was packing my bags when I felt him standing behind me. Don't ask me how I knew, I just did. I can always feel him when he is near me. Putting my music folder in my bag, I stood up to walk past Sam. I hadn't looked at him, spoken to him, or done anything that would resemble friendship since we ended _us,_ and I was filled with too much guilt and anger to change that after only three weeks.

Just as I reached his side, he caught my hand. I tried to jerk my hand away only to be met with resistance. Sam gripped my hand tighter refusing to let it go. Yeah I'm a big girl, but despite what some people think, I'm not stronger than a guy, especially a buff, physically fit guy. So I stopped. I had had enough fighting with Sam; the one time was more than enough. However, I didn't say I was willing to give in; therefore, I didn't look at him or acknowledge his presence. But Sam could be a little stubborn when he wanted to be, and turned me to face him.

Facing him, the animosity I held toward him lessened with one look in his eyes.

"Mercedes, I can't do this."

"What can't you do Sam?" I was defeated. I was falling into his grasp again, and there was nothing I could or wanted to do about it.

"This distance. Us not…talking. I don't know if we can be what we were or even if we are ready to go back to that."

"What are you saying Sam?"

"I want you back. I don't know if I want you as my girlfriend right now…you hurt me. You know?"

"I know, and I am really sorry about that." I spoke low embarrassed at how I had acted.

"Yeah, look, I'm not saying that I'm ready to go public. I don't think I'm even ready to be your boyfriend again because I'm still kind of mad at you, but I need you in my life. If that makes any sense."

"It doesn't make a lot of sense, but I follow you." After _dating_ (and here again I use the term loosely) for a while, it wasn't hard for me to keep up with his nonsense because somehow to me it made perfect sense.

"I miss you Mercedes, and I just want to be around you again. I don't know where we're going but I want you around. I love you, Bambs."

Here it was, my opportunity to assert myself in this _relationship_ or whatever it was going to be or not be, but I decided to say nothing. I missed him too. "I know Sam. I love you too."

That night he came over and we _talked._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clear up any confusion if some may arise. The prologue was kind of a summary intro to the story that references what is talked about in this chapter.
> 
> So with that said enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think.

**Disclaimer: don't own glee or its characters just my story**

I know. I can't even believe _this_ happened again, but it did. I love him and I found it hard to resist him. Could you resist him? Probably not. And because of his irresistibility, I put myself back in a non-relationship with the only guy I have ever _loved_. I also felt I owed him time to figure us out. I was really mean to him and if I hadn't been so cruel he wouldn't be dating other people. Do I think he should be dating other people when he's trying to figure things out with us? No, of course not, but it's not like I can really say anything because technically we are not together. Yeah, we're _together,_ but not together as in a relationship. I guess he just wasn't ready for that, and who was I to tell him how to feel.

I just wish everything was better (whatever that would be at this point).

We weren't _together_ for a week before I noticed him and Quinn getting close. She approached him from my understanding. Not that that matters. We were _talking_ now, and so what if we weren't technically together public or private I didn't want him with anyone else. He shouldn't have wanted to be with anyone else, but rumors were starting to fly that he was gay; no straight guy wants to be labeled as gay. At least not Sam. Someone more secure in who he is wouldn't care, but Sam's not that confident in himself (I know I just contradicted myself, I'm human sue me). He needs people to like him. Me? I don't really care what people think of me, guess it sort of comes with the territory (being an outsider).

He couldn't be with me in public; so, he had to have someone. At least that's what I wanted to think. His image is important; he is the quarterback. I also know how much of a viper Quinn can be. The Puck/Finn fiasco says it all. So I was sure she held the majority of the blame for their recent closeness. So I gave it two weeks, I wasn't going to wait any longer than that, before I needed to say something to him about it. No matter how sure I was that the blame didn't solely rest on Sam's head, I had to make sure. I just couldn't take my word for it.


	6. Chapter 5

Both my parents were gone for the weekend, and I was home alone. Sam was on his way over just like every weekend my parents weren't home. He would be arriving in less than 10 minutes, but instead of the usual greeting of immediate oral cavity interaction followed by going to my bedroom, I was sitting on the couch in my sweats and t-shirt waiting to get things straightened out about what was really going on with him and Quinn. More importantly, I wanted some answers about what, or rather, who, I was to him.

When he walked in, his face was skewed; he didn't get what he was expecting. It's understandable; who wouldn't miss being welcomed by my sensuous lips. I would. Of course this signaled something was wrong, but he ignored it and joined me on the couch leading with his fat lips.

"Stop. That's not why you're here." I had to push his soft lips away from my face, which in that moment required all of the strength I had not to pull them back to me.

"Huh?" I nearly burst into laughter at the way his face scrunched up. He is so cute, but I meant business, I couldn't allow him to intoxicate my mind with his charm.

"No, we're not doing _anything_ today." His confusion quickly turned to disappointment at the knowledge of knowing I was not giving him what he wanted. I was fine with disappointment. I could work with disappointment.

"Aww, come on. Why not?"

"Let's see…is it because you have been dating Quinn for the past two weeks…or…is it that you didn't tell me you were dating said skank…oh wait, here's a better one, is it because you are _not_ with me at the same time that you're with Quinn…or…is it all of the above Sammy?" I grew more livid as I listed off all of the things he had done wrong while he stood from the couch looking more confused than when I told him I would never watch Avatar with him. Ever.

"I-I'm not really dating Quinn."

"So that's what you come up with. Seriously Sam? I shouldn't even be wasting my time with this. Just go." I had given up. He was clearly lying, something he didn't readily do, and that was it for me. I wanted it to be it for me.

"No, Mercedes, I promise you, I am not lying. I'm not going with Quinn for real. It's fake, you know, like what you had with Puck. That's all I swear." Sam has the most genuine eyes; I like to think that I can tell if he's lying by his eyes.

I had to think on this for a minute. Who knew more about being in a fake relationship than me? I had a fabricated relationship in my head with Kurt for a while, and then there was the pseudo-public relationship I had with Puck that only benefited him from appearance in the end. I really wish I was aware of that back then because that was really stupid of me to be in a relationship where I wasn't getting my fair share in the relationship. But I digress. Could I believe what Sam was telling me? I wouldn't have to stretch my imagination that far to accept it. The lingering question looming in my mind was would Quinn actually do something like that.

"Sam I don't know if I believe you. Why didn't you tell me?" I needed him to reassure me, to make me believe what I didn't.

"Well… I just- I guess I didn't think I needed to. Before you go all crazy, let me explain. It isn't real. Quinn is dating me for the popularity. I'm the quarterback now, and she's a cheerio. It just makes sense."

"Okay so it makes sense that still doesn't explain anything. It's not real; but you are with her more than you are with me." The hurt I felt was finding its way to the surface, and try as I may, I couldn't keep it from overriding my anger.

"Only in public. It is just for looks. We don't talk or kiss or anything else. We just hold hands and hug. That's all I promise, Mercedes, and we just do that stuff for looks only." Looking at him the doubt that I desperately wanted to evade easily slipped away. I wanted to believe him so I did. It also didn't hurt that I knew Quinn wasn't putting out. So what we had wasn't in any real jeopardy as far as that was concerned.

"Okay I believe you. I don't like it. But I understand."

The problem was that we weren't anything. Not anything that was at risk of being abolished. I had no idea what I was to Sam, and I wasn't sure if he knew what I was to him. We weren't what we  _were_ by definition so where did that leave me.

"Uh, Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I know we haven't really talked about it, well listen to that, correction, we haven't talked much at all since we became what we are now." I was kind of talking more to myself than him as the realization slapped me in my face. "Anyways, what I was saying is, we haven't talked about _us_ …what we are."

"I can't say what we are. I mean it hasn't been that long since we kind of made up, and I care about you a lot, but I'm just not over what you said to me. It hurt a lot. I just know that I don't want to be without you. That's the best I can do for now; I just hope that you can wait on me to come around." I couldn't believe what he had just said. How could he not be sure of what we were? It's not like we were taking things slow, yeah, we weren't talking like we used to, but we were doing everything else.

"Wait for you to come around?"

"Yeah, Mercedes, you gotta know that I love you. It's just that I get so angry sometimes thinking about what you said to me."

"I think I know you love me."

"I do. I really do, Bambs. I just need time." He wanted time. Did I need to give him time? Definitely not, but I love him so much that I couldn't deny him his time. Time for what; how was I supposed to know. It wasn't like we were a normal couple that did stuff together before, so, I assumed time was needed for him to get back to _our_ normal. I didn't have a problem with our normal before; why would I now.

"I love you too."

He gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen. It pulled me toward him, and I followed willingly. However, nothing prepared me for what was going to happen next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bambs is short for bambi because mercedes has bambi-like eyes


	7. Chapter 6

Sam and Quinn dated for an entire five months before everything hit the fan, between them that is. She apparently decided to give Finn Hudson a go again (what they see in the tall, uncoordinated, doof is beyond me). I was still lurking in the shadows playing my part, but that's all it was, a bit part in the saga that was Sam's fake love life. Things with us weren't good or bad; they just were. I don't even think I even cared that much anymore, like, I had become so desensitized to everything involving Sam that I didn't really care what was happening outside of what I had with him. You know the old adage, love is blind, well; my name should have been changed to Stevie Wonder because I wasn't seeing a thing. I didn't see that what we had was demeaning, useless, wrong, and killing the me that I was (the biggest of them all). I couldn't even see far enough to be ashamed that I had sold myself as a doormat (he paid me with his love).

Looking back, I can't see why I didn't go running for the hills the day he pulled me into the janitor's closet, or, why I didn't just stay away from him after we broke up. I mean seriously, I am gorgeous. Sometimes I don't feel like it, but I know it's true, and this me and Sam tango, was stealing that knowledge from me. How could it not? The guy I love was parading around with beautiful, miss-perfect Quinn, while I remained hidden in the closet for his personal use. Do I think Sam did this to me on purpose? No. I think…no…I believe…no…I'm sure…that's not right, I know he loved me. I treated myself like I was less than important, so, he couldn't have thought I was more than what I thought I was worth. He couldn't have, I mean, yeah he could have, but I made it too easy not to.

My self-neglect caused things to escalate to massive proportions. He started dating Santana. There was no question that it was Santana's doing; she's a manipulative wench, no secret to anyone, who loves to ruin other people's lives. Intellectually, I know, she had no idea that she was affecting me; her plan was to split up Sam and Quinn hurting Finn and Rachel in the process. It had absolutely nothing to do with me, which again shoved my position as Sam's secret into my face, and hard.

Initially I was inclined, scratch that, I believed he was innocent in all of this. I know, stupid, huh, but case in point, Santana infected herself with mono simply to give it to Finn to exploit his cheating with Quinn, and to snag Sam. She's a skeeve, truly. Sure it sounds like I am placing all the blame on Skanktana and making excuses for Sam, but admit it, Sam is gullible with a capital G. If he were a tool in a shed he would be a mallet, not a sharp point in site. I guess that's why I didn't blow up when he told me about them. He kind of possesses a childlike innocence that makes it easy to trust him when he say's nothing is happening despite all of my senses screaming at me otherwise. Deep down, like deep, really deep down, I knew I was pulling a Sam believing nothing could happen between him and Slutana, but I couldn't see past his sincere denials.

Everything had been set in motion and Stanktana (at this point I refuse to use her real name) had bagged Sam, my Sam, as a consolation prize. This was not what I had in mind when I thought of me and Sam. I did not think it would be me, Sam, and whoever else. That aside, I needed to talk to Sam about all of this.


	8. Chapter 7

It officially became official, like right before glee rehearsal (I can only assume it had been going on long before then), so now, it was my turn to pull Sam into our janitor's closet. I saw him walking down the hall alone, which had been a rare occurrence those last few months. When we were both half way to the closet door on each side; he looked up and our eyes met. We hadn't had a moment like that since we first got together; unfortunately, it didn't last long because things weren't how they used to be. I signaled to him to go into the closet, he went in smiling, and I followed.

"We haven't done this in a while; I missed it." Sam wrapped his arms around my waist tugging at the sides of my shirt pulling me closer to him. I hadn't missed it; but I gave him a quick kiss and hug anyway.

"Not sorry to disappoint, but that's the furthest thing from my mind right now, especially with you." He contorted his face into the most perplexed face I've seen on anyone. How could he not know why I wasn't happy with him? Either he was playing one heck of a game with me, or, he was actually mentally incapable of puttting two and two together. "Sam I don't have time for your games, you know what I'm talking about."

"What are you talking about? Have I done something wrong?"

"Boy, you really are a piece of work." I rolled my eyes at him and backed out of his grasp. This was just too much to be consuming. I wonder why I even got attached to him in the first place. "Does Santana ring any bells?"

"What does she have to do with anything?"

"Really Sam? Apparently you haven't heard that you two are dating, which makes no sense at all to me. How is it I know you're with Smutana but you don't? Do you think I'm stupid? Because the last time I checked that doesn't describe me."

"No Mercedes I don't think you're stupid."

"So what is it Sam?" The irritation coursing through me was quite evident by the hand gestures and neck rolling that were being tossed at Sam, yet, this fool was still having a hard time following where I was going. He stood there biting his monstrous bottom lip rubbing the back of his neck trying to figure it all out.

"Oh that…that's nothing. It's just to get Quinn back for cheating on me with Finn. Santana just wants to help me." Looking in his eyes I couldn't see a shred of deceit. He completely believed that SATANa simply wanted to be there for him.

"So, she's just dating you to help you get over someone that you have no feelings for?"

"Well…yeah. I dated Quinn, and she cheated on me." His out of character condescending tone threw me for a loop, but I'm completely sure he had no idea that he was doing such. This had to stop, if it didn't I was going to punch him in his face. Not that he didn't deserve it. I had to try one more time to get to him. Try to get him to understand exactly what he was saying.

"Sam you don't need Santana to help you get over someone that you didn't have feelings for, at least you weren't supposed to have feelings for." There I spelled it out. That should do it.

"Santana is just trying to help. It's nothing. There's nothing going on between us seriously. We just talk and stuff."

"And stuff?" I didn't even try to refrain from scowling.

"You know, go out and stuff like that."

"Okay so you guys are dating." This was not a question.

"I guess. That's what everyone assumes, and that's kind of what she thinks so…"

"So you just went along with it." Things were starting to become clear to me; Sam was in a relationship with Skeevetana (I know, losing originality) by default. I understood. It was all her fault.

"Yeah, I didn't mean for it to happen. It just sort of did." He said looking at me apologetically.

"You never answered my question about you and Quinn. Did you have feelings for her?" I was fine; I didn't doubt that he meant what he said. There were just a few things I needed to get straight.

"No! God no! Mercedes the only person I have feelings for is you." Sam lowered his head. "I never felt anything for Quinn and I definitely don't feel anything for Santana. Just you." When he finished he lifted his head slightly looking through his bangs at me. I gave him a small smile, and he took that opportunity to wrap me in gentile hug. I hugged him back giving him a soft kiss on his cheek.

All was forgiven. I could never resist him (a problem I became aware of much too late). That was until everything hit the fan for me and Sam this time.


	9. Chapter 8

Now, here I am two months from the day Sam and That Thing (who will be referred to as such from now on) began dating and seven months since the day Sam and I broke up. I can't even believe I've lasted that long, which means you must be pulling your hair out, but I love him so much. I don't think I have ever loved anybody the way I love Sam. I gave Sam everything. There was nothing that I kept from him. Sure, there was the thing I had with Puck (which at this point I feel I must elaborate upon). There was love there but for some reason what Sam and I had felt different. Thinking about it now, maybe it was some borderline Twilight obsession crap.

Despite what everyone else may think, Puck and I dated for longer than a week and were quite fond of each other initially. I would even venture to say that we loved each other, like a real grownup, sincere love.

It started out as curiosity on both our parts. He was the bad boy who couldn't do right, and I was the bristly diva. Puck came to me out of the blue one day and plainly said that he didn't know what it was about me that got him all bent out of shape, but he was going to figure it out and I was going to let him. I could say that he had me at hello, but it was just his entitled, self-confident, but charming attitude that won me over. From that point, it was he and I. We dated for a while, and things were really good between us. Because we took the time to become friends before labeling ourselves or doing anything physical (by the way I never did anything with Puck), things were nothing but perfect; except for the fact that, although, our friendship was public our relationship was not. Only when it became public did things start to take a turn for the worse, Puck's ego getting the best of him, thus why our relationship was labeled as pretend. I guess that's why we mutually thought it beneficial to part ways and had no problem being really close friends. Why wouldn't we? We were friends first. He cared for me, was aware of his faults, and didn't want things to end badly between us. Thinking back on that now, our relationship was kept quiet for a long time before he decided that we should tell everyone.

Well look at that, I have quite the self-deprecating problem: first with Puck who, the lovely man that he is, did not take advantage of me but more for granted (he didn't cheat on me), and now with Sam, who probably doesn't have the slightest idea that he has been taking advantage of me from the beginning.

But I don't hold that as an excuse, his ignorance, I have allowed it to be his bliss for far too long, and I refuse to continue paying him an allowance that is leaving me in the red. I'm the only one that continues to get messed over. Yeah, I hurt him with my words, but it doesn't mean I need to feel guilty forever and take him hurting me over and over. Things need to change. Why, might you ask, has my tune changed from Dangerously in Love to Irreplaceable, well Sam went and pushed the envelope, crossed the line, and dove into the deep. He took what I had given him and more than threw it back into my face. Everything was going well (that's what my head told me); I didn't have anything to worry about. Sam and I were spending a little more time together, even talking more. I was under the impression that maybe we were back to being in a real relationship. I had completely accepted my place and wasn't at all worried about his little thing with That Thing. Boy was that the stupidest stance to take. My love for Sam exploded in my face one evening after Glee rehearsal.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in this chapter is Keyshia Cole "Sent from Heaven" and I reccommend that you read the lyrics to the song. It kind of gives more insight into Mercedes' situation and her feelings.

Practice went as it usually did, Rachel and Finn serenading each other while we watched in wonderment at how awful the two sounded together. Not Rachel exactly, but that Finn needs a few lessons from a professional. Follow that by Mr. Schu gushing over their _superior_ talent, and his usual lack of acknowledgement of anyone not _the boy wonder_ or the _Streisand-wannabe._ Me, I was in my usual spot in the back watching the disaster of a glee club play out in front of me.

At some point, I mentally checked out and before I knew it, glee was over (thank God). I really was starting to wonder why I was even in glee in the first place. I mean, I rarely got to sing. If it wasn't for needing the extracurricular I would have definitely quit that waste of time. I mumbled to myself about the utter inequality in that sad excuse for a club as I walked out of the rehearsal room, not realizing I had forgotten my purse.

Turning around, I walked back into to the _supposedly_ empty classroom to find it not so empty.

That Thing was sitting in Sam's lap with her arm wrapped around his neck, her fingers ruffling the fringe of hair at the nape of his neck. I started. My feet flat out wouldn't move forward or backward for that matter. My brain was screaming at me to snatch that raggedy broad off of my man, but my heart was pumping _run, run, run,_ but I could do neither while I stood there watching my, I want to say boyfriend, but in that moment I knew he had never been my boyfriend. Never. I was stuck. Cemented to that spot by the invisible pressures of the decisions I had made. This was all my fault. I watched them kiss in a space where time didn't exist. There was no ending or beginning; there was just being.

In all actuality, it was less than a minute. Less than a minute before they heard my stupid whimper (ugh I hate that word, but that's what it was). Immediately at the sound, Sam pushed That Thing away from his lips. But it was too late. Too late for me to care.

I'm sure That Thing sitting in his lap could see the look of guilt (probably for getting caught) plastered on Sam's face because after a second she turned around to see who had interrupted her very distasteful, unattractive face sucking with _her_ boyfriend.

"Wheezy what you lookin' at?" That Thing tossed her little lollipop head back to cackle before she continued. "You pervin' on me and trouty mouth? Tryin' to get a look at something someone like you will never experience with a guy as sexy as Sam?" Little does she know. I cocked my head to the left to get a better look at Sam as she continued laughing. I needed to know what he was going to do about this. Now was his chance to stand up for me, for us, but he just sat there looking lost while she kept on running her mouth.

"Sam?" I assumed maybe I should say something to bring him out of his jaw-dropped expression. I got nothing. Should have known.

Getting out of Sam's lap, That Thing started walking toward me with a smug smirk smeared across her fake lips. Her lips were moving but I didn't hear a word coming from them because all I saw was red. I know she's insulting me and making fun of me because that's what she does. So as soon as she got within range, I punched her in her stupid stuffed, misshaped lips. She stumbled back a little and looked up at me completely confused. Before you start, I didn't hit her because she was kissing my boy- Sam, I hit her because she was talking too much smack and underestimating me. Just because I looked hurt and wanted to cry didn't mean she could have the freedom to make me feel insignificant and ugly. I'm not either.

"What was that for fat bi-" before she could finish her sentence I raised my fist letting her know I was not above beating her down. I may have plump, soft, baby-like hands but I pack a mean punch. I'm a daddy's girl, and he taught me well. "What's your problem? I think you busted my lip or chipped a tooth. If you were worth it I would kick your lard-"

"I'm not so just leave already." I said calmly not sparing her a glance; my gazed fixed on the mute still sitting in the chair. She walked out knowing this wasn't a fight she wanted to engage in, bumping my shoulder as she passed.

I stood glaring (well trying to glare, the tears were making it hard for me to actually see) at Sam, mentally compelling him to say something. Anything would do at this point because the silence was condemning. Not that it really mattered now; the way he let That Thing carry on told me everything I wanted, no needed, or should I say _should have_ known.

It was a sad realization that he doesn't care for me the way I care for him. Sure, it may sound mostly like I am more attracted to the physical aspect of Sam most of the time, but honestly, that is just a perk. Sam is easy to love. That's why I do so much. But that doesn't dismiss the fact that he is flawed (as we all are), and the way he has handled me is just proof of that.

His eyes glaze over in (only what I can guess) shock. Taking a stand from his seat, Sam froze when he looked into my eyes. If looks could translate into life, Sam would have been laying on the floor his entrails surrounding him, and those lovely lips he's so inclined to use so often would have been stuffed so far up his butt he'd be kissing his stomach. I wanted him dead. More than that. _I_ wanted to be dead. I had all but given him permission to do the very thing I didn't think he would do, but give someone an inch and they'll try to take a mile. Honestly, I think he bypassed that mile months ago, and I have no one to blame but myself. As much as I want to blame Sam or Santana, I can't (and along with that goes the lovely nickname I gave her, though, I do still hate her). At least not exclusively. I let this charade continue for far too long because he 'thought I was pretty'. Look where that got me. Standing in the middle of the rehearsal room watching my world implode in my face.

We stood face to face for 5 minutes (literally). Him (I'm assuming) not wanting to make any sudden movements afraid of what I might do. Was he scared that I might hurt him? I don't think so, as I mentioned earlier he's stronger than me and a guy, so, that's more than likely not the case. I think maybe he was afraid that things had gone beyond his control, and he was in too deep. But your guess is as good as mine. I have a hard time figuring out what is actually going on in his head. Sam has a knack for being elusive.

Once broken out of his trance, he attempted to take a step towards me. Still silent his eyes saying the words his lips couldn't form. As if we were connected to the same tight wire, my foot mirrored his forward step with a backward one of equal magnitude. Pain flashed across his face, but that didn't stop him from trying again. And just as before we did this weird two-step. At some point he caught on, I saw it in his eyes, but before he could act, I began to back up quickly shaking my head at him signaling him not to follow me. Praying that he would just let me be. I made it to the door, and at the moment I stepped past the threshold, I spun around and sprinted down the hall not caring that I had left my purse back there with Sam.

I didn't hear him behind me, but that didn't stop me from bursting through the double doors leading to the parking lot. I dug into my pocket pulling my keys out. My vision blinded by tears; I had to wrestle with my keys to open the door. When I finally opened the door, I threw myself at the driver seat desperate to get as far away from Sam as quickly as possible, but as soon as I cranked the car, I heared the worst possible song that could be on the radio at the moment.

_Now you can wait your whole life tryna change_  
_What they feel from what it's been_  
_You may have put your whole life into a man_  
_Love ain't what you thought it could've been._  
_Oh that's when you change_  
_And you don't feel as good as you used to before_  
_And everything you used to say,_  
_Everything you used to do went right out the door_

_Oooh no more, will you be the one_  
_That's what you tell everyone around you_  
_But you know they've heard it all before_  
_What more can you say_  
_When love won't let you, walk away_  
_And it can't help who it loves_  
_And you find yourself giving it all away_  
_When you think you're in love_

_I wanna be the one who you believe_  
_In your heart is sent from (sent from heaven)_  
_There's a piece of me who leaves when you gone_  
_Because you're sent from (sent from heaven)_  
_I wanna be the one who you believe_  
_In your heart is sent from (sent from heaven)_  
_There's a piece of me who leaves when you gone_  
_Because you're sent from (sent from heaven)_

I broke down. Sobs racking my body. I felt like my insides were shriveling up against their will. My heart, well, it might as well have been outside of my body under my car tire. It was suffering. Not quite dead just teetering on the brink of a very excruciating demise. I didn't check the time but I can gather that I sat in that parking lot crying my soul out for an hour before I had the wherewithal to stop the convulsive bawling. At which point, I put my car in gear and began driving indiscriminately with puffy eyes clouded with woeful tears.


	11. Chapter 10

Just as I felt I had won the world in a raffle the day he pulled me into that dingy janitor's closet, I felt, if at all possible, infinitely worse watching this world I held so dear to my heart crumble into minuscule pieces and blown into the wind. That was a little while ago now, and yet it still stings remembering how stupid I was to believe something as arduous as mine and Sam's  _relationship_ to actually hold up against…anything really.

In all truthfulness, I had been denying myself the verity of the facts that were dancing around in my face. Walking in on Santana wrangling Sam with her balloon lips may have been the single most defining moment in my adolescent life. I know I'm just a teenager and I'm supposed to mess up, but to lose myself in someone (I say with utter disgust) is just pathetic. I haven't read anywhere where being a teenager means I have to have so little self-esteem that I don't matter. As a matter of fact, it's the exact opposite of that. Everywhere I look the message that is preached to young people is to love yourself, value yourself, and here I was doing just the reverse.

It wasn't until I was vested, did I begin to realize that something wasn't right. That instead of being filled with the elated joy of being in love; I was feeling empty and constantly battling to maintain the little bit of contentment I had. Sadly, it was my entire fault. The pain and betrayal that I was experiencing, I take full responsibility for. I can't blame Sam for my lack of happiness. He's a teenager like me, putting my well-being in his hands was idiotic and lazy. I thought that by holding on that things would get better; eventually he would do right by me without me insisting it.

I took him back and freely signed over my dignity with each kiss, each touch, each secret glance. Based solely on wishing. It was definitely all my doing. What's worse was that I was well aware of my actions during the process, yet, that didn't lessen the agony of finding him voluntarily being devoured by Santana's nasty, scaly, faux lips. In a way, it hurt worse because my hopes that maybe this thing between me and Sam wouldn't explode in my face were dashed. That's what I get for hoping love conquers all. He told me he loved me, and I questioned it, but how could I ignore the yearning in my heart to have it be true. I fed myself false hopes to shelter my fragile heart from the reality that I was living.

Clearly, I needed some new perspective. More than that I needed a friend, but as soon as I accepted this nefarious affair with Sam I pushed out the friends I'd had. I was barely talking to Kurt (which I still haven't rectified), not that I wanted him to be privy to this sad imitation of a woman I have become. I don't think I could stomach the disappointment and judgment that I'm positive he would be dishing out by the boat loads. I love the guy, I do (so much it's unbelievable), but he has this thing where he gets all sanctimonious and that's not at all what I'm needing in my life right now. If the subject wasn't so sensitive, like, if I wasn't already ashamed of my actions, he would be the perfect person to go to. But it's not the case, though I wish it were. I miss how close we used to be. Now, our interaction is relegated to vague greetings as we pass each other in the hallway and absentminded farewells at the end of the school day.

I hate myself for isolating myself from the few who cared for me to make time for secret trysts with Sam, at his beck and call whenever it was convenient for him. I needed someone who would offer unsolicited advice without judgment. I needed someone who would be willing to understand what I was going through. Cognitively, I couldn't name a single person like that; however, my heart didn't have a problem finding that person when I need them most.


	12. Chapter 11

The very same day my nightmares became my reality I found myself parked in front of Puck's home. It wasn't a conscious decision on my part. I just started driving and ended up there. I needed someone to talk to, but not just anyone. I needed someone who would be brutally honest with me, who would listen without passing judgment, and wouldn't tell anyone else. This was my life, and if anything were to get out I wanted it to be because of me, not some loose lipped friend who told their boyfriend who told their best friend, and so on.

I waited outside in my car for a really long time trying to reign in my emotions. I didn't want Puck to see me utterly destroyed. I still had a morsel of pride left (a very minute amount but some nonetheless). I couldn't just show up at his door a blubbering mess, which would only make me feel all the more foolish when he told me how stupid I had been. Because I knew, no matter how hard I had fought the notion from the beginning of the pseudo-relationship, that I was stupid. And had behaved as such. It took me forever to get myself under control, and once I did, it took forever for me to make my way to the door. I walked slowly up the driveway hoping his mother wasn't at home. Normally she wasn't home until later, but knowing my luck she'd be the one opening the door. I love Puck's mom, I do, but the lady has boundary issues. She's all hugs and kisses and touchy feely; I can't deal with that on a regular day let alone during a life crisis. I didn't want her sympathy, just some good old fashion tough love. I needed someone to kick me in the face so I would remember the pain of being kicked in the heart so that I wouldn't think of going back to Sam, at least not until there were some major changes.

Finally, after an impossibly tortuous walk along the 50 yard driveway and an agonizing trek up the stairs, across the porch, and to the door, I just stood there. I didn't knock or ring the doorbell. I just stood there too afraid to do either. Too embarrassed to face the very person subconsciously I knew I needed.

Fortunately for me (God must have been handing out favors that day), I didn't have to do anything. With my hand lifted in perpetuity (because I doubt I was actually going to knock), the door opened, and Puck looked back at me as if he was looking at a four eyed dwarf with hands that touched the ground and patchy hair.

"Uh, hi, Mercedes." If this was any other day, I would have burst out in laughter at the cute addled look on his face, but not then I couldn't help but feel guilty.

"Hi." I said softly. I don't think I could have spoken over a loud whisper if I wanted to. After a couple of hours of gut wrenching sobbing, I was surprised I even had a voice or the energy to use it.

"What's up?" He raised his left eyebrow waiting for my answer, but I had nothing to say. Well, I had plenty to say, but my only response was a sharp intake of breath and a butt load of tears.

"Merce, hey, come in."

I was ushered into Puck's home like some kind of sick invalid to his den where we both sat on the love seat where I embarrassingly continued to bawl my eyes out.

This must have freaked him out. "Are you okay?" Stupid me, I couldn't talk so I shook my head, and that only made things worse.

"Did something happen? Nobody hurt you did they?"

Nope nobody physically hurt me, but the way I was behaving, I'm sure Puck thought I had been sexually assaulted or something, also, his continued direction of questioning left no room for confusion. He thought I had been raped or something equally disturbing. Eventually, he realized that I wasn't going to answer and that I had to just cry it out, so, he went to get me something to drink giving me time to myself.

"Merce, you need to calm down. I don't know what happened and you can't talk to me if you're crying like a baby." Oh the irony (because this is exactly what I didn't want to happen). "Here drink some of this and try to get yourself under control."

I drink the water. Not that it was doing me any good; I mean really, it's just water. But I do it because it occupies the time it takes for me to stop all the bellyaching.

"You ready to go now?" The wary look Puck was giving me made me want to crawl into my skin. I guess I tired him out with all the punk theatrics.

"Yeah, I am."

"O-kay?"

I was never one to beat around the bush, but now would seem appropriate. "I know we haven't talked much or at all-"

"Since you got with Sam," Puck deadpanned.

My head snapped in his direction. How did he know about me and Sam? Shoot half the time I didn't even know what Sam and I were or if we were together.

"How did you-"

"It wasn't hard if you know the signs. The janitor's closet Merce?"

"Uh, I-"

"We dated for like a long time without anyone knowing, but we never-the janitor's closet?" He was disappointed. I know now, but at the time I thought he was disgusted and thought I was a slut. I felt like one so he must have thought I was one.

"We-I-it was the only place we could meet. I guess? I don't know," and then I was crying again. That time instead of Puck being frantic and at a loss, he wrapped me in a hug and just let me cry on his shoulder. Neither of us said anything (not like I could talk in my state anyway). Nothing at all. He just let me cry. And I swear I felt even worse because this was the first time I had actually spoken with him in a long while and here I was dumping all of this stuff on him. Puck was being the friend I wasn't and the friend I didn't deserve.

"Hey, Merce, I'm sorry, okay? You want to talk about it?"

"Yeah, I- it's why I came, I guess." I knew that statement didn't quite register with Puck because I got that cute bewildered expression from him again. "Oh, well, I didn't know, _know_ I was coming here; just kind of ended up here. Like I was driving and this is where my car or whatever led me."

"Really, you weren't just missing me?" he said smirking, trying to lighten the mood. Not that that would work right now, maybe later, but not now.

"No, I did-do miss you, all of my friends actually, but no, it was like kismet." I sniffled forcing the tears back. I had cried enough for now.

"Kismet, huh?"

"That's what I'm going with."

"So, you're here and not crying now… so shoot. What's got you so messed up?"

"Sam-you obviously know about 'us' so I don't need to start at the beginning. How long _have_ you known?"

"I guess before he got with Quinn."

"Yeah, that sounds about right-"

"But you weren't with him when he was with Quinn though, right?"

"Yeah, we had broken up before her, but got back together like a week before him and her; so yeah, we were together."

"Mercedes! Why would you stay with him while he was with another girl?" After screaming my head off, he simmered. "That must've sucked." The latter mentioned as an afterthought.

"It wasn't so bad he was only with Quinn for show."

"Yeah, right. That's probably a lie."

"No, Sam didn't lie to me."

"If everything is so good then why are you here with me having acting like a punk?"

"Santana."

"Santana? Oh yeah, he's with her now." Understanding brightened his eyes. "You caught those two doing something, didn't you?" I could see it. He wanted to laugh in my face, maybe not a lot, but he definitely wanted to laugh a little. It's who he is. Puck laughs in your face. But I guess he liked me enough to keep it to himself, though, I could hear the smugness in his voice.

"Yeah." The secret mirth glistening in his eyes disappeared immediately after hearing the dejection embracing me.

"God Merce, how could you let this crap happen? I mean, yeah, I kind of messed things up between us, but this douche has dated and done who knows what else with two girls publicly and you just…what? Sat there and watched it happen?"

"It's not what you think, I love him. He loves-well I thought he did, otherwise I wouldn't-" I abruptly snapped my mouth shut (obviously not soon enough).

"You wouldn't have what?" He could always put two and two together. "Mercedes don't tell me you slept with the douche." I stiffened at his accusation. I knew it was coming; I had set the stage for it. But I don't think I was prepared for the impact because I nearly lost it all over again. Tears filled my eyes but I couldn't let them fall. I held them back. It took everything in me to do it, but I didn't cry.

"I-we love-loved each other. I love him."

"Ahhh come on, Merce, from what you say he's been cheating on you the whole time and you still lost your virginity to the prick. We were together longer and I never cheated on you, but we didn't do it. Why him? Not that I'm mad that it wasn't me, I mean, I wouldn't be mad if it was me, but that's not the point. Why would you do it with someone who doesn't treat you right?"

"He told me he loved me, Puck?"

"So. I told you I loved you but you didn't drop trou for me."

He was angry (I guess understandably so), but this had nothing to do with me and him. He and Sam were different in my eyes. Sam was this sweet southern gentleman, while Puck was this gritty bad boy. It wasn't an option for me to sleep with Puck because I was too afraid that once I did he would be gone. "This doesn't have anything to do with us. He loves…I guess he…I thought he loved me plain and simple."

"I'm not trying to make this about us. It's just-I'm sorry about that. Dang, I'm just sorry in general. It's gotta eat butt, huh?"

"Like nothing else."

"So, look you came to talk, but I've been hogging the conversation and sticking my foot in my mouth enough; so tell me what really happened with you guys because I'm really lost. I must be missing something."

"Okay. Everything kind of just spiraled, I guess. At first it was only me, but no one could know because he was new and the quarterback. You know how it is. You didn't even want anybody to know about us at first. And once we did tell people and things got hard for you, you changed. I'm at the bottom of the rung and I get that."

"So you just decided to go through that again."

"Puck, it's not like guys were lining up to get with me, and Sam is like one of the hottest guys in our school. I was lonely. What can I say? I didn't want to sit around and watch everybody pair off."

"You do know that that's exactly what happened, right?"

"What? Not really, he was with me. He didn't do anything with Quinn."

"I guess that's why she cheated on him with Finn, but you were just sitting around watching. He sang to Quinn in glee. Not you."

"He had to-"

"Whatever. Why did he get with Quinn in the first place and why did you let him?"

Why did I let him? That would have been nice to know. Even now I'm not terribly sure. Low self-esteem? Love (though a very warped sense)? Desperation? I don't know it was possibly a combination of things.

"I didn't know about it at first. I just assumed, and when I found out it didn't seem like that big of a deal. He told me what was up when I confronted him. He told me he loved me." I knew that I was evading the other question Puck posed, but honestly I didn't think he would notice, take him to become observant when you least need it.

"So why did you let him?"

"He said it was some kind of mutual benefit thing, nothing serious. Just a popularity thing. I was upset, but I guess, I understood. Now, I guess, I feel kind of different. But I love him so much. It was stupid, I know, but I didn't have a problem as long as we were still together."

"So together he hooked up with Santana right after Quinn. When did you get like this?" That threw me for a loop. Self-righteous much. How could he ask me that? Did he forget he was the first to induct me into the my-first-secret-lover society (though there was no _loving_ )?

"Really, Puck, when did I get like this? Don't forget what we had. It may not have been the exact same but it wasn't that different. You don't have a right to judge me. As for him hooking up with that whore, he told me the same thing he told me about Quinn. They weren't doing anything. I believed him. I didn't have a reason not to until now. Now I don't know what I believe." I ended feebly. By the time I had finished I had ran out of steam, and Puck was silent. I don't know why, but he looked pensive and to be honest it scared me a little. Puck thinking (only bad things could come from that, right?). When he finally opened his mouth I wasn't expecting the words that came from it.

"I know I've said this before, you know when we broke up, but I'm sorry, Merce, really sorry. I don't think I realized how crappy what I did to you was until now."

This was possibly the most sincere I had ever seen Puck (like really, you know Puck). My resolve broke and the tears I had been vehemently fighting to keep at bay trickled out. I wasn't weeping or anything like that I was just crying. What Puck said really got to me. I was thankful that he felt remorse for the situation we were in. God, I'm as sorry as he is that I allowed myself to be treated so poorly, but more than that I was faced with the severity of my actions. My insecurities were being paraded in front of me. The pity Puck was giving off made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to run away, and hide never to be found again.

"Uh, t-thanks?" I said through my sniveling.

"So, do you want to tell me what happened with him and Santana?"

I wiped the tears staining my face and cleared my throat. "Yeah, I-I don't know what they've been doing until today, just what…Sam t-told me, but after glee I saw them…kissing-" I choked as my breath caught. My tears started in earnest. "He said they weren't doing anything, but when I saw them kiss-kissing he wasn't fighting her off, and when she started in on me he didn't say one word. He barely even looked my way."

"Santana started with you?"

"Yeah some name calling and threats."

"She's such a skank." I smiled and tried to stop crying, which became easier as I thought of Santana's face after I had slugged her.

"Yeah, but I shut her up."

"Please tell me you blacked her eye."

"Nope, but I did pop her in the mouth, and split her lip. She said I might have chipped a tooth, but I doubt it."

"Good for you. So Sam must need a doctor, huh?"

I winced at the name. "No, I-"

"Okay, so you hit the girl, but not the guy. Typical."

"It's not- I hit that thing because she came at me all wrong. I couldn't care any less about her or what she did or didn't do with Sam, but that was the wrong time for her to do her big bad Latina bit. I didn't have time for her nonsense; I needed to deal with Sam. She chose to make it about her, so, I handled _her._ "

"I guess I can get that, but what about the douche?"

"Puck, I was so mad at him for so many things: letting Santana talk to me the way she did, for kissing her, for lying to me, the fact that when all this blew up he didn't have anything to say, and so much more. But as much as I wanted to murder him the hate I felt was overshadowed by the hurt and I couldn't stand to be around him any longer. So I high tailed it out of there. The only thing I did to Sam was let him see how much he hurt me."

Puck looked at me apologetically and I just knew he could see the despondency radiating from me. Before he could open his mouth, I stopped him. I didn't want to hear any of his pleas for penance again. He wasn't the person I wanted to hear beg for repentance. "Stop it. You didn't do anything, and the pity only makes me feel worse. Ugh, stupid two times. Why do I always lay down and let guys walk all over me." No pun was intended, I couldn't help noticing the validity of both meanings. Puck cringed, however, possibly thinking about me sexing it up with Sam, for whatever reason (why he would care is beyond me).

"I know. Say it's not pity but sympathy. Would that make it better?"

"I guess." I offered him a weary smile. Who would have thought I would be talking to my ex-boyfriend about my current soon to be ex. My life had gone so far from right that it might be running back into it again. At least my eyes were opened to the sham that was me and Sam. And maybe, I had gotten my friend back.

That was some day, from cheating boyfriends to punching a ho to having a heart to heart with Puck. Exhausting. I needed to get out of there; the horse had been beaten beyond death. "It's getting late and your mom will be home soon; I should get going. Thanks…for everything."

"What? Oh, yeah, she should be home soon or not. She's been getting a lot of overtime lately. You don't have to go."

"Yeah, but-"

"Just stay, Merce, we haven't talked since you started that crap with the douche. So stay."

It's not like I wanted to go home anyway. My dad would be there, and considering my eyes had been fountains, they were puffy and red. Dad would have known something was up, and I didn't like lying to my Dad. Avoid him and every issue involving my personal life, I would do that. If he asked directly, I would tell him what happened whether I wanted to or not. It was best that I stayed and let the swollen eyes return to normal. And talking to Puck wasn't that bad. "Okay."

"You hungry? Want something to eat?"

"Yeah, I can eat."

Puck fixed us some sandwiches and got us something to drink. We settled in the kitchen at the table. The awkward tension was horrible. It had my skin crawling. I think it wanted to up and leave me skinless to bear this torment. I didn't know what was going on because no one was speaking (creepy disturbing silence, the worst kind). I kept trying to think of things to say but kept coming up empty. I didn't know what to talk about. I had spent so much time obsessing over Sam that I had lost my friend and how to interact with him.

After what seemed like a lifetime of uncomfortable silence, I decided to get out of there. I finished the food Puck had given me and put the plate in the sink, but just as I was about to make my way out of the kitchen to get my keys Puck decided to say something.

"It's been a while, huh? I guess when I asked you t say I thought we would just fall into how we were before…you know. I want that."

"It's all my fault."

"What?"

"It used to be all me, our conversations, but it's all wrong. I don't know how to talk to you now, and all this stuff with Sam is still raping my mind."

"Yeah but you can try. If you want to talk about all of that stuff, I'm here."

"I-you've-" I couldn't talk to him about the stuff that was blasting in my head on a loud speaker. I couldn't tell him how much my heart ached because nothing that Sam had done had tempered the love that was still coursing through my veins. That I wanted to run to him and bury myself in him and never let him go. I couldn't have him know how weak and pitiful I was. I couldn't face the looks of disgust that surely would follow. I know I was a desperate fool, but I couldn't bear Puck seeing it with his eyes and hearing it with his ears. It was more than enough just for me to know it. I couldn't.

"Look, I ain't saying you got to. Just that you can…no pressure."

This was not the Puck I remembered from anytime. During our relationship or even as a friend. There was a maturity present that either he had hidden or recently acquired. I would be able to talk to him. I knew that now despite the doubts that I may have had earlier. "Okay."

"So, besides douche stuff what have you been up to?"

How was I supposed to answer that? _Oh, just waiting around to spend time with 'the douche'._ Can't say that. "Uh, nothing much. Glee. School."

He stared at me and I just knew he didn't want to talk about the mundane details of my days outside of Sam. "I know you want to say something so just say it."

"Okay, uh, what are you gonna do about Sam?" There it was. The 64,000 dollar question.

"I…I-I don't know." Maybe I just didn't want to talk about that with Puck. That's possible, but both he and I knew better. It was the God's honest truth. I had no idea what I wanted to do about Sam.

"Please don't tell me you're thinking about getting back with that prick."

"I'm not saying anything. Technically we're still _together_. I'm simply saying I don't know what I'm going to do about Sam."

"Why wouldn't you know? He treated you like a whore."

"Puck! How could- I'm not a whore."

"I didn't say you were, but he sure used you like one." The ire was burning through his words and blazing in his eyes. Puck was angry with me, possibly Sam, but I knew for sure he was pretty upset with me. I felt the tears filling my view, but I didn't want to cry. Not in front of Puck _again_. He already saw me as weak and there was a likely chance that he thought I was a whore. I wouldn't cry again (at Puck's). When I got home I would die crying, but not in front of Puck again.

"Uh, Puck…I-I'm going to go. For real this time." A sniffle escaped my grasp, but I continued tearless. "Thanks for…talking." I got up to walk to the door and he followed me. I thought he would stop at the porch, but he trailed me to my car. Before I got in, he finally spoke. I knew he had something else to say (he always has something to say).

"I'm sorry about saying what I did back there. It was stupid."

"It's okay." I did not want to get into any of that crap. I was over it.

"No, it's not. It's just, I guess I'm mad at myself because I'm not much different from Sam, and it's just easier to lash out at you. I'm sorry. I know you're not a…you know." I can only assume (been doing a lot of that lately) that he didn't want to say the word for fear of hurting me further. But who knows really. I don't.

"Really, Puck, it's okay, and you're not like Sam."

"Yes I am and you know it. I can't be mad that you may not leave Sam. You didn't leave me when you should've. I was wrong and you just took it. I'm sorry."

"I said it's okay. I gotta go it's getting late and my dad'll flip if I'm not home by like 9." Would he? Maybe not, but I had to get out of there.

"Yeah…uh, Merce?"

"Yeah?"

"I know I hurt you saying what I did, but I don't want us not to be friends. Is it okay if I call you sometime and we hang out like we used to?"

"Yeah, it's okay." I was fighting back tears so it came out kind of lame, and Puck took me wrong. Stupid boy, I've missed him probably more than I've missed anyone else. "I mean I would like that."

And just like that. I had an old friend back who would pull no punches. Did I always like that no holds barred approach? No. Sometimes it hurt. A lot. But sometimes it caused deep reflection of which I needed way too much of. Puck could be that. And I wanted that. Because clearly I have a problem with thinking lucidly when attractive guys are involved. And as you can see, I had a lot of pondering to do. Something had to be done about Sam.


	13. Chapter 12

I doubt Sam wanted to end the perfect _relationship_ I had fabricated with him. I didn't even want to in the beginning. After talking with Puck, I was still on the fence, and it only confused me more when I returned home to find my purse home and my dad saying that Sam had dropped it off for me. It was a kind gesture I wasn't familiar with and clouded the hate I had stirring inside me from observing his infidelity. That is why today after a few weeks since catching Sam I haven't officially broken up with him. Am I ready to give up the warped version of love I shared with Sam? I don't know. For the past few weeks I have been avoiding him. You might think I'm exaggerating, but I kid you not, I have. It isn't easy, but I'm doing it. I stopped taking his calls, and when he texts I keep it brief. Succinct is the key. Not to mention I lie about everything. I'm sick, menstrual, grounded. You name it I say it to keep from talking to or seeing Sam.

I was weak. I can see that now. I knew it then, yet, I didn't want to see it. And I didn't see it until Puck shoved it into my face. Even after the wake up call, I couldn't bring myself to break it off with Sam officially. Often times, I find myself completely oblivious to my issues with Sam (that may have something to do with the delay of decision).

Puck and I, however, are great. We picked up right where we left off only this time he's becoming more, this time around he is becoming my best friend (only because Kurt is my soul mate), we were really close before but this time things seem different. We are hanging out regularly, and talking about everything. When we are together, I don't think of Sam, how much I love him. Because I do. Love him. I'm finding it hard to dismiss all the feelings I harbor for him. However, the love I have for him is different than before. It's not this all encompassing obsession. It's more realistic. Pure, if you will.

Love is unconditional (real love), but that doesn't mean that it's blind. Love can see a person's flaws and still find a way to love in spite of them. There is also honesty in love. Something that neither Sam nor I partook in. I wasn't honest with myself or him, and he just wasn't honest. Love can also be tough, gentle, and when necessary selfish. Even a mixture of all three when needed. I suppose it will take me a while to embrace selfish, tough love. For my own good, for him. But thankfully, I don't have to dwell on this too much.

Puck has been there for me since the day I literally just showed up on his doorstep. Sure, he's gotten pretty irate about my avoidance of all things Sam, but he's also been patient. I guess he understands me or he feels he has no right, but I can tell his patience is wearing thin. How could he demand me break it off with Sam so easily when it took _him_ to make the decision for the both of us when we called it quits? I agreed with him, but that didn't mean I wanted it to end. I know I needed it to end, just like I need to end things with Sam, but my heart is still holding on. With Sam a little less each day. Either way I am very grateful for his support. He's been there to listen to me gripe and groan, and even cry (yeah, I know, more crying). So one day soon, I'm sure, I'll make him happy and kick Sam to the curb.

One matter, however, he refused his patience was in the matter of my reconciliation with my former friends, though there weren't many (okay one). He was adamant that I clear the air with Kurt, not that there was a big blowout where we got into a catfight or anything like that. I just pushed him away and we drifted apart, but Puck thought it was time that I fixed it. He didn't understand why I found it so easy to dismiss my friends when I was beating around the bush with Sam. What can I say? I can be pretty cowardly most of the time. And that's why I wasn't talking to Kurt after everything fell apart with Sam, and reconciling with Puck. I was too afraid to face him. Too afraid that after abandoning him he wouldn't want anything to do with me, and I would deserve nothing less than his rejection. I had virtually cut him out of my life without a third thought (I gave it a second I just needed the extra thought). After being harassed and beaten over the head by Puck, I gave in. I was finally prepared to tuck my tail between my legs and get on with the groveling. I just hoped that when I spoke with him he would be as forgiving as I was apologetic. I love Kurt and Kurt loved me; he's like my brother or should I say sister (somehow that feels right).

Though I had promised Puck that I was going to finally talk to Kurt, I didn't really get the chance right away because he appeared to be super busy. Honestly, that's what it looked like to me. But fate must have known how much of a punk I can be because one Saturday morning maybe a couple of weeks after mending things with Puck, Kurt just showed up at my bedroom door.


	14. Chapter 13

I was in my bed asleep when I heard a knock on my bedroom door.

"Go away, Dad, it's the weekend." I didn't understand why my father would be bothering me on the weekend.

"It's not your dad, Cedes, it's me Kurt."

"Kurt?"

"Yeah, sleeping beauty, so wake up and let me in. What are you doing with a lock on this door? Does your dad know?"

"Of course he knows he put it on for me." I unlocked the door to let Kurt in but as soon as he heard the lock click he barged in breaking out in a full on Kurt Hummel signature frantic rant.

"Cedes, how could you? You finally get over him and then you fall right back into his slimy chiseled arms. Why, I don't know, because he almost destroyed you and all the fabulousness that is you. But you are back with him. I know we have been distant lately, I'm still trying to figure why that is, but I will not sit idly by and watch you do this to yourself again. If I have to, I'll beat Puck up myself. Though, I may need to pay Santana to actually do it for me." Kurt stood glaring at me with the love and compassion I had long missed. I visibly flinched hearing mention of that slut's name, but I ignored the desire to call her a few choice words realizing that Kurt had everything all wrong.

"Puck?"

"Yes, Mercedes don't play stupid. It doesn't match the purple satin pajamas you are wearing so well. I've seen you two around and it doesn't look like you guys are doing homework."

"We're not-he's my-"

"If you say boyfriend I might just punch you." My favorite person in the world shrieked into my face. He is such a pansy (a very bold pansy).

I looked at him as laughter threatened to escape me at the irate site before me. "Boyfriend, no, Puck is not my boyfriend, Kurt." The sigh of relief breathed from Kurt's mouth relaxed his body and he plopped down on my bed lying on his back. "Oh thank goodness- you know what we went through to get over that."

"Yeah, it was bad, but Puck and I remained friends remember."

"Friends, yes, but not this chummy love fest travesty you guys have been parading around for all to see lately."

"What-not a love fest, babes, we're just-he's like a really good friend now. We finally talked about our relationship and we're cool now. Better than cool. He apologized and everything."

"So you two aren't together?"

"No."

"Oh…okay. I guess I'll be…going then." It killed me to hear the sadness in my bestie's voice.

Solemnly he rose from the bed and began to walk to the door. Lost in the moment, I almost let him leave. I shook myself before I let the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally, besides my father, walk out of my life for what could have been forever.

"Kurt wait!" He stopped in his tracks, but he didn't turn around. I had hurt him. I don't think I really knew that until that very moment. I didn't know what he had been going through or facing. I had been a lousy friend. "Don't go. I know we haven't-I haven't been around. I have been…"

"Avoiding me." He spoke, but still didn't turn around.

He was right. I had been avoiding him. Subconsciously at least. "Yeah." I croaked out nearly tearing up. "I have. But it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me."

"Really, Mercedes, because it sure didn't feel like it. Did I do something? What happened?"

I had planned on begging him to be my friend again. I was willing to do anything and everything to get him back into my life. I didn't care if he could be a self-righteous know it all (birds of a feather) I just knew I had to have him back. What I didn't expect was to have to – want to explain everything to him. I owed him as much. He'd been there for me during the Puck debacle, and I had been there for him during the Karofsky terror. Even though I was scared out of my mind of exposing this side of myself to Kurt, I did it anyway. I couldn't hide from the person who I consider my soul mate.

"It wasn't you. You didn't do anything. It was me. I sort of got involved with this guy and…"

"Mercedes did he hurt you. Did he…" Kurt trailed off unable to say what he was thinking. What is it with the men in my life thinking I'm rape bait?

"No nothing like that. I guess I have to start from the beginning because unlike Puck you have **NO** idea what was-is going on."

He strolled back over to the bed grabbing my hand on the way sitting us down side by side. I so hated having to retell the Mercedes and Sam saga. I hated it with all my guts because I could never refrain from crying during the process. Thinking about it now I feel the familiar sting behind my eyes. I really love Sam and I'm so fearful I may not be able to stop.

"Sam and I-"

"What? Who? When? How did I not – wait I'm really missing something."

"If you'd let me finish, you might get the answers to those questions. As I was saying, Sam and I started dating like several months ago or so. I guess I can't really call it dating. He wanted it to be a secret; I went along with it. In the beginning, I thought it was the best thing to have happened to me, we were in love, and you've seen Sam. Eventually, not so far down the line, I-we made love. And soon that was all we were doing. He broke up with me before he got with Quinn, but that didn't last long. We got back together, but we kind of stopped talking like before and then there was Quinn and Santana. He told me the relationships with both were just for show, while I continued to lurk in the shadows. That boy had me wrapped around those big lips so tight I couldn't see straight when it came to him. Things were changing, I could tell, but I didn't want to say anything about it for fear of losing him. In the end, I caught him making out with Santana after rehearsal and I haven't spoken to him since."

"Mercedes." His breath hit my face when he said my name and I could literally feel the pity. "Why didn't you come to me? I could have helped you leave him."

"I was ashamed Kurt. I didn't want to hear what you had to say about my choices. I can see it on your face now. You think I'm pitiful and I should have done something other than sit quietly while Sam pooped on my lap."

"Uh…I…wouldn't do that."

"You wouldn't? Do you remember the tot's rebellion I started? You came to me afterward and the stuff you said to me was…it hurt me so much that that was what you thought of me, but I let it go because I love you so much. I know you didn't mean anything malicious by it. I couldn't tell you about what I had with Sam. I didn't want you to say anything that would possibly make me hate you. Hating you would only make me hate myself."

"I-I didn't know what I said affected you so much."

"It did, but like I said, it wasn't worth losing a friendship over. I know you said it out of love." I smiled to lighten the blow, "Self righteous love, but love."

"So, you stopped being my friend because you didn't want me to know about you and Sam?"

"Yes and no. The other reason was that I was so wrapped up in Sam. He became my life. I was always waiting on his call or for him to come over. He's the reason I got dad to put the lock on my door. He thinks it's because I'm growing up and want my privacy. I just didn't want to get caught. So the drift happened without me even knowing it. By the time I realized, I hadn't spoken to you in a while it was too late."

"I'm sorry."

"For what? You didn't do anything."

"Not really, but I did make you feel like you couldn't confide in me and what kind of friend makes their person feel that about them. You do know you are _my_ person, right? Blaine may be my boyfriend, but you're my soul mate."

"Yeah, I know and you're mine." Tears were streaming down my face at that point and Kurt's eyes were clouded with tears of his own. I looked into his eyes and we both suffocated each other in the tightest hug. We were back.

After a while of blubbering like some babies, he finally gathered himself enough to be the nosey busybody he can be. "But you said something about not having to start from the beginning with Puck?"

"After I was assaulted with the image of Slutana and Sam _trying_ to kiss, I drove to his house. I needed someone to talk to and my car just kind of had a mind of its own."

"Slutana, good one. You chose Puck over me?"

"I know right, there are plenty more where that one came from. But yeah, in a way, but it was more like I didn't have a choice. I know you probably hate me for it, but I needed him. He was the first boyfriend I have ever had and our relationship was almost identical to the one I had with Sam."

"You told me you didn't hook up with Puck."

"I didn't. I was still a virgin when he broke up with me."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Anyway we talked and he beat me over the head about letting Sam hurt me like that, but he didn't pity me. Ultimately, he just felt like a douche for doing the same thing to me. He apologized a crap ton and really helped me out a lot."

"So what, are you guys like best friends or something now?"

"Kind of but not really, you will always be my _best_ friend. But we are like best friends now, he can't take your place, but he's like my number two after you."

"He better be."

We both erupted into a bout of laughter. We were us again and I couldn't be happier. We were meant to be.

Kurt decided to stay over for a little longer, so I got dressed and met him down stairs to head out to the Lima Bean.

The drive to the Lima Bean was filled with chatter. Kurt and I had so much to catch up on. I told him more about what happened with Puck and me, and what we've been up to while he blabbed about the highs and lows of his relationship with Blaine. It seems he and Blaine nearly broke up because of some outsider named Sebastian, who Blaine was attracted to like the opposite ends of a magnet, but they're doing fine now. He also told me that in my absence he had to schmooze with Rachel. Then preceded to guilt me into paying for whatever he wanted at the Bean because I owed him for forcing him to suffer the self-serving, self-absorbed peach that is Rachel Berry. I willingly obliged. I did owe him big time. Once at the Bean we ordered our drinks and food: Kurt a huge double chocolate chip muffin, on my buck, me, I got my favorite white chocolate macadamia nut. Just as we were about to sit down, in walked Puck. I was a little surprised because the Puck I know never came into the Lima Bean; he finds it too pretentious. His words not mine. I know, right, him using that word.

"What are you doing here?" I waved Puck over to our table.

"Hey, Merce. Kurt? When did this happen?"

"Today." We both said simultaneously.

"You finally got the balls to apologize, huh?"

"Uh, it's a long story that incidentally started with Kurt thinking I was getting back with you." I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me. Kurt was so frantic and thinking back it was quite a sight. However, Puck didn't seem amused, he actually looked… hurt?

Kurt and I began to tell him the story in tandem. By the time we had finished my cookie was gone, Puck had eaten Kurt's muffin, and all eyes were on me.

"Did she tell you that she technically hasn't broken up with the douche bag?"

"Puck, you never answered my question, why are you here?"

"Mercedes you suck at deflecting, but I'm here because my mom wanted me to pick something up for her. Kurt, did she tell you she's been avoiding Sam?" Puck didn't let me slide out of the limelight. I made a point of avoiding that part of my relationship with Sam because everyone knows how Kurt would react. Which he did. React.

"What, Cedes, you didn't tell me you were _still_ with him. Dear God, you haven't been seeing him behind our backs have you?" He was at a full out screech and everyone in the Bean was staring at us. It was humiliating. And I'm not stupid. Why would I see Sam secretly(oh, track record, guess I forgot)?

"Hush, Kurt, God do you have to be so loud? And no I wasn't seeing him behind Puck's back seeing as you and I have only made up today. See. That's why I didn't tell you; you overreact and make me feel worse." The tears were brimming but I chose to swallow them – I did not need to make more of a scene in public.

"Sorry." Kurt whispered. Fine time.

I guess Puck could see that I was having a hard time because he decided to defend Kurt and attempt to placate me at the same time. " He didn't mean to Merce. Right Kurt? We know you wouldn't do that."

Kurt brightened nodding vigorously, "No, Cedes, I'm sorry you know I can't help it. Really , it gets hard to control the timbre of this voice sometimes. It's a curse and a blessing." He smiled weakly.

I love these guys they are the best. Meddlesome but the best.

"So I take it she didn't tell you."

"No, but I guess I get it." Kurt cast me a furtive glance.

"I've been trying to get her to cut him loose since she came to me, but eh." He said as gently as he possibly could.

"Why hasn't she broken up with him?"

"I don't know, I think she's scared." I could see it in his eyes the disappointment. The anger. Puck was becoming impatient with me.

"Of what?"

I looked at them both dumfounded. They were immersed in a conversation about me in front of me excluding me. "Hello! I'm sitting right here, so why don't you ask me."

"Because, Mercedes, you're gonna lie." He stated as a matter of fact.

"I resent that. I have not lied about anything to you."

"Yeah? You said you were going to talk to Kurt, but he ended up coming to you. You lie." He had a point. But he didn't have to be so crass.

"But I haven't lied about Sam."

"Not yet." I had no idea where this was coming from. Up until that moment he had been as nice as Puck could be. But I guess everyone has their limits. He was tired of my indecision; it made no sense to him.

"Why are you being so mean. I'm not talking to you anymore. Kurt, my best friend, do you have anything you want to ask me that I'm not going to lie about?"

Kurt looked between the two of us with a glint in his eyes that quickly faded when he noticed my confusion. With a look of intent, he swallowed hard and set his jaw, "Why haven't you broken up with the guy who has treated you like a doormat?"

"Kurt," I rolled my eyes at a mute Puck who was glaring at me (what his deal was is a mystery), "Puck is right. I'm scared. What do I say to him? How do I-"

"How 'bout you screwed me over; I hate your guts. I'll wreck you if you come near me again, douche, it's over."

"I wasn't talking to you, Puck, and that's the point I'm trying to make. Yeah, he 'screwed me over' but for reasons I can't understand I don't hate him. I should, I know, but I don't. And yeah he hurt me but I'm stuck."

"Oh, Cedes, honey." Kurt looked like he was going to tear up.

"Don't girl up Hummel. She needs to break up with the guy. Love him or not."

Kurt gathered himself, I could tell he didn't want to say it but he did anyway, "He's right, he's never right, but he's right now; you really need to end it with him. It might help you with putting him behind you."

"I know." It was the most uncertain I have been about anything. Crazy considering I should have been uber-confident about breaking up with Sam.

"Look, Merce, I'm not going to stop riding your back until you do. You can do better than Sam and until you get rid of him you won't realize it." Puck had veered away from his I'm a big mean bully antics and returned to his newly discovered sensitive side.

"I know."

"I'm with Puck. Whatever it takes to get you away from Sam I'll do."

"I know. Uh, Kurt do you think you can catch a ride with Puck, I kind of…" I had a lot to think about and it was all pressing the corners of my mind threatening explosion. I just needed to get away. Needed time to myself. Thank God Kurt knows me so well because he didn't question me once.

"Okay."

"Hey, you can't-" Puck was about to yell at me for treating him as if he wasn't there but he had it coming.

"She can and you will. Leave her alone. Go ahead, honey, I don't mind riding with this meathead."

"Thanks, Kurt. Puck. Both of you. Later, 'kay."

I walked out of the Bean leaving them behind as I set out to figure out if I had enough strength to do what I knew I should have done the first time he suggested we date in secret.


	15. Chapter 14

It's been a long journey. One I'm certain I'm nowhere near the end of; in fact, it feels more like the beginning. Like, I'm starting over again, like I've been given a second chance. Another opportunity to do things the right way.

Quite some time has passed since Kurt and I reconciled and he joined Puck's mission to force me to break up with Sam. Initially, I felt attacked. I have, for the most part, become immune to Puck's brash tactics. He has a lot of bark with a little bit of bite. But I can handle him alone because it's one on one and push come to shove a few tears and he backs off. Thus, limiting the embarrassment and shame factor. However, the two of them together harping on me made me feel backed into a corner with judgmental fingers pointing at me while jeering. I was hurt by the situation to say the least. Puck doesn't seem to know better or understand when to ease off of his personal tirades, yet can sense when someone else has hurt my feelings (go figure). Then there's Kurt, who outright judges me and makes things about him, then feeling guilt ridden immediately following being called out. I don't fault them despite how much it bothers me. I'm learning with time that it's just who they are. It doesn't mean they don't care. In most cases, it means the polar opposite, which sometimes can be overbearing, reaching beyond boundaries. I am a capable minded person. They should have let me take care of things in my time (who knows when that would have been if not for them). I would have broken up with Sam eventually.

That day in the Bean was hard to take. Here were my only friends handling me with boxing gloves. I expected Kurt to defend me against Puck's lack of finesse, but he joined in making everything much worse with his loud attention getting voice. As you already know, I left defeated and feeling bullied, but what you don't know is I haven't spoken to either of them since that day. I know a bum move from me, yeah; I know I'm the witch in this scenario. They were just trying to help. Okay I agree, but push a person long enough and they'll push back. In a way, that's what I was doing. I was punishing them for hurting my feelings, though, more so than that I needed to think. For myself and not anyone else. Just me. And I couldn't do that with either of them projecting their frustrations onto me every other minute, which they continued to do over voicemail, email, text, any form of communication possible really. I wouldn't be surprised if I see a smoke signal soon. I don't think they understand (still don't) why I found it so hard to cut Sam loose. At the time I didn't. Not fully. I just knew I loved him and nothing more. It would take a full week away from both Kurt and Puck for me to figure it out.

At first, I moped around, angered at my best friend and my person. When I climbed from my pit of self pity and anger, I thought. I gave serious consideration to the relationship I was holding on to with Sam. Why? What reasoning was I feeding myself that had me pondering forgiving Sam and going through the disaster all over again? Was it that he was my first? Because I had given him a part of me that I would never be able to give to another? That was a large part of it. When I gave him my body my heart followed locking itself to his indefinitely. No matter how far apart we are he will always have that part of me. We will always be connected. I will always love him and no one, not even me, can change that. There will always be a fondness in my heart for him. Always. He is forever a part of me. But that wasn't all of it.

On the most basal level, at the heart of it, there existed a fear. I was so afraid of being alone again. Before Sam, I was the butt of a cruel joke, so it would seem. A ploy for Puck to keep his popularity. And before Puck, I was alone. Alone. Simply sitting on the sidelines watching everyone couple off, breakup, switch partners, and repeat the process all over again. The loneliness consumed me. Sometimes I would make it to shore only to be snatched back out to sea and taken under again. I lost myself in the alone. Found someone else in Puck. Then came up empty when we split. Sam came and like the sea overtook me. I found myself drowning. Drowned. I was lost again. This time gone farther and deeper than any loneliness could ever take me. Sam validated me. Because of him I didn't question my existence. With him I knew I was alive. What would severing ties entail for me? Would I vanish into the deep to be forgotten? How could I let him go without suffering dire consequences? Over the course of our relationship, I developed an unhealthy need for him. I gave him my life. In him I breathed, I lived, I survived. Though, not really me. I didn't know who I was. I'm still searching the vast universe, physical and metaphysical, for the answer to the question that man has been asking himself since time began. However, attached to Sam, actively or inactively, I didn't have to question myself. As long as the connection between us still remained so did I. Therein lie the problem.

The week away from Puck and Kurt was a moment of reflection. Unbidden, their words continued to echo in my head. All of them. From every message they sent me. Each word forcefully implanted a new understanding of the reality of my relationship with Sam. Each day something new and soul crushing. Each day welcoming a new emotion. Each one more intense than the previous. Sunday-fear. Monday-duress. Tuesday-melancholy. Wednesday-agony. Thursday-defeat. Friday-enraged. Saturday-determination. Not once did I think of abandoning my _spiritual_ quest to give into my desires and fears, but multiple times. Time after time I could feel it humming inside of me, the urge to give up. But when I felt myself giving in, I would hear Kurt's shrill voice and see Puck's disappointed eyes. Whether they knew it or not and without any permission from me, they had pried my eyes open. I was wide awake. I had to let go of Sam and there was no way I was ever going to do that while I was technically still with him. The knowledge that was slowly becoming my power also dragged along with it an immense fury I wasn't prepared for fueling me with the craving to hurt Sam as much as he hurt me.

Friday I sat in my room, door locked, scheming of ways to cause as much pain as possible. From the outside looking in, I would have appeared insane. But really I was just coping. I figured if I could bring myself to take Sam back without succumbing to his charming wiles, I could seduce him ensuring his heart belonged to me and only me. Then if I could coerce Puck into pretending to hook up with me in plain sight, Sam would feel exactly how I felt the day I saw him with Santana.

Fortunately, I wasn't talking to Puck at the time because he would have thought I had lost my mind. Looking back maybe I did a little. Maybe I needed to. Eventually saner thoughts prevailed and I put those ridiculous thoughts from my mind (they still remain in my journal). I would have to go about freeing myself from the self-imposed virtual prison of a relationship in a more conventional manner. However it was to be done, I knew it had to be done. Though I believe Sam loves me, I know the love we shared was not right.

That's why a couple of days ago I finally took the prodding of my friends to heart officially breaking up with Sam. It was hard. It would be a bold faced and stupid lie to say it was easy. The dread I felt over being in the same space as Sam nearly halted me. But I did it anyway because of the perspective I have gained through the tough love Puck and Kurt have shown me. Perspective, I am glad to say, I am still gaining today. Am I fixed? No. Not even close, but I'm working on it. And breaking up with Sam in spite of how hard he made it for me was the step in the right direction. I just wish I would have been more prepared for the darts that were thrown at me.


	16. Chapter 15

The week following the minor blowout between Puck, Kurt and I, I found myself home alone. My dad was at one of his monthly dental conventions, while my mom was visiting her sick mother. I sat in my room watching a movie. Midway through _Pretty in Pink_ I felt this nagging in the back of my mind. Like a buzzing as if there was something I had forgotten. Bored and upset with knowing Andie chooses Blane, the weak piece of crap too ashamed to date her publicly (hypocritical, I know, sue me), over Duckie, the faithful friend completely and utterly in love with her, I picked up my phone to call Kurt when I realized I was no longer talking to him or Puck. That's when it hit me and the nagging buzz rang as clear as a bell. I had to break up with Sam. So instead of being mad at myself for not knowing how to make up with my boys including shutting them out in the first place, I called Sam. Before I could say one word Sam took control.

"Mercedes! What's going on? Why have you been avoiding me? How are you doing? We haven't talked since…" He didn't continue in that vein. "I miss you, Bambs. Don't you miss me?" By the time he finished his voice had gone from frantic to soft poking a pinhole into the barrier I had built to protect me from him. From the feelings he was inciting.

"Sure, Sam, I miss you." Stupid girl. Stupid, stupid girl. The last thing that needed to come from my mouth came spilling out without any hesitation. Yeah, it was true, but it had no place in this conversation. Of all the questions I could have answered my lovesick lips chose that one.

"So what's up? Where have you been?" Sam carried on as if things were as they were before, which to him maybe they were.

"Sam, I need to talk to you, and I can't do it over the phone, okay. You think you can come over?" I wanted so badly to get this over with. The sooner I did the sooner I could move on with my life. The only problem was I felt I owed Sam the courtesy of breaking up with him face to face. I owed it to myself. I couldn't have been more delusional. Should have just broken up with him over the phone, but hindsight as they say.

"No problem, are your parent's home?"

"No, it will just be us." Not that it mattered. We would not be having sex.

"Okay, I'll be there in a bit. I miss you so much; I can't wait to see you."

"Yeah, bye Sam." He'd done it without even trying. Sam had made me cower within myself, instead of cursing him out calling things off and hanging the phone up without even giving him a chance to talk. But I would have that chance once he showed up at my house. I could do it then. Right?

The time it took for Sam to get to my house was record breaking. When I opened the door to him, he stood there staring. Stunned I guess. It had been a while. Walking in, he gripped me in the fiercest embrace he could muster. Just a hug. Nothing more. I was hard pressed to push him away. He had never held me like that. Never.

"I missed you." He whispered in my ear. The feel of his warm breath sent chills down my spine and caused an ache in my heart.

Pulling away he jogged for the stairs to my room. "Come on." He yelled behind him. Ignorantly, I didn't stop him. I was breaking up with him it didn't matter if we were on the roof nothing was going to happen (nothing was supposed to happen).

He sat on my bed. I sat in my desk chair. Plenty of distance and space. Neither of us opened our mouths. I know without a doubt that Sam didn't have anything to say because his eyes were speaking for him. He was confused and horny. It took me a minute to wrap my lips around the words I needed to free myself from the festering boil that masqueraded as a relationship. "So, Sam…I need to tell you something. That's why I've invited you over." Formal, I know, but I needed to dispel his lustful hopes without sounding doubtful.

"What is it, M.J.? It's been so long since we talked – since I've seen you even. What's going on? You're not pregnant because if you are you don't have to worry. I'll take care of the both of you and we can get-"

"Sam, God, no! I'm on the pill. No slip ups here and you always use a condom. I'm not pregnant." The relief that washed over his face almost made me smile. "We need to break up. I know that technically we aren't even together. Were never together – I'm – I can't be with you anymore."

Sam's eyes bugged and his mouth hung wide like a large mouth bass. "What?"

"I think you should go." There was more I wanted to say. More I needed to say, but I could feel my resolve taking a hit. Things weren't as easy as I thought they were going to be. Hearing Sam's declaration of taking care of me and a nonexistent baby really did a number on me. He needed to leave. I couldn't talk to him. I see now what I didn't then. I wasn't strong enough. Talking to him only made me ache for his love. I rushed from my seat to open the door. Standing with the door ajar, I did not dare look anywhere near Sam. I couldn't. But I didn't need to look at him, because he touched me. He wrapped his arms around my waist burying his head in the crook of my neck trailing kisses to my ear. Unfortunately, that's all it took for me. I knew I should have waited or possibly just broke things off over the phone, but I was foolish and maybe expecting this. Expecting one last time with Sam. Or something more? I'm still not sure, but it happened.

It was an ecstasy filled blur. By the time I came to my senses, the deed was done and we were snuggled next to each other. For a moment, I just lay in his arms. He was holding me tightly as if it might be the last time. I settled into his arms absorbing the warmth of the embrace. Imagining that everything was okay. That I was his girl and he was my guy and nothing in the world could change that. We were an us. But the moment the thought crossed my mind, I felt physically ill because none of it was true. We were never an us and nothing was okay. My stomach lurched and I thought I might puke on an unclad Sam.

Grabbing the sheet, I jumped from the bed and began frantically clothing myself feeling dirty. Stupid. pitiful. Once I was fully clothed I woke Sam from his postcoital slumber. "Sam!"

"Huh?"

"Get up. Put on your clothes." My voice was shaking. I was trying my hardest to keep tears from seeping from my eyes.

"What? Why?"

"Sam, just do it. Please."

"Uh, okay." I stood with my back against the wall with my eyes shut while Sam took his precious time getting dressed.

"Let's go to the kitchen. I really need to talk to you."

"Fine, we can talk it's been a while. I miss talking to you, babe."

"I'm sure." I mumble under my breath. We entered the kitchen, the location least conducive to seduction, taking a seat at the breakfast table. "Sam, I said it before, and I kind of meant it. We are over. I'm breaking up with you."

"What? After we just – why?"

"I'm sorry about that, Sammy, I shouldn't have – I know it wasn't right – not knowing I called you over to breakup with you."

"Mercedes, it was right. We love each other. We're not breaking up. We just made love; you wouldn't have done that if you wanted to break up with me."

"Sam – we – that was not love. You don't love me how I should be loved, heck; I don't love myself how I should be loved."

"Baby, what are you saying, I do love you. I've never had sex with anyone else. Only you. You can't tell me I don't love you."

"If you loved me you wouldn't have dated Quinn or Santana while I watched them have something I would never have with you. Forget that you couldn't date me publicly-"

"You agreed to that-"

"I know and that's why I'm not blaming you for it entirely, but aside from that, if you loved me I would not have had to watch you make out with someone you promised nothing was happening with."

"Nothing was happening with her. Santana was kissing me."

"But you weren't pushing her away, baby. You were just letting it happen, and if you loved me like you think you do, you wouldn't have let it get that far."

"Mercedes, Bambs."

"No Sam, I can't anymore. I just can't with you at all. I'm breaking up with you, and unlike the last time this is it. No amount of puppy dog eyes or begging is going to work."

"Mercedes, you can't do this. You don't _want_ to do this."

"I have to. It doesn't matter what I want. Sam can you please leave." Sam opened his mouth, "Please, Sammy."

With a defeated look Sam stood up from the table. I walked him to the door. "Bye, Sam." He didn't say anything to me. He didn't look at me. He just left. And in that moment I knew it was over. It hurt much more than even I imagined it would. My heart felt free, but incredibly broken. As soon as the door closed behind him, my legs gave out underneath me causing me to fall to the floor, where I remained submerged in sorrow.


	17. Chapter 16

or inexplicable reasons, I was devastated over the breakup. Maybe it was the weight of reality finally laying its heavy hand on me, or maybe I was mourning for myself or the loss of my imaginary love. I don't know, but the haze with which I drifted through lasted for a few days.

It was in those days that I pondered the meaning of love. Or should I say what love is or should be. During my fictional relationship with Sam that only existed in my head, unwittingly I equated love with sex. Foolishly, I accepted our intimate relationship as the manifestation of feelings I thought we both shared. Certainly what I know I felt, but never too sure that Sam reciprocated. After all that has transpired, I can see how naïve and simple minded I had been. I gave him everything I had. Though most of me has to believe that Sam doesn't love me; there's a portion of me that knows he loves me no matter how conditional. However, because I was wrong, miscalculated how much he really loved me, I gave him something I can never get back.

It's hard to say I regret it. When Sam and I were something similar to an us as we were going to get I was in all the way. He owned my heart and though I can never let him know, he still does. So truthfully, I cannot say that I regret what happened between us, but that doesn't mean that if I had the chance to do it _all_ over again I wouldn't wait. Because I would. I would wait because if I had waited I would have found out that Sam didn't love me the way I love him.

Sure in the beginning, it seemed like love but under the pretense I wonder how I could be so blind. What Sam and I shared was sex posing as love. How I couldn't have known that the act itself isn't love is beyond me. Sex is just sex. In the best of cases, it can be the expression of love, but most times it is not. And that's what we had become accustomed to. Just sex and nothing more. Maybe it was just sex all along and I had deluded myself into believing otherwise, but in the end the my blinded eyes were opened and I could see it for what it really was.

That's why I wanted to crawl into a corner ball up and die the day I broke up with him. I knew better, but I did nothing to thwart his advances. I gave in for one last time with Sam. Even now I can't fully explain why I did it. My only guess is fear. Possibly hope? It's a mystery to me.

So, for days I sat in my room immersed in solitude mulling things over and avoiding my best friends.

Friends.

Sam and I were never friends. He'd seen me, wanted me, and gotten me. I hadn't even entertained the thought of being in the clutches of someone as beautiful or popular as him. I had given up all hope after the fiasco with Puck that flattened my heart and left me broken.

Only lovers. We had only been lovers. Lovers without the love (ironic, huh?). Maybe we're too young for love. For real love. I don't know, but all the while I ignored the many calls, texts and emails of my friends I gave considerable thought on the idea.

It became glaringly obvious that though I may have forgotten what love is, I had great examples all around me. Love is incessant badgering because you care even if the person you care about isn't speaking to you. Love is forgiveness freely given all transgressions forgotten. Love is an apology spoken despite being long overdue. A shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Arms of comfort. Harsh words of truth for your own good. Real love feels like a best friend being brutally honest and a soul mate apologizing for absolutely nothing at all. I have all of that and more with Kurt and Puck.

In those quiet moments alone, I came to the realization that I need to let go of Sam entirely. Severing all ties that tether me to him. Why should I hold on to something that pales in comparison to the love I have with people that are only my friends and not lovers.

Regrettably, I pushed them both away. I still hadn't responded to either of my boys days after the breakup; therefore, I was in this thing alone. All my fault, but I need them. Well I needed my girlfriend, Kurt. Knowing he would be more likely to forgive without much of a fuss, I went to visit him. It was time I spoke to him. I shouldn't have shut him out in the first place. I needed him, will always need him, and in this case, he was the better choice (his judginess notwithstanding) because I could only imagine how Puck would react to hearing I slept with Sam even if I did break up with him anyway. So Kurt it was.


	18. Chapter 17

It was my turn to do the groveling. It was my turn before, but that's neither here nor there, so, I decided to do it the right way this time. Kurt deserved it, and I owed it to him. When I arrived at Kurt's house, I noticed I didn't see Finn's car, which was great because he's always butting into Kurt's business, which is sometimes my business. I definitely didn't want him overhearing about Sam and I. He would tell Rachel, and Rachel would find a way to poke her obnoxious nose into the middle of things. And much worse he could tell Puck before I got the chance, not that I intended to tell Puck (what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him). I grabbed the basket of goodies I made for Kurt, and made my way to his door.

"Hey, Mercedes." Mr. Hummel looked at me kind of weird. I guess he didn't know that Kurt and I had made up.

"Hey, Mr. Hummel."

"Kurt's in his room. Kurt you got company!" The guy's something else, after yelling in my face he backed away from the door to let me in and said, "You know the way."

I did. So, I went shaking my head and grinning. Kurt has such a great dad no matter how awkward he can be sometimes.

When I got to his room, the door was already open; so, I walked in to see him sitting at the edge of his bed glaring at me. I guess he saw me pull up outside because it looked like he'd been wearing that scowl for a while. I'm sure if he wasn't so mad at me he wouldn't have scowled in the first place for risk of wrinkles. I stood still in front of him afraid he was going kick me out. I don't know what I would have done if that had happened. However, when he finally decided that he wanted to talk to me his voice carried none of the anger his eyes held.

"Mercedes, what's going on? I've been calling, Puck has been calling. What gives?" He sounded super worried about me. Worry I didn't deserve.

"I'm sorry. So sorry. I-" Me being the blubbering baby that I am broke out into a fit of tears. Kurt, whom I had obviously hurt, was tempted to comfort me. I saw the slight jerk of his hand, but maybe the hurt and anger directed towards me was stronger than his urge to console the worst best friend he could ask for. I get it. I had pushed him away again. And _again_ he had no idea why. How selfish of me not to realize _my_ actions hurt people too. I stilled myself as quickly as I could realizing I had to clear the air before I could confide in him and we could resume camaraderie. "I'm sorry, Kurt, it's just...that day at the Bean…it was like a slap in the face."

"We weren't-"

"I know. What I mean is…you guys were right. It was beating me upside the head. I knew it. I knew I had to break things off with Sam, but I wasn't ready to face it. And when you and Puck – I wasn't ready. I stopped taking your calls because I needed to come to grips with Sam and me on my own. I was mad at you guys, but really more mad at me and my situation. I'm really sorry. I am. I brought you this as a proper apology. I hope you like it."

I offered him the basket, and when his eyes caught sight of the cashmere glove and scarf set, double chocolate chip muffins, gourmet coffee, and a gift card to Breadsticks he squealed.

"Thank you, Cedes. This is awesome. But this doesn't excuse your actions. We're more than best friends, and you have no idea how hard it was not having you there the last time. So stop being so selfish, and next time don't cut me out of your life without telling me why first. I would have given you the space you needed. You know that, don't you?" He said wrapping me in his arms.

"Yeah, I do. I just got so caught up in myself and my problems that I didn't really think about how it affected you. I'm really sorry, and I'll remember to check with you first before going AWOL; though, I don't think I'm ever going to go that long without talking to you ever again. I near about went crazy."

"Let's hope not. I missed you, and I was so worried about you. So was Puck. He called me nearly every day complaining about you not responding to any of his attempts at communication thinking maybe I'd heard from you. We started to think you had gotten back with Sam."

"That's why he sent me that vicious, borderline abusive, email. Oh Kurt it was horrible. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he'd lost his mind and was going to kill either me or Sam if I was thinking about getting back with the loser."

"Yeah, he seems to be taking the silent treatment pretty hard, but I think he's simmered down now. He's more worried than angry, now. Have you called him yet?"

"No. I haven't; I just want to talk to you. I don't think I'm ready for his brand of friendship just yet."

"Are you okay?"

"Not really…"

"What's – you still haven't broken up with Sam, have you?" Kurt took back the arm that was holding me leaning back with an extremely saddened, annoyed expression torturing his beautiful unbelievably doll-like features.

I couldn't help squirming under his gaze and decided I'd rather sit in the art deco chair in the corner across the room because I knew that look wasn't going anywhere even after I explained myself.

"Actually, I have…a few days ago." Kurt didn't say anything. I take it he had no idea what to say. I'm sure if he spoke he'd say something inappropriately giddy. "I know I should be…better, but my heart hurts so much. Kurt I didn't know love could hurt so bad." The tears were brimming. I didn't let them fall, but Kurt could see the haziness of my eyes.

"Oh, Cedes, what happened? Was it…ugly?" His wording was incredibly _appropriate_ ; however, it didn't feel right.

"Kurt-" and the tears I had refused to shed came bursting forth quite unattractively. In between the sniffling, whimpering and all out bawling, I told him what had transpired between Sam and me. Kurt listened with rapt attention as I blubbered my way through every gory, embarrassing, tantalizing, intimate, heart wrenching detail. For the first time ever there was no interruption from my bestie. He only spoke when he was certain I was finished talking and crying.

"You – You didn't. Oh, Mercedes, why?"

" _I'll_ tell you why, Kurt-"

"Puck?" Both Kurt and I were shocked to see Puck standing in the doorway glaring at me. Fists balled at his sides.

"She's wea-"

"Don't say something you can't take back, Puck. I love you; I do, but there is a line that you do not want to cross."

"So, Sam, the douche, can all but treat you like a woman and you bone him one last time before you finally have the balls to break up with him," he stepped through the door, "but I speak the truth and you're ready to write me out of your life."

"Calm down, she was…what did you hear because if-"

"Doesn't matter, Kurt, I know she hooked up with Sam instead of punching him. How much more do I need to know? She's so in love with someone who clearly doesn't love her back that she can't think straight."

Kurt got up from his bed to close his bedroom door. Everyone in the house didn't need to know what I had done. It's a wonder Finn didn't hear, what with all the yelling Puck was doing.

"Sit down." Kurt said firmly while gesturing to the seat adjacent to mine, but Puck gave it a hardened sneer and remained standing. My heart jerked. How he managed to make me feel so small is beyond me. It's not like he was ever the perfect person. He wasn't even a good person in the purest sense of the word, but he held that power over me. Despite what I was feeling, Puck wouldn't know. I would not let him know how much he was hurting me.

"Why did you do it? Huh, Mercedes? We want to know." As if he had the right.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't have to tell you that. As a matter of fact, I don't _want_ to tell _you._ First, I didn't come to you, so, you aren't even supposed to know." The scowl distorting his ruggedly handsome features softened marginally giving way to another expression resembling hurt (I think). "Second, you were eavesdropping, invading my privacy. If I wanted to talk to you about this I would have contacted _you,_ but I didn't. I owe you nothing. Especially not an explanation for why I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend just so you can turn it around and make me feel like some-some kind of-of weak slutty whore."

The slight frown that still lingered on his face instantly fell away. He stood staring at me dumbly before falling into the seat beside me. He didn't look at me after sitting; he just covered his face with his hands shaking his head. I had no idea what was going through his mind, but I know it should have been guilt for always treating me like some loser (he's a friend he should be more sympathetic).

"Dang, Merce, I do, huh?"

"What?" Both Kurt and I looked at him baffled.

"I always say the exact thing that I shouldn't. I always end up making _you_ feel bad when I really just want to break Sam's face and cut off his stupid lips."

I glanced around at Puck. He really isn't who everyone else (even me at times) thinks he is. I think even Kurt was starting to see him differently. Well, I'm pretty sure considering how close they've become the last few weeks. He definitely had plenty to observe watching me and Puck carry on as if he wasn't even in his own room, which serves him right for that day at the bean.

"Yeah, you kind of do."

"I'm sorry. I just get so mad when I hear how he treats you and that you," I shut his mouth with a scathing eye. I know I let Sam get away with murder, but I did not want to keep hearing it. I was trying to get over that crap. "I want to punch something or someone, okay. Instead, I take it out on you. I don't mean to."

I didn't say anything. Then he turned to look at me and spoke softly without the sarcasm and indignation. His words came across as if he really wanted to know my reason for sleeping with Sam. "Why _did_ you – you know, with Sam?"

Though he'd been unusually quiet during all of this, I did notice Kurt's ears perk up. I think I could get used to the less vocal Kurt Hummel.

"I don't know. I love him?" Neither said a word waiting for me to continue. So I did. Or tried. At the time, I wasn't really sure why myself. I am still fairly unclear about that. I try not to think about it. It was done and I can't take it back. Turning to look at Puck, I tried my best. "I guess I just wanted to feel loved by him. Honestly, Puck, the simplest explanation I can give is…old habits die hard. For that moment, I didn't want to let him go. Let us go. The us that no one ever saw, the us that was happy together and something kind of beautiful. Afterwards I just felt exactly how you think of me."

Kurt might as well have been downstairs with his father because I hadn't even acknowledged him or remembered he was in the room. In that moment, it was just me and Puck hashing out the little bumps in our newly reformed friendship.

"How I think of you? What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know what I'm talking about. I know what you were about to say. And when you found out that I gave my virginity to Sam, you didn't explicitly call me a whore, but it was heavily implied. And the look you were just giving me a few minutes ago, please, you think I'm a stupid slut."

Kurt gasped and covered his mouth, while Puck looked taken aback and a bit angry.

"Mercedes, I don't know how you could think that _I_ think that. You are the complete opposite. And it hasn't escaped me that he's obviously the only dude you've ever had sex with. That alone makes you the best girl I know, not that that's the only reason. Out of all the girls I know, and I know a lot, I think way more of you than any of them. You're not a slut and I know you're not as weak or stupid as you've been acting. Merce, I could never think that about you."

I said nothing. For once, miss blabber mouth was speechless.

"You believe me, right?"

I should have believed him, he hadn't really given me a reason not to, but in the depths of my mind I couldn't shake the fear that he was lying to me. I mean, I kind of felt like a slut myself. But he didn't have to know that. "Yeah." I took a deep breath. "Yeah, I believe you."

"You better because you're my best friend."

"What about Finn?"

"Well, he's my friend too. I guess you're my best _girl_ friend, I guess."

"Works for me."

"But really, Mercedes don't ever think that I see you that way…'cause I don't."

"Okay."

"I know I've gone about this all wrong, but how are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"I don't know. I'm better, but I miss-"

"I get it." He was trying. I couldn't ignore that, but he didn't have to snap at me every time I said something he didn't want to hear (schizo much).

"You asked. Don't ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to. And why are you so upset anyways? It's not like you don't know how I feel for Sam. And I'm not with him anymore." Puck opened his mouth, but he didn't say anything. The stupid look he gave me said enough. He didn't even know why himself. "Whatever Puck, I won't tell you; I'll tell Kurt."

"Oh, so you finally remember that I'm here, in _my_ room."

"Now you see how I felt."

"Huh?"

"The Bean ringing any bells?"

"Oh." Kurt said lamely.

"Yeah, oh."

"Whatever, so, now that you and Puck are finished with whatever it is that you do, you told me how _well_ you took the break up, how did Sam react when you told him your lodgings were no longer available to him. For real."

"At first, he tried to make me take it back, but when he knew that wasn't going to happen, he just left. I don't know if he was upset or hurt. I haven't heard from him since."

"Do you want to hear from him?"

I looked to Puck who was looking me directly in my eyes, which I rolled at him blatantly ignoring _yet_ another question that would cause the bipolar lunatic to spazz out on me _yet_ again.

"Come on, I said I was sorry."

"You apologize. That's kind of what you do, but I don't want to deal with you flipping out right now."

"I won't. I get it. So, I won't." I huffed and answered his question. If I didn't, he'd probably keep badgering me and whining until I gave in anyway.

"I know that I'm not _supposed_ to want to." I felt the warm tear slide down my cheek, and Puck turned his face away from me before I could register the look in his eyes. I swiped at the offending liquid, hating myself for being so weak.

"At least you've made it to that point, Cedes. I think that's a step in the right direction. Don't you, Puck?"

"Yeah." He still didn't look at me.

"And besides, it'll take time for you t get over him. He was your first." In the corner of my eye, I saw Puck flinch. "So if you think you're about dive headfirst into the sea of Sam, just give one of us a call and we'll pull you off the ledge. Right, Puck?"

I knew what Kurt was doing, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to know that the lasting feelings I had for Sam had agitated our friend. Not that I cared, he said he wouldn't flip and he didn't. Though I did wish that he hadn't shut me out, I was grateful he wasn't screaming at me or inadvertently insulting me.

When he spoke, it was a noncommittal grunt of sorts mingled with his word. "Yeah." Puck glanced in my general direction, but his eyes didn't meet mine like before. He was probably angry with me again. Disappointed that I hadn't let Sam go already. I'm not like him. There have only ever been two. Him and Sam. The latter of which I gave everything to, and though I consciously know that I still shouldn't harbor _any_ feelings for Sam that are not negative, I do. It isn't going to go away over night, and I can't concern myself with his issues concerning what _I'm_ going through. I'm not working on Puck's time I'm working on my time. So, sue me if exorcising my love demons takes me more than a couple of days.

"Thanks. You don't have to worry about me because I won't be calling him or taking his calls, or any other invitations. I'll be fine. From now on, I'm anti-Sam. I think that's the only way to get him out of my system. I just have to learn to cope with being alone again."

"What do you mean 'again'? You were never really together." So he spoke, and when he did I felt the tightening of my throat and the sting in my eyes. Clearly, he doesn't listen to himself when he speaks because I could have sworn I heard him say he wouldn't do this very thing.

Hurt, I did't have the wherewithal to hold back the silently creeping tears that blurred my eyes. Ashamed, I lowered my head blocking my face from view of both Kurt and the colossal screwball.

"I mean – God, I'm such an idiot. That's not what I meant to say. Mercedes please stop crying."

"Ugh, why did you say that?"

"I don't know, Hummel, it just kind of slipped out."

"I really need to get a muzzle for your loose lips."

"I know, look Mercedes, hey Merce." Puck kneeled in front of me grabbing my shoulders. I didn't dare to look up at him. I was so tired of the spinning wheel of emotions. What's worse, I couldn't stop the waterworks. "I'm sorry I said that. What I meant to say before I stuck my stupid foot in my mouth is that you don't have to worry about being alone because you have me." I heard Kurt clear his throat and I bet Puck rolled his eyes. "I mean me and Kurt. You have us."

I still didn't' look up at him. I looked past him to Kurt who was nodding his head and smiling. When I did gather myself and look at Puck, he looked embarrassed, though I still don't think he learned his lesson.

Looking up and biting my lip, I shook my head at those knuckleheads. What would I do without them? "Thanks you guys." I wiped the remaining tears from my eyes and punched Puck in the shoulder. "Maybe you should think before you speak. It would save me some tears, you jerk," I said smiling.

"I'll try." And out of nowhere he hugged me. Initially, I was shocked, but hey, it's Puck; so, I returned the gesture. Then Kurt came barreling at us both joining in on the mushy moment.

This was perfect. I had my boys, and they had me. I would be just fine.


	19. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

We're over. We haven't spoken in, like, forever, and when we finally do, she breaks up with me. It would have been easier to handle had she not made love to me before dumping me. I didn't see it coming. I know I'm not usually the first to know or recognize anything, but I know I could have seen this coming if it was coming. There were never any signs that she was even unhappy or whatever. I mean, yeah, we haven't really been together _together_ in weeks, but that was because she was busy or sick. At least that's what she told me. How was I supposed to know that she was avoiding me because she wanted to breakup with me?

I still can't wrap my head around being apart from her possibly for good. I don't think I could take it if that were true. But I'm pretty sure I can't talk her into taking me back. Not now. Not when she looks at me with so much hurt in her eyes. Eyes that used to light up when she saw me. When did that happen? Where did all this hurt come from? There were tears, lots of tears and I didn't-don't know why, not entirely-and then she was saying that I didn't love her and that she didn't love herself. Crazy. It was all so crazy. It seemed like she was babbling. Nothing made sense, not really. I tried getting through to her, but she wouldn't break.

It was the thing with Santana. She wouldn't listen to me because of Santana. She's still ignoring me. If I could explain…but she won't let me. Even then, the day we broke up, she froze on me, and I couldn't get in. I have seen Mercedes angry, very angry, but there was a sadness that I have never seen before.

How did I not see this coming?

I know it was probably stupid thinking I'd be with Bambs, my little Bambi, forever, but I did. And I always assumed that if we ever did breakup we would still be friends, but that didn't happen. She basically kicked me out. I didn't get to plead my case or get the opportunity to make her change her mind. I can admit that I wouldn't have had any clue what I could have said to get her back. I was-am as hurt as she looked. I love her. She was…but that doesn't stop me from being angry with her too.

I can't believe she just gave up on us like that. Without trying. Yeah, I kind of broke up with her that time-it was more like a break than anything-but I never intended for it to be forever, I always believed I would make my way back to her. But she just gave up, and a as mad as I am at her for not trying, I would be fooling myself to think that I'm not miserable without my girl.

I can't get her out of my mind. Just like I couldn't after I asked her for a break. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with her, but I was so relieved that she was willing to be back in my life.

I was stupid.

I need Mercedes. I have always needed Mercedes. She's my girl, the only person I can trust with everything.

But somehow the thing with Santana has ruined what I had with Mercedes, taken the best thing in my life away from me. For the record, it was nothing. Santana was just being Santana. And because of that stupid day after glee, Mercedes disappeared then out of the blue she called, wanted to see me, hooked up with me, and then dumped me.

I have tried with all my might not to call or text her. I have even stopped myself from showing up at her house. All this time I've been replaying the whole thing over and over in my head trying to figure this junk out, but all I keep hearing is her saddened voice telling me that I don't love her. I keep hearing it over and over. "You don't love me…You don't love me…You don't love me…"

But I do love her. I love Mercedes. Don't I? Yeah, I do. I do love her. It's just that voice of hers repeating itself in my head causing me to question my love for her because I _know_ I love her. How could she not know? I mean, we made _love_ before she decided to cut me out of her life. I just don't get it.

I've given more to Mercedes than any girlfriend I've ever had. Our first times, my first time was with her. I wanted it to be her, no one else. I told her things I have never told anyone else, but I don't love her?

Even when I was _dating_ Quinn and Santana, it wasn't nor could it ever be what me and my little Bambi had. I didn't talk to them, and no matter how much Santana tried I didn't hook up with her. I wouldn't do that to MJ. Yeah, there was that one time, not my fault, she was sitting in my lap and putting her lips on mine. What was I supposed to do? Push her out of my lap to the floor. My parents taught me never to hit a girl, even if they aren't really that much of a girl. So, I don't. It wasn't like I was kissing her back. I know that's what it looked like to Mercedes, but I swear my lips were not moving. And I could have told her that had she given me the chance.

I mean, if she would have listened to me, she would have found out that she's the only person I ever want to kiss, touch, be with. She's my everything. She told me I was her everything, but now that's over. All because of Santana. I don't get why she would think I would choose anyone over her. Why would I want Santana's fake lips when I had Mercedes' very real, very plump, very soft, very mine lips. I wouldn't. That's why I don't understand why we are not together right now. She has to know I would never choose anyone over her, right? Not Quinn. Not Santana. No one. She's my girl. She'll always be my girl.

I know right now things are…complicated between us right now, and she thinks she doesn't want to be with me, but I know I can get her to come to me. I just have to remind her of what we had. Because we were in love. Our relationship wasn't just some way for me to have sex. I'm not being cocky, but if sex was all I wanted I could have gotten that from anybody, Santana was practically throwing it at me, but I refused her every time.

It hurts that Mercedes thought it was only about the sex; it wasn't only about the sex. She's the nicest person I've ever met. Sure Quinn and the rest of them seem genuine enough when comes to me, but none of them took the time to get to know me like Mercedes did. She didn't want me because I'm the quarterback of the football team or because she had this narcissistic ego that had to have me because I was the hottest thing on two legs in the school. Santana's words not mine. My girl wanted me for me. I'm not the smartest person or even close, but she didn't care. At least, I thought she didn't, but the first time we broke up she threw it in my face, which hurt, a lot.

I know now that she was just mad, and she did apologize, but I can't help but wonder sometimes if she really believes the things she said. Maybe she does. Yet, it doesn't matter because I miss her. I miss her, and I want her back. Whatever it takes. I want my Bambs back no matter the cost.

I gave her a couple of weeks to cool off before I tried to talk to her about getting back together again.


	20. Chapter 19

After talking with Kurt and Puck, I felt much better about the breakup. That didn't mean that I didn't still miss Sam a lot, but it meant that I knew it was okay to miss Sam. Also, if I needed to talk, I had two wonderful friends that were there to listen.

I've been making it through the ups and downs of not being with Sam with little ease. Some days have been better and some days a lot worse than I could fathom, but I'm making it. I have overcome so many hurdles, and I feel I have grown up so much since all this crap with Sam started. I won't lose myself to a broken lonely foolish heart.

I had been ignorant enough to fall into the same snare after Puck, but I can't do that again. I won't do that again. I have to live life for myself. Put myself first for a chance. I have to learn to love me, and I can't do that pining over Sam. I know for me to truly get over him it will take some time, but I'm determined. I'm determined to find the me that can be happy single. I won't say alone because as long as I have Kurt and Puck I'm not alone. But I've got to be happy with being me with just me. It seems like forever since I was content with just being daddy's little girl.

I know you're probably wondering what happened in my life to make me this weak stupid girl, but that's just it, nothing really happened. My dad stills loves me and dotes on me, spoils me even. My mom is great too. Not as attentive as my father, but she's a good mom. I understand her distance; she's been taking care of her mother in Georgia for so many years, traveling back and forth between there and here. She's always so worried about Granny's health and wellbeing when she's here in Lima with us. So I get it, and she's still doing a great job as a mother.

The problem is me.

I've allowed people like Santana and Quinn to magnify the insecurities I've always had, but found a way to live with, to the point where I started seeing myself just as they did. Less than. Not to mention, the constant slushy bombs by the cheerleaders and jocks. Couple with that the fact that I'm a plus-sized, black girl surrounded by perfect Barbies who get the world and every guy handed to them on a silver platter, and I gave in. I started eating what they were feeding me. I wasn't as good as a Quinn or even a Rachel.

I'm done with that way of thinking.

I am so done subscribing to that magazine; I'm moving on and the first step was kicking Sam to the curb. He only reinforced the negativity that was molding me. We weren't right for each other. Knowing that, however, doesn't stop my heart from feeling like it's being kicked repeatedly by some freak, monster mule at times. However, and that's a big HOWEVER, I feel extremely liberated.

No more worrying about my wayward boyfriend-person-guy I'm sleeping with, or feeling dirty for hooking up in the janitor's closet (what was I thinking). Nope. I'm free to worry about myself.

Now, I can focus on my grades which have slipped. I want to get into a good college and bad grades won't get me there. Thank all the goodness of God I haven't become a failing student. I can also put more effort into my singing. Maybe even try out for some solos, even though I know Schu is only going to give them to Rachel. But it wouldn't matter because I did it for me.

For three weeks I've been trying, but there have been challenges along the way. I had two weeks to myself, two weeks free of Sam, to feel like things were finally looking up before he decided to bring all that happiness crumbling down around me. This time around, Sam only waited two weeks before trying to get me back. Apparently, he wasn't taking the breakup so well. I don't know why not because we all know he and I weren't doing much talking (if you know what I mean), and we certainly hadn't been spending any time together. I was avoiding him before we broke up, remember. So, I was just as shocked (I still am) that he decided to show up on my doorstep like some stray cat begging for milk.


	21. Chapter 20

I had just gotten off the phone with Kurt when I decided to call Puck and invite him to hang out with us later. My dad was leaving town. We had planned this big daddy-daughter weekend then he got a call from Mom stating that Grandma had taken a turn for the worse. He wanted me to come along, but I didn't know how long we would be gone, and I didn't want to miss school (nerd move, who knew). Nor was I prepared to see my granny in such a state. Also, I didn't want to be home alone; so, I invited my boys over to spend the day with me. I needed some company big time, and any distraction from worrying about my grandma would keep me from crying my eyes out over a gallon of Haagen Daaz.

They both had something to do that morning (I think Puck was lying) so they wouldn't be over until around noon or later. Worked for me, it gave me time to go through the pantry to see what kind of snacks we had to eat while we watched movies.

While I rummaged through the cabinets and refrigerator, I heard the doorbell ring. At first thought, I suspected it was Puck; he didn't sound too busy just sleepy, maybe he decided to forgo sleeping in to come be with me, his best friend. How wrong I was.

I had the biggest smile on my face when I swung the door open to have it washed right off at the sight of Sam staring at me pitifully. Immediately, my heart lurched, but outwardly, I rolled my eyes. I did not want him to know that he was affecting me in anyway (which would seem positive for him).

"Sam, you should go." I stepped back to push the door closed but ended up meeting his hand gripping the side of the door and his foot crossing the threshold.

"Mercedes-"

"You need to step back, Sam."

"Okay, but you can't try to close the door."

"Fine, just back up." He didn't know what his presence was doing to me, or maybe he did, but whatever he knew or didn't, it took him a second to give me the space I needed. After acquiescing to my demand, he didn't say anything. "Why are you here? Because if it's just to stare at me you've had your fill, you can go."

I guess that did the trick.

"Oh, um…Are your parents home?" Or not.

"No Sam." I spoke before my conscious even registered the question. "Wait, whether my parents are her or not has nothing to do with you."

"Well, it kind of does if we're going to talk."

"Talk? Sam, we have nothing to talk about. I did all the talking with you that I'm ever going to two weeks ago."

"You talked about breaking up. I want to talk about getting back together." Huh?

"What?" I couldn't actually believe he was for real. If he'd heard anything I told him when we broke up, he wouldn't have been, but he was.

"Yeah, you have to admit we were good together, MJ."

"You have got to be kidding me. Really Sam?" Anger began to intermingle with hurt and confusion.

"I'm not joking. I want you back."

"Sam, you should go. I'm not even discussing this with you."

"Maybe you should. Mercedes look at us we used to talk and now you won't even let me into your home. This is stupid."

"No it is not. You are ridiculous, Sam, how dare you come here with that load of bull about talking. You and I both know we weren't doing that much after you kind of wanted me back after you broke up with me. Not this time, Samuel, I-we are not getting back together."

"Come on, you can't be serious."

"I can and I am, deadly so. Leave."

"Mercedes, you can't – please, I need you back. I miss you."

"We're not getting back together."

"Why not?"

"Sam, I've gone over this before, and I'm not going over this again. Just know we are over. We are going to stay over. You can go."

"Bambi," Why did he have to say that? "I can't go on without you. I need you in my life, okay. You're my girl, and I miss you. Do you even miss me? You gotta miss me. We love each other; you don't just get over that. I don't want to get over loving you. Mercedes?"

Of course, I missed him. I love him, but none of that could change the fact that I needed him out of my life, at least until I could get over him. "You don't have a choice." My voice came out mottled with the tears forming in my eyes. Through the haze, I could see his heart breaking, but I could also see his determination. He wasn't going to be giving in anytime soon (typical Sam).

"Yes I do. I don't have to give up on the best thing that's ever happened to me. I will never give up on us, Mercedes." His words broke my heart, even had me contemplating his proposition; however, when his hand ghosted over my cheek, reflexively, I jerked away. No matter the words, his actions had spoken loudly. His love was not what I needed.

Just as I separated myself from the feel of Sam's touch swiping at the tears I hadn't noticed were falling, I saw Puck bounding up the walkway towards Sam.

"Hey! Get your hands off of her!"

"Puck?" Sam spun around to face the bull raging toward him. Before I knew it, Puck was a foot away from Sam.

"I think you should leave before I make you."

"I'm not going anywhere, Puck." Sam said standing taller in protest to the scowling Puck. "What are you even doing here? You and Mercedes aren't even friends."

"Shows how much you know about the girl you claim to love. Now leave." Puck stepped closer to Sam closing all the open space between them.

"I don't-"

"If you open your mouth to say anything other than okay, I'm going to punch you in it."

Sam didn't speak, but I could see the anger simmering. This was not going to end peacefully.

They stood toe-to-toe glaring at each other. Each had testosterone rolling off of them in waves. I saw it before it happened. The look in Sam's eyes, he wasn't backing down. Just as he was about to open his stupid lips, I grabbed Puck's arm pulling him toward my door. "Please, Sam, just go. Please." I did not want to see him get his butt kicked by Puck. You're right, I did. I so did, but it wouldn't make things better. Also, I didn't want them fighting on my porch. That wouldn't be a good look for the only black people in our neighborhood.

Sam finally broke eye contact with Puck and looked at me confused. I didn't say anything. He didn't need to know about Puck and me. It was inconsequential at this point; though, Puck apparently felt differently.

"She used to be my girlfriend, and before you came along, my friend. Now, she's my best friend. That clear things up for you." The smirk planted on Puck's face was seriously taunting Sam. The boy was enjoying this too much. Before loose lips could say anything else that would cause Sam to hit him, I pulled Puck inside closing the door to a stunned Sam.

"Thanks but that was unnecessary." We stood in the doorway as I regarded the hothead beside me with mild disappointment.

"Whatever. He made you cry-"

"I was not crying." Why did he have to see that?

"I saw you wipe your eyes. Mercedes, he made you cry. So, I thought I should make him cry." I smiled at Puck shaking my head. I pushed him gently causing him to pivot backward slightly. Wuss.

"Overreact much?" I turned from him and walked to the couch plopping down right in the center.

A few seconds later, Puck followed suit. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I hadn't expected Sam to come around so soon. I figured he'd wait a while before pulling something like this. Guess I was wrong. I scooted over to Puck and laid my head on his shoulder. We sat in silence for some time before he spoke.

"How you feeling?"

"Like my heart just got run over by a Mack truck."

"Hurt that much seeing him, huh?"

"Yeah." Puck slid his arm around my waist, causing my head to shift to his chest.

"I'm not trying to be mean, but why?" I looked up at him puzzled. "Why does being around him, I don't know, make you so sad? Why does he still get to you so much? I guess that's what I mean."

I took a deep breath and released it in a quick huff. "It wasn't seeing him. That actually kind of made me angry, but the things he said…"

"What did he say?" There was unmistakable anger in his voice. I can only imagine what he thought Sam said.

"That I was the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he'd never give up on me."

"And that made you cry?" Such a guy. He was confused for no obvious reason.

"I…I was crying because I love him. And against everything I know cognitively, I also know that he loves me. Even if he doesn't let me go, I can't be with him." Puck furrowed his brows pensively before nodding his head.

"I think I get it now. You still love him, but you can't have him."

"In a nutshell. Seeing him and hearing him say all those things just…I wanted to run into his arms and stay there forever."

"You don't need that douche's weak arms when you got these guns," he tightened his grip around my waist for emphasis, "you can stay here forever and whenever you need them all you got to do is call." I never thought this brute could be perfect in sensitive situations, and he wasn't finished surprising me. "I know you're kind of wrapped up in your Sam drama right now, but have you heard anything more about your grandma since this morning?"

"No. Dad hasn't called."

"Do you know what happened? The last time you told me about your grandma you said she was getting better and your mom was getting ready to come home."

I had to choke back the tears. Granny's health was too much to bear on top of my teenage drama. "She had a stroke. I think she also had a few grand mal seizures. I think the stress of recovery is too much."

"From the heart surgery she had a few months back?"

"Yeah, but I don't know. I just hope she makes it through this. When Mom called this morning she had just been rushed to the hospital."

I finally let the tears that had been building in my eyes fall down my cheek. I didn't make a sound; I just cried. I'm so grateful Puck didn't say anything else, but I was also thankful for his shoulder to cry on. Being in his arms at that moment letting out some of the pain I had been carrying over my granny's health was exactly what I needed. Especially since my dad wasn't there for me this time. Once the tears dried, I looked up at Puck.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. My granny…she'll pull through this."

"If she's as strong as you are, your granny will pull through this."

"Thanks, Puck." And because he was being so nice and made me feel better about the crap that was hanging over my head, I gave him a half hug with my head still resting on his chest, over his heart. He returned the gesture surrounding me with both his arms. I can't explain how secure and safe I felt in that instant snuggled in Puck's arms. He is truly a great friend. I don't think I truly realized how much so until that very moment.

When I pulled away from Puck, he was looking at me pretty intensely. I couldn't. I didn't focus on that. I was over intense or sad. I'd had enough of that just from the morning alone to last me a lifetime. "So, I have movies, popcorn, money for pizza, and Kurt should be here in a little bit; you ready to get this movie day started?"

"Yeah, what movies you got and you better not say nothing starting with Twilight and ending with any of those stupid titles describing a time of day."

"I wouldn't do that to you. Not my style anyway, but I can't speak for Kurt. I don't know what he's bringing over."

As if on cue, Kurt burst through the door with a stack of movies. "Hey you guys, I brought Twilight."

Puck leaned over to whisper into my ear. "Why did you have to invite Kurt anyway?"

I poked him in the side, "I called him before you and why not?"

Puck just rolled his eyes. "We're not watching those, Hummel."

"I'll leave that up the beautiful host. I certainly don't expect you to appreciate anything as romantic as Twilight."

Puck looked over pleading for me to shut Kurt down. Normally I wouldn't care much about anything Kurt wanted to watch. I just always let him choose, but as he made his way over to the entertainment center to start the first of those horrid films, I spoke up halting his movements. "On any other day I wouldn't mind but not today. I don't think I could stomach the smothering creepy obsession they try to pass as love. I'd rather watch some Anchorman or how about Face/Off."

"So no Twilight?" I was sure Puck was wearing a cheesy grin, and when I looked over I discovered I was right. I hit him in the arm. He didn't have to rub it in Kurt's face. It wasn't like I was doing it for him.

"No, Kurt. Just action/adventure or comedies. Maybe some horror but no rom/coms or sickly sweet love stories."

Kurt spun around clearly flummoxed. I'd never turned down any movie with romance, even those I really hated. I'm just that kind of girl. Romantic soul and all. But what I had forgotten was I had just finished crying and my eyes were red and puffy. Kurt rushed over to the couch almost sitting on my lap when he threw himself beside me.

"Mercedes, what's the matter?"

I didn't say anything. Not at first. I debated over telling him now or later because there wasn't a question of whether or not I was telling Kurt everything. I just didn't know if I wanted to rehash all those emotions so soon following.

I will never block him out of my life ever again. I need him. I'll always need him.

Kurt looked past me to the oaf sitting on the other side of me. "Do you know what happened?"

"Yeah, but it's up to her if she wants to tell you."

"So tell me." Kurt said looking at me.

"Okay."

So, I told him. Everything. All of it. Everything Sam said. I even told him about the almost fight between he and Puck. I didn't have to tell him about my granny. He already knew about that.

"Wow. Of course he wants you back, Mercedes you're the best catch, sweetie. Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath, "Yeah. I don't know. It's like he was saying all the right things, but how can I believe him?"

"You shouldn't."

"I don't, Puck, but it doesn't hurt any less or make me wish he was here any less."

Puck pulled away from me sliding to the end of the couch. Though, Kurt seemed not to notice, Puck and I were still sitting side by side with his arm still draped over my hip when he joined us on the couch.

"I know." Puck said not even looking at me. The distance between he and I was jarring. For some reason, it bothered me that he'd chosen to move away from me.

"That had to throw a greasy, bacon, loaded cheeseburger in your 'get over Sam' diet."

"A little but I'm fine. I had Puck's guns for protection." I smiled to myself thinking back on what he'd said earlier.

Kurt surveyed me then shook his head and sat back. "Okay, since there's no way we're watching anything I want to after that, what are we going to watch?"

I thought about it for a minute then went to pick out a movie. On my way over, I glanced in Puck's direction. He'd been quiet for a bit, and when I saw him he was looking at me but quickly averted his eyes. I brushed it off; I didn't want to waste brain power trying to figure out what was going on with him because I knew I would come up empty.

I opened the case, popped the movie in the Blue-ray player, and returned to my previous spot in the center of the couch. Puck was silently slouched leaning on the arm of the sofa, while Kurt was sitting a few inches away from me the picture of perfect posture with his legs crossed.

"What did you pick?"

"21 Jump Street. The perfect movie for all of us. Comedy and action, not to mention Mr. Channing Tatum in all his fineness."

I expected a reaction from Puck for my blatant ogling of Channing, but he didn't make a peep. Kurt was still with me though.

"I guess if I can't have Twilight and Edward, then he's a good substitute. Did you ever see Magic Mike?"

"No. Sam and I-no. Didn't get a chance, but you and me next weekend, I'll rent it?"

"I've seen it, but I will not complain about seeing Tatum's perky butt again. It's a date." He paused as the movie menu popped up, "Are you sure you're okay, 'Cedes?"

I looked him in his eyes, "I am perfectly fine, right now I have you and Puck. That's enough for me." He smiled and gave my hand a squeeze. The movie began and I leaned into Kurt's side resting my head atop his shoulder.

In the middle of the movie I had to pause it to get popcorn for Kurt and order the pizza. Puck didn't say anything (party pooper), but I knew he was hungry. His stomach spoke up for the spontaneous mute.

By the time the second movie started, the pizza had arrived and was halfway eaten along with the bowl of popcorn. Everyone was finished with their food, so I took the dishes to the kitchen. Feeling sluggish when I returned to the family room, I joined the boys, but instead of sitting, I laid my head in Kurt's lap putting my feet in Puck's.

As soon as my head hit Kurt's legs his hand went to my hair running it through his fingers. I had no intention of moving for a very long time. But things are never that simple when Puck is involved. The silent, presumably brooding, teenager pushed my feet from his lap. "Feet, Merce."

"Yeah, so?"

"Feet. Kurt gets your head, and I get your feet." Kurt stopped his fiddling, but I pat his hand telling him to keep going.

"What's wrong with that?"

Puck sputtered, "Uh-well-uh…before Kurt got here I was good enough for your head and now I get your crusty feet."

"I don't have crusty feet, punk, and besides I always lay my head in Kurt's lap. He plays with my hair." Puck just looked at me as if I'd spoken Russian or something. The things I do. "Kurt, do you mind if I change position?" I said rolling my eyes at Puck.

"No," he said slowly.

"Okay," I sat up and flipped my position laying my head on Puck's leg, "you happy now, you big baby. Just so you know, you saw that little thing Kurt was doing with my hair? That's your job now, so, get to it." Then I mumbled under my breath, "Don't know why you even care considering you haven't spoken but two words to me since Kurt got here." Why did he have to be so difficult? Everything was just fine between us before Kurt showed.

"No problem. I am much happier thank you."

"Whatever, just get to it." I grabbed a pillow placing it on his lap, and then placed my head on the pillow. I didn't expect Puck to comply. He's just not that accommodating, but soon I felt his fingers in my hair. For a few seconds he just played with my tresses then he did something I definitely wasn't expecting. Puck sunk his hands into my hair and began to massage my scalp. Thank goodness I had recently washed my hair because if not his fingers would have met with a greasy mess. It was unbelievable how gentle his touch was. He worked his way from the base of my neck to the front making a pit stop at my temple rubbing soft circles causing my eyes to flutter shut. He kneaded there for a few minutes until he glided his fingers back towards my hairline repeating the spherical pattern.

I don't know if it was a purr, moan, or a very throaty hum, but it escaped me and his fingers stopped. My eyes popped open hating the lack of motion not happening on my skull.

"Hey, don't stop. That…felt really good, Puck." I expected, well I should know by now not to expect anything from Puck, but I did and he did not match my expectations. Instead of picking up where he left off, he pushed my head from his lap.

"Uh, I got to go to the bathroom." He raced to the bathroom like a pregnant lady in her third trimester. I sat up on the couch.

"What's his problem?"

"Maybe it was that two liter bottle of root beer he drank."

"Yeah, I forgot about that." I slumped back on the sofa and waited for Puck to return so he could commence with the utterly calming and satisfying scalp massage.

After like two minutes (mind out of the gutter), he came back. "Hey you, you ready to pick up where you left off?"

"Uh no. Let Hummel finish; I'm not your slave." I rolled my eyes. What crawled up his butt?

"Whatever. You're the one who wanted to switch spots with Kurt."

"Not anymore."

"Fine." He was rubbing me the wrong way (not literally, literally he rubbed me the right way). I got up from the couch and moved to my dad's club chair sitting with my legs folded under me. For the next couple of hours, Puck sat in silence watching the movies while Kurt and I gabbed about scenes, wardrobe, and the actors.

After the umpteenth movie, I looked at the clock and noticed it was beyond late. "Well, I had no idea it was this late."

"What time is it?" Kurt said.

"Two thirty."

"Oh my, I have to go. Dad, Finn, and I have this male bonding trip or something tomorrow. He's trying to find something to bond the three of us. I've got to get going. I have to be up in like five hours."

"Aww, Kurt, you can't go."

"I'm sorry, 'Cedes, I can't bail. The last time dad planned this I blew him off. I can't do it a second time."

"I understand. I just wish you could stay with me."

"Me too. Next time?"

"You know it."

Kurt collected his things making his way to the door with Puck following silently.

"Where are you going?"

"Home."

"Oh no you don't. I don't care if you haven't talked to me for most of the night you are staying."

It was basically a done deal; I don't know why he thought he needed to stand in the doorway gawking at me.

"'Cedes, if you-"

"Good night, sweetie, I don't want to come between you and your father-son-stepbrother bonding time. Puck's staying. Right, Puck?" He ran his hand through his Mohawk roughly.

"Yeah, Hummel, go on. I'm staying."

As Kurt exited the door, Puck closed it behind him taking out his phone. He looked down and saw my questioning eyes. "I've got to ask my mom if it's okay if I stay."

"Okay."

I had a piece of mind to go to the kitchen to allow him some privacy where I could eavesdrop in secret, but my bladder had other plans.

When I returned he was sitting on the couch.

"So, what'd she say?"

"At first she said no. She went into this tirade about 'what kind of fool did I think she was.' Then I told her about your grandma and that Kurt and I were here to keep you company because of that and that when it came time for us to leave you didn't want us to. After that she agreed."

I sunk into the sofa beside him. "So basically you led her to believe Kurt is still here." Puck turned his face to me with a smile stretching across his lips (he should do that more often).

He shrugged his shoulders, "It's what I do, but honestly, you know my mom, she would have never okay'd me staying here alone with you without Kurt being here. Even though you have the situation with your grandma."

No one else may have known we were together, but Ms. Puckerman knew. I agreed. He was so right. His mom is way more strict than either of my parents. My dad tries, but I'm his little princess, bat a lash and he's putty in my hands. Puck's mom tries to keep a tight leash on her son, but you can keep Puck tied down only so much. "Yeah, I know."

A yawn escaped me; it had been a long day, from the early morning emergency call to Sam's impromptu visit.

"You sleepy?"

"If the massive yawn that just came from me wasn't an indicator, let me say, yes."

"Me too. I didn't sleep in this morning like I planned-"

"I didn't force you to come so early. That was your own doing."

"Whatever, Merce, since I'm not as acquainted with your house as some-" I narrowed my eyes and shook my head (he couldn't be serious). "Too soon?"

"What do you think?"

"Right, so, this is a big house, there has to be a guestroom around here somewhere, so, show me where it is."

"Nope. You are sleeping with me." I didn't have to guess what went through Puck's dirty little mind. Even if he hadn't stiffened and turned his eyes from mine, I would have known he would take me literally.

"Mind out of the gutter; Puckerman, I mean on the blow up mattress in my room."

"I knew that." He turned to look at me trying to feign innocence.

"Sure, you did." I said getting up from the couch. "Come on, we keep the mattress in the guestroom closet." I grabbed his hand helping him up from the sofa to follow me to the room down the hall.

When we got to my room, Puck put the mattress beside my bed and started blowing it up. While he did that, I got the linens from the hallway closet. He had finished inflating the bed when I returned; so, I tossed them to him to make his bed. For five minutes, I watched him not make the bed. I couldn't believe he had no idea what he was doing. "Give me those sheets. How do you not know how to make a bed?"

Puck tossed me the covers and stood watching me make his bed. "I don't make my bed."

"You never make your bed?" He had to be lying.

"Nope. I don't. My mom does it."

"Bad boy Puck needs his mommy to make his bed." I tried my best at a Betty Bop-esque voice. All I got for my effort was a lifted brow from my bedfellow.

"Not really, I could care less. She just does 'cause she changes my sheets. If it was up to me, they would probably never get changed."

"That's gross, Noah."

"I'm not complaining. You done yet? That's exactly why I don't bother. It takes too long."

"Yeah, I'm done; stop your whining you big baby." I walked around the makeshift bed to pinch his cheek. He didn't see it coming.

"Ouch."

"Next time I do something nice for you, you say thank you instead of complaining. Got it?"

"Crystal."

Puck kicked off his shoes and pulled back the covers. Before he got in, I stopped him. "Hey, my dad has gym shorts; you want me to get you a pair. I'm sure he has a pair he hasn't worn yet. It's not like he even goes to the gym."

"Yeah, if you can find a pair."

I ran to my parent's room and found a pair of brand new gym shorts.

"Here, even though you aren't as acquainted with my house as some other people, I'm sure you still remember where my bathroom is, right?"

"So you can make jokes, but I can't?" He bumped my hip with his as he passed me headed toward the bathroom connected to my room.

"It's my life. I reserve all rights."

He shook his head smiling and entered the bathroom.

As soon as he closed the door, I quickly changed into my cami and pajama shorts and hopped into bed. Before the covers were pulled up, Puck was walking through the door dressed in only the shorts. Just the shorts that sat low on his waist. His defined abdomen and muscled chest bare. I can admit I ogled for a second (and maybe he was too my covers still weren't up). It'd been a while since I'd been around a half naked guy. Sue me.

He noticed.

"You like what you see." He wiggled his eyebrows at me suggestively before climbing into bed.

"Maybe." I'm such a lame. He chuckled softly as he closed his eyes. I settled into bed lying on my side facing my roommate. We didn't say anything else. He actually hadn't spoken with me much since Kurt showed and only seemed to lighten up a little after he'd left. He'd been like that for a while. Hot and cold. More open and less grumpy, old man when it was just me and him, however, enter Kurt into the equation and he'd get whiny and irritable. I don't know. I don't have time to commit to figuring him out when I need to focus all my energy on myself. I can't even say if he's still doing that now, not that it matters. I've become immune to Puck's mood swings.

I lay in bed gazing at the enigma stretched out on the mattress with his eyes closed. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular or at all, but that didn't stop me from missing his lips move or the words that slipped past them.

"Merce!"

"Huh?"

"Did you hear me?"

"No…I-"

"Was just zoned out thinking about Sam?"

"Nope."

"You don't have to lie to me."

"I'm not." A part of me wanted to get mad at Puck for not believing me, but what was the point. It wasn't like I hadn't lied to him before, even if I wasn't now.

"Not even a little?"

"Not even a little."

"Molesting me in your mind?"

I laughed. A full out snorting embarrass myself laugh. It was the first time since breaking up with Sam. "You're hot Puck; I'll give you that nugget but no. For once, I wasn't thinking of anything. Nothing."

I rolled over onto my back mirroring Puck's position. With my eyes closed, I felt myself drifting to slumber. Before the sandman could claim me as his victim, I heard Puck's voice and opened my eyes.

"You sleep?"

"Almost, what's up?"

"I…" He fell silent.

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to say that Sam doesn't deserve you. He never did."

"Thanks."

"It's true."

I closed my eyes and smiled.

"I'm glad you stayed."

"Me too," he said softly.

"Good night, Noah."

"Good night, Mercedes."


	22. Chapter 21

Good news! My granny is going to be okay. Mom told me it would be slow going, but she's going to be okay. Granny has been placed in a rehabilitation center, and my aunt who lives in Chicago flew in to relieve my mom for a while. Mom came home a few weeks ago. She was still worried about granny, but she was optimistic.

Since she's been home we've spent some time together. I love mom, but she's such a pestering lady and she's always asking me about boys and Puck. God, I wish I never brought him around. She knew about us when we were together (well not the secret part), and now that he's been coming back around she keeps trying to get us together or something. The loser has charmed her socks off and has her thinking he's this super great guy (which he kind of is), and seeing as how she hasn't seen me with a guy since Puck, she thinks I should try dating. I don't know. Don't ask me.

Aside from crazy mom stuff, I've been great. Check that out. Do you see me? I call that growth. Well, I've grown a little bit. I haven't snuck into any closets with Sam or with any other punks for that matter. So, I guess it goes without saying that…I'm doing pretty good.

It's been six weeks in total since I kicked Sam to the curb and three of those lovely weeks since he decided to show his punchable face at my house demanding we get back together, at which point I let Samuel Evans go for real. Like for real, for real.

Surprisingly, it's been easier than I thought it would be (that could be due to my Kurt and Puck), especially after seeing him and hearing all the things he had to say. Thankfully, I had Puck reminding me that I was better (not that I needed him to), better than Sam and better than the words I couldn't bring myself to believe in the first place.

That's not say Sam didn't try to make things harder on me, his impression of winning me over. After his showdown with Puck and me pushing him out of my life, he's kind of given me space. Sam's version of space, but space nonetheless. There weren't any random visits or calls. Sam even stopped putting letters in my locker, but that didn't stop him from trying. For the past three weeks he's been singing to me in glee when Mr. Schu gives him the opportunity. He doesn't say who he's singing to (he's not stupid, Puck would kill him), but I know. Eye contact and his choice of song are all the hint I need. It's obvious to me and only me – of course because no one knew about us – except for maybe Kurt and Puck.

Definitely Puck. I haven't missed the death glares directed at Sam. I haven't called him on it, yet, I'm not blind to the wack looks he's been throwing my way. For my sake, he hasn't beat Sam into oblivion. I've practically had to beg, barter, and bully him into keeping his hands to himself. Long before their confrontation on my porch, Puck hated Sam. He probably hates me for secretly smiling when Sam crooned me, though all Sam got was the stink eye. After yesterday, I'm sure Puck hates me and wants to bite my head off and God knows there will be nothing I can do to keep him from killing Sam.

I know it sounds ominous, but I didn't do anything stupid, at least nothing colossally stupid. No, I'd venture to say I did well because I am well. This has been a long road and I'm making my way down it much more smoothly now.

I'm not completely over Sam. In three weeks, not likely. There's like this one percent of me that goes aflutter when I see him and hear his melodic voice singing to me. Mentally, I'm in a good place, though, if you ask me. I much rather the slight flutter to the unbearable nausea and tears that use to accompany his presence. The fact that I haven't felt like puking, dying, or crying at the site of my ex for a while is progress. If I'm honest with myself, I didn't imagine that it could ever happen. I gave Sam more of me than I knew existed, but I have gotten over him, and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

That is why for my six week anti-versary (yeah, I made it up), Kurt and I went to the Lima Bean to celebrate with a cup of gourmet joe and some pastries. Meh, small victory, small reward. Don't judge me. Puck was invited but declined; he's such a loser sometimes. He swears I'm not over Sam yet (whatever). I'm not crying on his shoulder every other day, so yeah, I think there was something to celebrate. I don't even think he would have come with Kurt and me without a fuss either way. He tends toward the whiny when Kurt's around or mute and moody; so, I wasn't complaining.

Kurt and I had been enjoying our purchases and chatting like us girls do, when he walked into the Bean. When I laid my eyes on him there was no sick feeling in my stomach or that intense ache in my chest like I'd been staked through the heart with a spoon (dull, blunt object, very painful). I felt just fine, normal even, so much so I didn't think much of him being in the same room as me. But you know Sam, he has a habit of showing up where he's not wanted, unannounced. That would include the Bean anti-versary, not that I think he was stalking me or anything, really, I think it was just coincidence. However, like the awesome person that Sam is he couldn't just ignore me and Kurt or pretend he didn't see us like any other normal ex would. No, he had to come over and say hi.

If only that was all he said.


	23. Chapter 22

"Why should I celebrate something that hasn't actually taken place? You haven't gotten over Sam." Ugh, why did Puck have to be so difficult? Couldn't he just give in, just once?

"Who says I'm not over Sam?"

"I do."

"Whatever, nobody asked you. I'm not moping around depressed, am I?" No I wasn't.

"No." Exactly.

"I'm not crawling to you crying my eyes out and snotting up your shirts am I?"

"No."

"Then there's something to celebrate." I huffed, reclining on the backboard of my bed.

"If you and Kurt want to, go ahead, but I won't."

"Whatever, Puck, talk to you later, yeah?"

"Yeah, bye Merce."

"Bye, Noah." I said smiling.

"Really Merce, Noah?" Puck deadpanned.

"If you can hack my name into bits, I can certainly call you by you're given name."

"Whatever, _Merce._ " I could hear the exasperation in his voice. No doubt his hazels rolled.

"Bye, Noah."

He chuckled before he spoke again. "Later, Jones." When I put the phone down, I donned a smile. That boy was really…there are no words.

Kurt was meeting me at the Bean, and I was running late. So, I grabbed my bag, pocketed my phone, and bounded down the stairs. I really shouldn't have been late, but talking to Puck, I lost track of time. Kurt was always on time, and very judgmental of my fashionable tardiness. I know he secretly wished it were he making all the grand entrances, though I wouldn't call any of my entrances grand.

I made it to the coffee shop about ten minutes late and found Kurt at a table by a window not too far from the entrance.

"Hey, Cedes."

"Hey, Kurt. Sorry I'm late. I called Puck to see if he wanted to come, but he didn't think I had anything to celebrate."

"I'm sure. Is he the reason you're late?"

"Yep, you know typical Puck. I'm going to get me a cup of coffee."

After getting my cup of caramel macchiato with extra whipped cream, I joined Kurt ready to start this anti-versary.

"So, it's been six weeks since your hit it and quit it breakup, and you haven't relapsed or called me crying about how much you miss the boy wonder. How do you feel? I know I'm happy for you." Kurt squealed smiling like a Cheshire cat.

"I feel great. I'm feeling like I'm over Sam. I've been over Sam now for some time, but right now, today with you, solidifies it." I took a sip of my very delicious coffee (caramel macchiato the best).

"I'm so glad for you. And if you say you're over Sam, I believe you. Puck and I were talking and we were worried-"

"Puck still is."

"Yeah, he won't believe it until he sees it. Whatever that means. What does he want from you? A ceremony where you burn a dummy Sam in effigy and denounce his existence."

"I don't know. He's just so touchy when it comes to Sam."

Kurt looked at me suspiciously with a glint in his eye. "I wonder why that is?" His left eyebrow lifted. Weird.

"Who knows? Maybe Puck just wants a reason to beat him up. He never really liked him from the beginning. Something about him leeching all his popularity or something like that."

"Hmm…that _could_ be it. Who knows, right?" Kurt said rolling his eyes upward and to the right, then focusing them back on me. For a moment, I felt like he knew something I didn't know but shrugged the thought away because Kurt would never hide anything from me.

"Either way it's his issue not mine. I'm beyond being upset or hurt over anything Sam ever again. I had no idea how much I was wrapped up in him until I finally decided to let him go."

"Really, you mean to tell me you didn't realize you had become all about Sam, when you had abandoned me?"

I looked at my best friend apologetically. "Not really, I was spending ignorant amounts of time with him."

Kurt opened his mouth to say something, I know, I didn't want to hear. So, I beat him to the punch. "We were at my house a lot or this little lake right outside town. We didn't only have sex, in the beginning." I finished lamely.

"I know, Cedes. You're not that kind of girl."

"Thanks, Kurt. I just hate talking about our relationship or lack thereof sometimes because I feel like you guys, especially Puck, think I was some kind of sex bunny or something more negative and that our relationship was only about sex. It wasn't, you know. When we first got together, yeah, we made out a lot, but we also just talked. I just wish things had been different between us. That we had gotten together under the right circumstances because deep down I think Sam is a great person."

Kurt didn't say anything. However, the look he gave me seemed to say everything he did not. He wasn't questioning my resolve. He knew I was over Sam. What I saw in his eyes was sympathy, not pity for once (there's a difference).

"You still love him don't you?"

"Not like that, but yeah. I think I'll always love him. He was my first."

"I understand. If something happened between Blaine and me, I think I would always love him no matter what."

"Thanks, Kurt, but I shouldn't feel anything for him after all I've been through with him."

"That's Puck talking. Feelings don't just evaporate; sometimes they never go away they just get smaller."

I felt tears coating my eyes and for once, they were happy tears. My person finally understood. I've felt alone for so long. So, instead of holding them back I let them fall. "Kurt, you're the best."

"I know, but thanks anyway," he replied in a voice thick with emotion.

I pointed to Kurt's teary eyes and started laughing. "We're such babies."

We both broke out into laughter; however, my laughter was cut short when I saw Sam walk into the Bean. At my abrupt change in mood, Kurt followed my gaze to land his eyes on my ex.

"Are you okay?"

I snapped out of my daze turning to look at Kurt before Sam looked my way. "Yeah, yeah – I'm fine. Just caught off guard is all." A weird look passed over Kurt's face. "Not – I'm not – I didn't feel anything when I saw him. Caught off guard because seeing him was okay. I'm okay." I said with realization.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Hey, I'm going to get a cookie. Want one?"

"No…a muffin?" Kurt put on his most innocent voice and puppy dog eyes, which he didn't have to; all he had to do was ask.

"No problem."

On my way to the counter, I caught a glimpse of Sam coming from the men's room; I didn't think he saw me though. I paid the barista and went back to join Kurt. Before I made it back to the table, I had eaten the entire cookie.

"Here."

"Thanks, Cedes. Uh, don't look now, but we're about to have company in 3, 2, 1…"

"Hey, Mercedes."

I turned around in my chair to see Sam standing right in front me with his hands in his pockets and his soft green eyes beamed in on mine. "Hey, Sam." I spun back around toward Kurt, but Kurt kept his baby blues on the intruder behind me, those eyes were murderous. Clearly not over Sam's impromptu intrusion, Kurt cleared his throat to get his attention.

"Uh, Hey Kurt." I heard Sam mumble obviously annoyed with my best friend (served him right).

"Sam." Kurt clipped out (the diva) then rolled his eyes to look at me. It was all but a blatant dismissal for Sam, but being the bright bulb he can be, Sam didn't get the hint (or didn't want to).

"Mercedes…can we talk?"

"Sure." "No!" Both Kurt and I said simultaneously.

I looked to my friend silently admonishing him. "Kurt." Who gave him permission to speak for me? "Kurt you can't make that decision for me." I whispered vehemently.

"But Mercedes-"

"Kurt, I know what you're thinking, and it's okay." I grabbed Kurt's hand squeezing it firmly. I had this. I did. And as much as I appreciated his protection, I didn't need it. I was a big girl; he and Puck had done what they needed and now they needed to let me fly.

With a worried look in his eyes tinged with anger Kurt addressed Sam. "Well, sit down, Sam."

But Sam didn't sit. Instead, he squared his shoulders and worked the tightness in his jaw before speaking to my best friend. "Kurt, I want to talk to her alone."

As if Kurt didn't know that. He called himself controlling the situation for my good. I could see the fire blaze in Kurt's eyes. How dare Sam request – demand anything of his beloved Mercedes? I giggled a little at his blatant maneuver, but considering Sam's last encounter with one of my close friends, I knew Kurt was needling him and it was working. I didn't have to see his face to know that he wanted to snatch Kurt from his seat and take it for himself.

But Kurt just couldn't leave well enough alone. "She doesn't want to-"

" _I_ can talk to you, Sam," I voiced eying Kurt, "alone."

I felt Sam's breath blow my hair as he deflated. "Okay, Mercedes, you want to go outside?"

"That's cool." I got up from my seat, but I couldn't leave, not with the look Kurt was giving me. "Go ahead; I'll be out in a sec." I sat back down.

"Okay, I'll be out on the patio."

As soon as Sam was out of earshot, Kurt lost it. "Really, 'Cedes, you're going to entertain him after all he's done to you? Really?"

"I'm – yes – if that's what you want to call it, but I see it as just talking. He can't hurt me anymore; so, I see no harm in _just_ talking."

"Mercedes, you're fresh off the turnip truck when it comes to Sam. You say you're over him – don't give me that look – and I believe you, but why go poking at the sleeping bear?"

"I'm not poking at anything. He wants to talk so I'm going to let him talk. It's not a big deal. I won't do anything I'm not supposed to do, promise."

"Whatever, Mercedes, but whatever happens, I told you so. Remember that."

"I will," was my silent response then I was out the door to join Sam at his table on the patio.

"I thought you changed your mind."

"No, just had to take care of something with Kurt."

"No doubt he told you not to come out here."

I just shrugged. I didn't agree or disagree, and he didn't say anything else. For a few minutes, I let him be; maybe he was getting his thoughts together. After too long, I decided he'd had his chance and I didn't want to waste anymore time watching him watch me. "Sam, if you've gotten your fill of _talking_ to me, I'll be on my way." I rose from my seat and walked past Sam, but when I reached his side he grabbed my arm (déjà vu but not quite).

"Mercedes wait."

His softly somber voice crept into my ear, but I snatched my arm from his grasp. "What for? Huh? So you can stare at me some more? I'd rather not."

"No – um – I was just – you look so beautiful, and it's the first time you or your goons have allowed me to be this close to you. I got caught up is all. But I did have something to talk to you about."

I stepped back, but I didn't sit down. I needed to be able to make a hasty escape if it came to it. "Then talk."

There's no need to describe my tone of voice, take it how you read it, but it incited the side of Sam that always broke me down and caused me to give in to his every whim. Sad, puppy dog green eyes, and the most adorable pout took its place on his face; however, I didn't crack. Not that time. I stood my ground. "If you're not going to talk then I'm gone."

"No, I wanted to ask you – would you go out with me?"

"No. No Sam – I'm not-"

"Not like that or whatever you're thinking. I mean on a real date. In public. Breadsticks?"

"No Sam."

"What about if-"

"No."

"Will you hear me out?"

I didn't answer. I mulled over my options: to hear, or not to hear. Either way I owed him nothing.

"Please, Mercedes just let me talk."

With my mouth sealed, I sat down, folded my arms, and lifted a brow as a gesture for him to do what he so desperately wanted to do.

"Okay." He swallowed hard and sat down rubbing his thighs possibly to rid his hands of sweat. "I miss you-"

"Sam." I warned.

"I'm sorry, but it's true. I miss you. And I'm not talking about making out in the janitor's closet or hooking up at your house."

I rolled my eyes. "That will never happen again."

"I know, but I'm not talking about any of that. We used to talk MJ. You weren't only my girl; you were my friend. I want us to be that again, friends. So will you go out with me as a friend and only as a friend?"

In my head, I could hear Kurt scolding me and see Puck's face livid and beet red with anger. I could hear him screaming my head off and threatening to kill Sam. I knew all of this could happen. I also knew that I wanted to make my own decisions. Decisions influenced by no one but me. I'm my own person and I have the right to do what I please even if I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision. How could I truly know if I had gotten over Sam (which I believed wholeheartedly) if I didn't do things my way? For a couple of minutes, I stewed over his proposition. What was the harm in being his friend? I was just telling Kurt about how much I wished things had ended differently with Sam. I guess in a way this was my chance but not for anything else. I wanted to be his friend and only his friend. There was no way I would even think about having anything more with him. He'd hurt me too much for that.

"Fine. We can go out, but only as friends. Nothing else. I'm not going there with you, Sam, so don't go there with me. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Really, Sam, I mean it."

"I get you, Mercedes."

"Okay."

I sat waiting for Sam to give me a date and time, but he just sat there staring at me. Ugh, he'd have plenty of time to do that when we hung out. Speaking of, while he continued to stare I decided I would take control of the situation. I was going out with him, but wanted to make it extra clear that this was not a date in any way. "I know you said something about Breadsticks but how about we do something less datish and more just friend stuff."

Sam's brows twitched inward then smoothed. His voice came out somewhat strained. "Um, sure, that's cool. We could go to the indoor go-cart tracks?"

I chewed on that thought as well as my bottom lip for a bit, tried to play out any possibility of things going left (romantically) and came up with nothing. "Works for me."

"So tomorrow at seven?"

"Make it three?" He looked confused. I rolled my eyes; I hate having to explain everything. "It's not a date."

His eyebrows did that frowning thing again. "Yeah, okay. Tomorrow three." He went silent again but I didn't care I'd been away from Kurt too long as it was.

"See you then, I'm going back inside. I would invite you but Kurt would probably poop a bedazzled brick."

"Yeah, tomorrow, bye."

"Bye, Sam."

I left Sam out on the patio and made my way back to Kurt who was probably fuming. Not only had I left him to talk to Sam but I had also been gone for nearly half an hour. Why can't I do right by Kurt? Why?

"I'm back." I huffed as I sat down to join my most favorite person in the world who wasn't at the table. I looked around but I didn't see him anywhere. Who could blame him for leaving? Not me. He probably thought I was reverting back to my friend ditching ways. But I'm not, I swear.

I sat at the table alone for a while hoping Kurt hadn't bailed on me I really needed to tell him what had happened between me and Sam as soon as possible. I couldn't let this linger. After ten minutes, it was obvious that he had left, but just as I was about to walk out of the Bean, Kurt came galloping up to me with a big smile plastered on his face.

"I thought you had abandoned me. Where were you and why are smiling like a drag queen in Ru Paul's closet?"

"I wouldn't ditch you Mercedes, at least not without giving notice. As for the smile…Blaine has a surprise for me tonight. Things have become very serious between us and better than ever, so, I can't imagine what he has planned but I'm super excited."

"Good for you guys. Tonight must be some kind of milestone or anniversary or something?"

"Not really. He's just a great boyfriend. Speaking of boyfriends, or exes in your case, how did it go with Sam?"

I lowered my head to evade Kurt's gaze. He was going to flip. I just knew it, but I had to tell him. Full disclosure, that's our deal. That's how we work.

"You have to promise not to say anything until I finish, promise not to yell at me, and promise you won't say a word of this to Puck." I peered at my now skeptical friend making sure he understood that these were the rules; he had no choice. Follow rules get details. He deliberated in his pretty little head until finally nodding his assent.

"I promise."

"He asked me out on a date," Kurt looked appalled and ready to speak, but sealed his lips after catching my stern eye, "but I squashed that as soon as I heard it." The satisfied smirk on Kurt's face irritated me a little, so, I said the next part with satisfaction I know I should be ashamed of. "Then he suggested we go out as friends and I accepted."

"Merce-"

"I'm not finished. You promised, Kurt," I whined.

With a huff and a roll of his eyes, Kurt closed his mouth and gestured for me to continue.

"Just as friends, Kurt, I made sure he was aware of the boundaries and he's not going to cross them. Sam is a good person. This time I made myself clear. I left no room for confusion just friends. Only friends and I think he gets that." I paused for a minute.

"Can I speak now?"

"Before you do Kurt this is not me giving in to Sam. Everything was on my terms. It was my say. I was – am in control."

"Now?"

"Yes, now you may speak, Kurt."

"I'm not going to lecture you, sweetie, what good would that do? You've already decided to go out with the sex crazed Neanderthal. I just want to know why Mercedes? That's all."

"Because I wanted to."

"Really, hun, really?"

"Yeah, I – we just talked about this, Kurt, you know I miss his friendship and just because I don't want to date him doesn't mean I don't want to be or can't be his friend."

"Okay, so I guess I get that. I get that that's what you want for whatever reason, but does he get this? Because I was there in glee when he sang to you, and it didn't seem too _friendly_ to me at all. And didn't he and Puck almost get into a fight on your front door step over him pressuring you to talk to him about being anything _but_ his friend? Mercedes do you think he really wants to _just_ be your friend?"

I rolled my eyes so hard at Kurt. This guy, ugh, couldn't he just listen to himself and not lecture me and … "I thought you only had one question, Kurt?"

"They needed to be addressed and I couldn't leave them unquestioned."

I frowned, but he's Kurt of course he's going to ask more than one question. Even one's I'm sure I already _addressed._ "Whatever, as I've said before, he gets it. I made it clear. Doesn't really matter what he wants outside of that, which I know he'll respect. He didn't argue with me on the issue; so, I'm pretty sure he's okay with it."

"Whatever you say, darling." Kurt seemed perturbed, but what could I do? I wasn't going to back out on Sam simply because Kurt disapproved of _my_ decision. I tried to break the tension between us for the duration of our time together; yet, nothing I did worked. He was peeved and he also had a hot date night with Blaine. Tiring of his agitation with me, I sent him on his way. It was a good day. I had something to celebrate; I didn't want to feel like I had lost all my ground when I hadn't.

I must be a masochist because once I got into my car I called Puck to break the news to him. I certainly didn't want him to find out from somebody other than me. The dread I felt through the three rings was unnerving. When he answered, I tried to play it as cool as I could (which wasn't that cool).

"Hey."

"Hey, Puck, what ya doin?" I said in a singsong, definitely conspicuous tone.

He answered gruffly. "Nothing why?"

"Oh, nothing. Just thought I'd call to see what you were doing." I knew I was sending off all kinds of alarms. I really had no idea how to break this to Puck without him losing his mind. I hate when he snaps. It's always so truthful.

"We both know I have nothing to do today. What do you really want?" His voice lightened this time around though I could hear traces of trepidation.

"I don't want anything. Why do you think I want anything?" Oh, the nervous quaking voice.

"Stop playing dumb, Merce, 'cause either you want something, something I would hate to do or give or something happened." Puck's weary voice faded into a brief moment of silence, then to worried aggravation. "What happened? Please tell me it doesn't have anything to do with that ex you were _celebrating_ being over."

Silence.

"Mercedes!" Exasperation, annoyance, and discontentment raged in his screech.

"It's not as bad as you think, well…maybe it is, but I'd rather you hear it from me than Kurt or anybody else."

"This doesn't involve some kind of indecent exposure, massive PDA, or you hooking up with that guy does it?"

"No! Oh God no! No. Jeez. Get your mind out of the gutter. No. Something way milder. Like much milder – well…in comparison."

"Just spill it already."

"Okay. I agreed to go out with Sam. Before you say anything, it was just as friends. I promise."

"Don't worry. I don't have nothing to say."

"Puck-"

He hung up on me.


	24. Chapter 23

Please don't kill me. Give me a chance to explain before you write me off. I have my reasons; I mentioned some already, so just hear me out because I haven't fallen off the wagon or lost my mind. I have made progress and I haven't blown it. I won't destroy this new peace and sanity I have found for anyone, especially Sam.

Okay, I can admit that at that time I probably shouldn't have agreed to do anything with Sam at all. I know that, but I had to.

Sam and I, when we'd _hooked up_ , were friends, as much as we could be. I missed that. Sam, despite his faults, is a good person. I say that because I don't think he's been intentional in his treatment of me, however, I'm not stupid (well maybe not anymore). Given what I knew, I was hesitant to even listen to anything he had to say, but he seemed genuine enough. After he found out that I wasn't going to do anything relationship related, I liked what he had to say. What he said mirrored exactly how I felt. We had fun together before everything got murky, not ignoring how jacked up everything was – I'm not – but it's true. Sam is a fun guy, and it wasn't like I was entertaining getting back together with him. I just needed him to know that, and I did; I made myself clear and he accepted it. Or so I thought, but I can't control other people. I can only control myself and that was my aim.

I agreed to spend time with him because I wanted to. I wanted – needed to be in control for once. I needed that. I'm not going to apologize for it either. I took what Sam said at face value and made a decision on my own. I didn't want Kurt or Puck making the decision for me. That's not to say that I don't value their opinions because I do. I love those boys. I just needed to prove to everyone involved that I was better than being some pathetic puppet that could be easily manipulated. Flawed logic, I know, but justifiable in its essence. Even in hindsight, it is valid but the flaws completely override that.

Neither Sam nor I should have considered being around each other for very different yet similar reasons. We were not ready to be alone in that kind of setting. I should have said no not because I couldn't resist Sam and was afraid that I would become snared in his net again. No. I should have said no because there were too many things left unsaid. Things I didn't want answers to at the time and may never get. We weren't ready. If we were ready, I wouldn't still be wondering why Sam has treated me the way he has all this time. And I still wouldn't be holding all this hurt and frustration inside instead of being completely free of it. I should have known better than to go along with anything involving Sam, but I believed him. I sincerely believed in my heart that things were different. There were hints, hints that he didn't completely accept my conditions, but I couldn't see them probably because I didn't want to (go figure). My instincts should be better than that. I'm a woman, dang it.

Unfortunately, they weren't. The only good thing I can say about that is I'm glad it wasn't because of Sam's beautiful eyes or his gorgeously tempting lips. For that, I can be happy.

It was because I thought he got it. He said he got it, but he didn't get it. He. Did. Not. Get. It.


	25. Chapter 24

"Okay, so you agreed to this charade with Sam. You can do this. I Mercedes Jones, Miss Jones if you're nasty, can be with Sam alone without losing my stuffing. I got this. Of course, I do." I giggled to myself at how foolish I looked talking to myself in the mirror.

With my little pep talk down, I double-checked my ensemble and makeup. As I finished making sure I looked as unsexy as I possibly could (not like that was easy), I received a text from Sam saying that he was pulling up. I didn't reply; the text was synonymous with a honking horn. We may not have been going on a date-date but I refused to fall into any behavior reminiscent of how I conducted myself while we were…whatever we were. After some time, I guess he caught on that I wouldn't just come running out to him because the next thing I heard was the doorbell.

When I opened the door, a sudden sense of dread filled my gut. Clearly, I'm not one to follow my women's intuition; so, I shrugged it off.

"Hi." It was hard to look him in the eye. I was scared that old feelings would just come clawing through me. Instead, I chanced glances at him as he stared right at me.

Sam didn't respond. Not one word. I really didn't have time for his crap, but I had dressed as _friendly_ as I possible for me, given myself a pep talk, and avoided calling Kurt and Puck to side step a lecture from either of them. Like I would call Puck anyway after hanging up on me, he and I both needed time to cool down, not to mention he hurt my feelings. After all that, there was no way I wasn't going to follow through and send Sam home before he opened his mouth, which literally took him three minutes.

When I was finally brave enough to look him head on, I cocked my left eyebrow in irritation and rolled my eyes as hard as I could. Surprisingly, the feelings kept quiet giving me the courage I needed.

"Oh, uh, hi, Bambs."

"Sam." The warning in my tone left nothing to the imagination.

"Sorry, Mercedes. You ready?"

"Yeah."

The ride to Lima Carts was unbearably quiet. I have no doubt that Sam didn't want to anger me so he kept his mouth shut. While I, on the other hand, had nothing to say (odd, I know). Well, I had plenty to say. We all know there was plenty I could say, but I didn't. I wasn't really sure if Sam would give me the answers I wanted or if I really wanted any answers from Sam at the time.

I could feel him stealing prolonged glances the whole 21-minute drive. My neck was twitching to look in his direction, but I kept my eyes focused on the road ahead.

We pulled into the parking lot, paid, and suited up for go-carts all without speaking one single word. I appreciated Sam's attempt at keeping the peace he'd already disrupted when he called me his old nickname for me, but there was only so much tense silence I could handle. So, I grabbed his shoulder before he entered the cart. "Sam, if we're going to do this, we can't do it like this. You can talk to me. I'm not going to bite your head off if you do. Earlier I just…you can't call me that or any of the other names you like to call me, but we can talk. We have to if we're going to have any fun." I tried to make my tone as upbeat as possible. I really didn't want to dampen the already heavy mood.

"Oh, okay." Sam turned his body toward me. His eyes were bright. "It's just…I don't want to upset you – I don't want _this_ to end before it starts so…"

"I get it. It's okay Sam, but you don't have to be on eggshells. We used to talk, so, just talk."

"Right. So, you ready to get your but smoked?"

"As if you could."

Sam flicked my chin and jumped into the cart. "Let's see about that, Jones."

I followed after him getting into my cart feeling as everything was going to be just fine.

After I don't know how many rounds, I was ahead of Sam by one. Between you and me, I think he gave me the last one because he could tell I was miffed that I wasn't winning. "That was fun."

"Of course it was fun, you were winning."

"Yeah, I kind of was, wasn't I?" I joked flipping my hair.

"Sure. You hungry? Want something to eat?"

"Yeah, I can eat. All that butt kicking really took a lot out of me."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Sam mumbled nudging my shoulder as we made our way to change out of our cart gear. Before I made it into the woman's changing room Sam grabbed my shoulder causing me to angle towards him. "Um, do you want to get something to eat from the concessions here or do you want to ditch this place and get some real food?"

Real food did sound good I didn't want any processed nacho cheese or even more processed hamburger meat (mostly soybeans, ew). I didn't, but I also wasn't entirely sure I wanted to change locations. Not with Sam. "Uh, we can go. Real food sounds good." My stomach won out.

"Cool, how about, Breadsticks?"

"No, how about the burger joint down the street?"

"I can do that." I turned to open the door, "Thanks." I faced Sam confused. When he saw my eyes, he explained. "For this. For letting me back in your life. I missed you."

I didn't know what to say so I gave him a quick smile and hurried to the changing room.

The short ride to Just Beef wasn't as quiet or awkward as the ride to Lima Carts. We talked a bit, mostly about the carts. Sam had had a great time. I had too. It caused me to wonder about if things had been different. They weren't; so, I washed my mind of the should've, could've, would've beens. We parked and I began to unbuckle my seatbelt oblivious to my surroundings because when I looked up about to open the door Sam was standing there before me with the door open with his dazzling smile blinding me.

This was a red flag situation. A big red flag, he didn't open the door for me earlier. But it takes me to brush it off, which I did.

I exited the car walking beside him, not touching. As we neared the diner, he started talking again. "I wish we would have done this earlier." He wasn't directly addressing me; so, I didn't comment one way or another. I brushed that off too. I might have thought the same thing at one point during this _thing_ we were doing. I couldn't begrudge him his opinion.

Once inside, a waitress seated us in a booth near a window. This wasn't a date so we sat on opposite sides of the table. Mind you, even if it was a date, I don't do that. It's stupid. We were given menus, and as soon as I got mine, I buried my head in the thing trying to find what I wanted. I was on the brink of starving at this point. I had skipped breakfast, too nervous to think about eating. I must have completely tuned him out because Sam tapped the table to get my attention.

"What do you want?"

"I don't know. Maybe something hot and spicy. What about you?"

"Just a regular burger, and please give me bonus points for not stating the obvious." He slid that crooked grin onto those lovely lips of his.

For a split second, my heart skipped. No warm-blooded heterosexual, who am I kidding, any woman would have reacted the same way. Outwardly, however, I just rolled my eyes as usual. "Duly noted." I replied dialing back the smile that wanted to overtake my face.

We both chuckled. I couldn't help myself. He was telling the truth. I could see the strain on his face. "Thanks, Sam, it really keeps things from being awkward between us, and for what it's worth, I missed talking to you too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. So…besides what I already know, what have you been up to?"

"Nothing. Mostly working and helping at home more, and what you already know." He offered me a weak smile and turned to look outside the window. I have no idea what came over him. We were fine then all of a sudden this cloud kind of descended over his head. It was odd. I hadn't seen him like this often. Sam wasn't a worrier or easily depressed person. He was just naturally happy, naturally optimistic. The look on his face was completely uncharacteristic and unnerving.

He looked out the window for a time before he turned around to face me again. When his eyes met mine, Sam opened his mouth to say something but just as he was about to speak the waitress came over to take our orders. I ordered the habanero, pepper jack, bacon lover burger, while Sam got the Old American. We both chose our favorite drink, ginger ale.

When she left, I waited a while for Sam to say what he was going to say before the young woman showed up at our table, but he didn't. He wasn't even looking at me. His eyes were focused out the window. I'm too nosey to let something go, so… "You were about to say something before the waitress came." It was more a statement than anything else, but the inflection of my tone rose enough that it sounded like a question.

"Uh, yeah, but it was nothing."

"Sam." This time I wasn't reprimanding him. I was whining; I didn't want to go back to how things were in the beginning. That awkward crap was for the birds. I was not up for anymore of that with someone I knew I could at least shoot the breeze with.

"Fine. Can't really resist you, Mercedes."

"No, so spill."

"I was just gonna say that…well, you've been spending a lot of time with Kurt and that other loser – why?"

"Don't know why you don't know this but Kurt and I have been more than friends since long before you and I – whatever. You should have noticed that. After, I just – I was a crappy friend for a while," no need to elaborate on that, "and as far as Puck goes, all you need to know is he was my friend and he still is even though I haven't been that great a friend to him."

He wasn't happy with my answer. He wanted to know more about Puck and me, but I wasn't ready to give anything more than what I had already told him involving us. Honestly, I didn't want to tell as much as I had.

"Oh."

Yeah, oh. If he had paid more attention to me, he would have noticed that in the beginning of our thing, those two guys were there, and I'm lucky to have them now.

"I do kind of remember you saying stuff about Kurt, and I think I saw you sit with Puck a time or two at lunch."

"Yeah." This time I averted my gaze to stare out the window. The last thing I wanted was to fall into a dawdling, tense silence, but this crap begged for that. Thankfully, the waitress showed with our delicious burgers.

The silence only lasted for a little while. As we ate, conversation once again took a turn to lighter things. Our burgers, go carting some more, our favorite TV shows. Mostly his favorite show Doctor Who, which I had no interest in, but as he was wont to do, I let him prattle on about it. Talk continued like this for the duration of our meal through dessert and to the car.

"Now, I'm waiting for the next season, and the new doctor. I just found out the twelfth doctor is gonna be a Peter Capal-something. Don't know him, but hey, it's Doctor Who." He turned to me with the brightest smile and this gleam in his eye that I hadn't seen in ages. I'm pretty sure I had a fairly similar smile on my face.

"I can't wait for the new season of Supernatural. No heaven, all the angels on earth. Can't wait to see how that goes."

"Oh, MJ, me either," (I can't fight them all) "and it looked like Crowley may have become more human."

"I know. The part where he started crying and talking about needing love – I cracked up."

"Me too."

We were turning onto my street when he glanced in my direction. Just one look and we both burst into laughter. This time with Sam made me feel a sense of nostalgia. I was having a really great time.

When out of the blue…

"You're beautiful."

"Thank you, but Sam…" I did not want to let this get out of hand. Not now. Not when everything was going so well. But he wasn't listening to me.

"Mercedes, come on it's true. You know it; I know it. What's wrong with a _friend_ pointing that out?"

He did have a point. "Alright, I'm sorry. I kind of am, huh?" I said trying to keep the mood from going weird. Just for fun, I flipped my hair off my shoulder and flashed him a little smile.

Sam poked me in my cheek with his index finger. "Yes, you are."

I heard the dreamy tone of his voice, but I let it go. We were nearing my house and the ride would be over soon. Looking out the window, I could see my house getting closer.

"Mercedes?"

"Huh?" I turned to look at him as he put the car in park in my driveway.

"Do you think we can do this again? "

"I don't know why not. I had a fun time. I kicked your butt in go-carts and had great burgers."

"That's great because I really missed this – us – like this."

"Me too. I'm glad we did this. I'm glad we can be friends." I smiled at Sam, but not suggestively or in any way that could be misconstrued as such. I'm completely sure it was only friendly, but the next thing I knew, Sam's lips were on mine and they were softer than I remembered but I **DIDN'T** respond. I couldn't, too many alarms were going off and it hurt. To be that close to him. It wasn't – I didn't feel the same things I felt all those many months ago when we broke up.

In complete disarray, I felt his hand come up to cup my cheek and at that moment, I was jerked from my mental freak-out. Coming to, I pushed him away and dashed from the car.

"Mercedes! Hey, wait up! Mercedes!"

As I reached the door to my house, Sam grabbed my arm, but I snatched it from his grip giving him as much of a glare as I could muster through the other emotions warring within me.

"Mercedes!"

I didn't say anything to him. I couldn't. I just continued to the door leaving him on the bottom step of the porch.

The last thing I heard before I slammed the door behind me was Sam yelling, "What did I do wrong?" Idiot.

I barreled up to my room past my father ignoring his concern locking my door behind me. I threw myself onto my bed, head pounding, and tears flowing from my eyes.

I really needed my person.


	26. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

I couldn't believe she agreed to go on a date with me. Well, it wasn't a date – she put a nail in that idea as soon as it left my mouth. She was still willing to go out with me, though. I hadn't expected her to want to be around me at all. It was clear to me that she wasn't really receptive to the songs I sang to her in glee. After the last time we'd talked, I just knew she wouldn't even hear me out, but I had to try. I love Mercedes and I would hate myself if I didn't try to at least get her to be in my life at all.

She would never know how happy she made me by not turning me down. I was a little disappointed that she wasn't willing to go on a real date with me. That is what she wanted, right? For me to be more like a real boyfriend, at least that's what I think she broke up with me for. But I would've taken what I could get, and I had to go and ruin that. I mean, I figured if I got the chance then maybe she would come around. She loved me; I knew she still did. I don't know about that now, but then… then I thought that if I could show her how good we could be – how good we were together, she wouldn't be able to deny it, and we'd get back together.

I was so amped to get to see her alone finally and without the irritation of her bodyguards popping up. When I saw her at the door casually dressed with just a little makeup on, I stopped breathing a little.

I miss her so much.

She was so beautiful. She is so beautiful, though I haven't seen her up close since that day. She's been avoiding me in every way. Before she just didn't talk to me or stuff like that, but she still looked at me. I still saw the angry glares, and sometimes something different. Now…now she doesn't look at me at all.

I could lose myself in her bright brown eyes, and I did that day at her door. I can't help it. Mercedes has that kind of power over me. I think I made her mad or maybe scared her, though, because she flipped a little. She did get over it after a bit, for which I was glad. Mercedes is like that, easy going. She doesn't sweat the little stuff.

I wasn't trying to overstep on purpose, which understanding as she is, Mercedes knew. It was that I just felt so anxious around her. Everything felt so different. I guess maybe because she seemed different. I don't know. I mean just being around her made me want to lose myself in her. I felt like I needed to make her mine again. But I couldn't do that; it was too soon, and I was going about everything all wrong.

Yeah, I was a little on edge after she bit my head off, but once she seemed okay we were able to fall into a groove that reminded me of when we first got together, which was a good thing. It allowed me to prove to Mercedes that we should be together without even saying anything. That was the only way I was going to get her back. However, I couldn't shake the feeling that there were things I didn't know and needed the answers to. Things I needed to ask her about. We needed to talk, but when I tried to ask her about her and Puck, she outright refused to talk about him. I was just concerned about her current relationship with Puck and their past relationship that she didn't mention. Why didn't she tell me about her and Puck? Why did I have to hear about it from the smug prick who's trying to take my place in Mercedes' life. She could have told me, I wouldn't have made a big deal about it.

Now? Now I don't even know if I'll have the chance to talk to her ever again. Now I – I just wish things between us were better. Not perfect or anything, just better. I wish we could sit down and talk things through because of what happened…

I thought we were on the same page. I thought she felt the same way I did. Kissing just made sense; we were clicking and she was having a good time. She didn't punch me or end our date when I touched her or got too close. So, I just thought…

I guess that's what I get for thinking. Mercedes did call me dumb when we had our first fight. I guess she had a point. Because I was so wrong. I didn't realize how stupid I had been all this time until I saw the tears in her eyes and my ex-girlfriend running away from me as if I was some monster or something. She was definitely not ready for that, but I don't know why, when our date had gone so well.

Unfortunately, she is the only person that can help me with my misunderstanding. This time, though, I'll give her some time. More time than I have in the past before going to her and trying to figure everything out.

No pressure. I won't be trying to get her to go with me.

We'll just talk because that's what we really need.


	27. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kurt's POV

I told her. I told Mercedes to leave Sam alone. Entirely. But no, my little chocolate diva had to step her stubborn feet into the muddy waters that be Sam.

She wasn't ready for the extra drama that came with Sam. I'm sure deep down she knew things were not going to end well with that date dressed up as a friendly outing. But she had to do it. She wouldn't be my 'Cedes if she didn't.

That's why when she called me crying and mumbling incoherently, I couldn't refrain from departing with those four words that I know were the last thing she wanted to hear. Yes, I told her so. Because I had told her so. She needed to hear it.

Sam destroyed Mercedes after he took her away from me. What made her think that this date was going to be anything different from that charade she likes to call a relationship that Sam tricked her into? When she settled her moaning over boy wonder-less, I let her know that she asked for it. I told her Sam was going to try some funny business, but she had to give it try anyway. I had to get that out of the way before I could be the shoulder she needed. Sometimes tough love is the best love.

But boy did the kiss with the devil do a number on my poor girl. It's her story to tell, but I can tell my side of it.

I think that I have failed Mercedes, in a way, because now she's hesitant to listen to my sound advice. I'm not saying that my opinion is the end all be all, but I make some pretty valid points more often than not. I remember a time when what I thought meant something, but now it's almost like all she hears when I open my mouth is judgment. I'm only to blame for this. That tater tot speech affected us more than either of us are willing to admit. It's easy just to pretend that things are back to normal, but damage has been done that I fear is irreparable. Some of that damage due to her losing herself in Sam. Because of him, we lost us. I don't place sole responsibility on Sam, sure 'Cedes and I both hold our own fault, but the brunt falls onto Sam's shoulders. He drew her away from her friends through the secrecy. He made her feel like they were more than bed buddies when he wasn't really ready for the type of love that Mercedes had to offer. It was that love mixed with her insecurities that allowed her to accept being hidden in a Janitor's closet for Sam's convenience.

I wish with all my Streisand loving heart that she would have confided in me about this secret tryst. Maybe then, she wouldn't have been stranded on a deserted island being visited by Sam when he wasn't spending time with his other real girlfriends. Instead, she did and permitted someone as unworthy as Sam into her heart alienating her and leaving her to deal with all kinds of garbage on her own.

She has us now. Me and Puck. She listens to him, sad to say, more than she listens to me. Though, the stupid lug doesn't realize it. I'm sure she would have reconsidered that crazy date-thing had he told her not to go, instead of shutting her out. He's the reason me and Mercedes started speaking again in the first place, but Puck is so dense he probably has no idea how much he…well that's his story to tell. If he even knows himself, but I see those eyes.

But because he couldn't get over his own issues and be a good friend, our friend went on a date that may have set her back a little. After her initial outburst, she calmed down, but once I said the dreaded 'I told you so,' she started up again and cried for literally two hours. When she settled again, she sounded so defeated, so crushed that I had to rush over to her home. The phone thing wasn't working. When I got there, she cried some more, but I was there holding her, which I think helped her get herself together. She wasn't alone. She had me.

When she could talk coherently, I finally understood her distress.

As she spoke, I gathered that she seemed more upset with herself than anything involving Sam. A plus I guess. She wasn't dehydrating herself because she was scared of falling back into Sam's arms. It was a much different issue, and for that, I am so grateful because for so long she was constantly fighting the battle of keeping away from Sam. Every other day she was calling in near tears about how much she missed him and wanted him back in her life. That faded after he showed up on her porch and I'm glad I don't have to sit through that anymore. It was infuriating to hear a girl with as much chutzpah as Mercedes so broken up over some philandering hole.

Fortunately, for Puck and me, we don't have to worry about that or putting her back together this time. She's not broken. No she's okay, and she'll be just fine, once she stops being so hard on herself. She made a mistake, this time it didn't involve nudity, and it doesn't make her stupid or weak.

It makes her human.


	28. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Puck's POV

Just like I didn't have anything to say to Merce about her stupid _date_ or whatever with Sam, I don't have anything to say to you.

I mean, why she would agree to go out with someone who hasn't tried to be better for her is beyond me. Dude hasn't changed any of his douche bag ways. From where I'm standing, he hasn't stopped trying to get into Mercedes' panties since she let him in the first time. Don't get me started on that crappy excuse for a breakup. If I'd known she was giving it out like that I would – who am I kidding, I feel like the biggest douche for taking advantage of her without even getting any. I wouldn't have gone that far. I wouldn't have used her like Sam did. She's too good of a girl for that. Even if I didn't act like it when we were together. I knew it.

It just sucks that everything I did told her she wasn't. I'm to blame for her and Sam, for the fact that she thought she wasn't worth more.

However, my guilt only goes so far because it wasn't my fault that she went out with him after that stunt he pulled a few weeks ago at her home. That was all her.

If I could get my hands on Sam…

But that wouldn't change anything thing. I couldn't see her. It was a long while before I saw her or even spoke to her. All her calls were sent straight to voicemail and deleted. When I saw her name pop up in my inbox, immediately, I deleted the message, even her texts. I wasn't going to risk it. I would definitely say something that would push her out of my life for good. When I'm angry I have no filter. I'd almost messed things up between me and her enough times since we started back talking. Besides, she has Kurt, her _best friend_ , _her person_.

She has him.

She doesn't need me. So I stayed away.

I didn't see her until she showed up to my house a week after I hung up on her.


	29. Chapter 28

I'm not going to say I was stupid for going out with Sam, but I was STUPID. For like a week, I just moped around feeling like the biggest idiot. I let Kurt, Puck, and myself down. That night after he kissed me I felt the worse. I felt so stupid for giving Sam a second chance, for believing him. I had given him the benefit of the doubt and defended myself to Kurt and in the end, he'd made me eat more crow than I could stomach. I just couldn't get passed the fact that he'd manipulated me or lied to me or something. I don't want to believe Sam is capable of jerking me around purposefully. I mean, yeah, he's jerked me around pretty hard in the past, but not on purpose. At least I never thought so, but after the kiss – the kiss I was so sure I had made it obviously clear that I wasn't receptive to, or anything intimate between us – I don't know. I don't want to believe it, but all arrows point to me getting screwed over by my own judgment and played for a fool by a person I so desperately wanted to call a friend. It all seemed so surreal, like it shouldn't have been happening. I had made myself clear. I thought I did. Didn't I?

I replayed the afternoon over and over in my head and kicked myself for not recognizing (more like ignoring) all the little signs that were screaming at me that the whole idea of going on anything with Sam was a crackish notion and colossal mistake. One I could have avoided had I turned him around at the door after he gawked at me, or, before then when he texted me that he was outside. "Oh, sorry. I'm not going. Keep on driving." That's what I should have done. Do not get me wrong, I'm not trying to paint myself as a victim or saint by any means, but Sam slipped one on me that I wasn't looking for because he was my friend (or something close to it) and respected me enough to honor my wishes. He'd said he 'got it.' That wasn't just something I heard out of nowhere. Those words came from his mouth.

I continued to blame myself for it all going wrong. I had to have led him on somehow, but after a few sessions with Kurt, I started to realize that there was nothing I could have done outside of flat out turning Sam down that would have changed anything, which now I know I should have done. He also helped me to see that I hadn't lost all the progress I've made just because I gave Sam a second chance and things went wrong.

I know he had to be sick and tired of me whining and beating up on myself for being so gullible and foolish. I would have been too if the tables were turned, but just like Kurt, I would have stuck it out because I love him. The time with him really opened my eyes. There were some residual feelings from the tater-tot ordeal that I hadn't gotten over, but after listening to him and his "I told you so's" all of that stuff kind of just didn't matter because despite his harshness sometimes, Kurt is my person and I'm his, and he only wants the best for me. And Kurt is right; I shouldn't have given Sam the time of day. But it's so hard to listen to someone who seems to have it all: a beautiful boyfriend who adores him and self confidence in spite of being one of less than a handful of open gays in Lima. It's even harder to listen to a know it all, but I've learned better. It's much easier to listen to a know it all that always has your best interest at heart and loves you more than any lover can than following my own skewed logic and ending up burned.

The only other good thing that came from this mess with Sam is that I now have the confidence that I'm completely over Sam. I'll always love him, in a way, but I am no longer in love with him. So, the date was basically a blessing in disguise. When he kissed me it wasn't butterflies and fluffy puppies, it was more like hell fire and brimstone (maybe not that bad, but you get the picture). There was nothing about that kiss that I wanted, maybe in a different time, maybe if I were the same me that feared being alone. Maybe then. But not now. Now, it was unwelcome and infuriating that he thought he could just get back with me so easily. That may have been me in the past but not anymore. You live and you learn, and I will not be that person again.

Suffice it to say, now that I've given myself time and accepted that Sam kissed me not the other way around, I am good, like legit good. I'm done with Sam. Yeah, there are still questions; like, why did he kiss me, or did he really love me. But, I don't see those questions ever getting answered, and somehow, I'm fine with that. Sam is still the same person he was when we first hooked up. I am not. And that is all I have to say about Sam.

Puck, on the other hand, I have quite a bit to say about. First, I really miss him. Since my anti-versary, I haven't heard from him. Best believe I tried to call him back after he hung up on me (I don't play that), but he wouldn't answer, anything. My calls, texts, emails. Nothing. I wasn't worried though because I figured he would react this way or worse at least he wasn't in my face. It was cool, he'd come around once his temper settled. That's what I thought, but after a week, I still hadn't heard from him and that wasn't cool.

Second, he didn't have to shut me out and stop talking to me altogether. We're friends. Friends don't do that (well they shouldn't, I get a pass because I'm a girl). What was worse, Kurt hadn't heard from him either, and when he called, Puck was short with him and hung up on him when he started to talk about me.

Obviously, he was mad, but he didn't have to be this mad. That's why I went to see him myself. He couldn't ignore me if I was in front of him. Nope, he'd probably yell or something. As I said before, that's what I thought, but I was so wrong.


	30. Chapter 29

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to Puck's house."

"Hmm. I thought you said he wasn't talking to you the last time I asked about him."

"I did, but now I'm tired of him being a baby and I'm going to make him talk to me."

Mom raised an insinuating left brow as she smiled at me. "It's not what you think, really Mom. We're just friends."

"Sure, you two seem to squabble like an old married couple and if he was just your _friend,_ why wouldn't he be talking to you? Huh?"

I rolled my eyes at my mom. She'd been home for a while and I was beginning to realize why Dad was my favorite. "Long story," before she could open her mouth again, "that I'm not going to tell you. Maybe when I'm old and married and you have one foot in the grave. Just know that we are only friends and he's a temperamental one. He throws diva-size fits."

"Bigger than you?"

"Much bigger."

"Doubt that."

"Yeah, well, I got to go because if I can get there before his mom leaves for work she'll let me in and Puck won't get the chance to slam the door in my face."

"Okay, just be home before dinner. I'm cooking tonight and your dad will be here in time for all of us to eat together."

"Okay, Mom." I grabbed my keys and headed for the front door.

"Oh, baby, be easy on him. I know how you can get and whatever it is, I think it's because he likes you."

"Mom he doesn't like me. We broke up ages ago and we've been friends ever since. Puck's a pretty forward guy, if he liked me I would know. He would make sure I knew. Bye, Mom." I rushed out the house before she could spew more nonsense.

It was a short ride to Puck's house; I practically broke laws trying to get there. I needed to get there and get this over with because I missed my friend. The sooner we made up the sooner I could tell him about this mess with Sam. He probably wouldn't want to hear it, but I thought he would be glad that I didn't give into Sam's advances.

Just as I expected, Ms. Puckerman answered the door (so glad it wasn't Puck).

"Mercedes." She smiled as she let me into her home.

"Ms Puckerman, How have you been?"

"Good sweetie. I haven't seen you around in a while, did my boy do something?"

"No, believe it or not it was me, that's why I'm here. He's home, right?"

"Yeah, upstairs, I'm on my way out, so, I'll leave you to him." She turned to me before she closed the door. "Don't be too easy on hm. He's so spoiled, used to getting his way."

"Don't worry; I won't." Puck's mom laughed as she exited the house, and so did I as I skipped up the stairs.

The door was closed when I reached it, but I decided to walk right in without knocking. The sight that met me caught me off guard (which never happens). Puck was stretched across his bed shirtless, clad in only a pair of black gym shorts. He had his ear buds in his ears listening to his iPod; therefore, he didn't notice me when I came in. I used this to my advantage. For a solid two minutes, I just ogled my friend. Next to Sam, it doesn't seem like it, but Puck is just as fit and attractive in that bad boy with a heart kind of way. He's cute, and for a moment, I appreciated how cute my friend was before I interrupted his solitude and had to listen to his big mouth yell, scream and more than likely insult me on being foolish enough to go out with Sam in the first place.

With a deep breath, I walked over to the bed and poked Puck in the side.

Just like _he_ would or _wouldn't_ do, he didn't startle. He simply canted his head toward me looking at me sideways then turned back around effectively ignoring me. He didn't say anything to me as I stood there waiting for him to do something more than he had. The longer he ignored me the angrier I got. Full of frustration, I smacked him on the back of the head and took one of his ear buds out. When he looked at me again (more like glared), I was standing with my arms crossed over my chest, head cocked to the side, and a frown on my face.

I guess he figured I wasn't going anywhere so he sat up on his bed with his feet touching the floor.

"What?" His voice held hints of the anger from the previous week but was more tainted by fatigue than anything else.

"Don't _what_ me; you've been expertly avoiding me. Get over it."

He shook his head chuckling mirthlessly. "I don't want to, Mercedes, so just go back to your boyfriend, and bother him." He said staring directly into my eyes.

I shook my head at him then sat down by him. I peeked in his direction and found him playing with his hands and his head lowered. He cared so much, but he had to know I hadn't given in to Sam. I bumped his shoulder making sure I had his attention before I started talking. "I don't have a boyfriend." He didn't look up at me; so, I continued. I wanted him to hear how the non-date went. How well I handled things, outside of acting like a big baby afterwards. "We went out as friends, just friends. And, everything was going fine according to me, all the red flags and Sam's slip-ups notwithstanding. I was being gullible and just wanted to prove Kurt wrong. He told me so," I laughed. "He was right because he kissed me after I'd made it clear that I just wanted to be his friend."

Puck glanced up at me with an indescribable expression on his face.

"I didn't sleep with him, if that's what you're thinking. I didn't even kiss him back. That's not what I want from him. I just want – wanted to be his friend, but I see we can't really be that right now."

"You still want to be his friend?" He growled; literally, he growled at me, if he wasn't my friend…

"I'm your friend." I intoned.

"Yeah, but we can both say that things between you and Sam, and you and me were categorically different."

I thought about what he said, and he had a point. Albeit, there were holes in his logic. He didn't know the whole of me and Sam before everything went to hell in a handbag. "I see what you're saying, and I agree to a point." He rolled his eyes. "Puck, Sam wasn't just my…we weren't just – we were more than lovers." He winced but didn't say anything. "We were kind of friends at some time during our thing. We talked and did stuff outside of my bedroom and that's why I went out with him to try to get that back, but he had something else in mind."

"But you didn't?" He questioned in a voice smaller than I thought was possible for him.

"Nope."

"Not even a little?"

"No doofus. I don't want Sam. A friendship, maybe, but I don't see that happening anytime in the near or far future."

"Well, you could do without him anyway." He said sounding like himself, finally not so angry with me.

"Yeah, because I have you, who hasn't talked to me in, oh, a week." Puck didn't even have the decency to look ashamed. "You didn't have to shut me out like that. I get being mad at me for giving into Sam or whatever, but I didn't, and you would've known that had you taken any of my calls."

"I couldn't-"

"Yes you could've. It wasn't like you were dealing with some catastrophic life altering decision you had to make, or death. _I_ was the one who was going out with the viper not you. I get a day or two; you're Puck, it's that or you rip me a new one, but it went longer than two days. Why? Why'd you stay away so long?" He didn't seem to understand how much the distance hurt me.

"I was mad."

"So mad you stopped talking to me? Come on!"

"I couldn't, okay." He mumbled.

"Couldn't what? It wasn't that big of a deal, yeah, it turned into crap, but in the end it helped me realize that I am over Sam. I wanted you to know that, that's why I was calling you. Did you read any of my texts?"

"No-"

"Of course not. You never called me back. Even now, you don't seem to be-"

"I couldn't because I was too mad at _you_." He yelled breaking my train of thought. I hadn't even been paying attention to him.

"Huh?" I couldn't understand why he would be mad at me. I hadn't done anything to him.

Puck jerked up from the bed to stand in front of me. Tortured, that's what that look was, but why? Little did I know, I was definitely about to find out.

"It's so hard, Merce. I had to listen – I don't mind, I don't – but to hear you go on about Sam when he doesn't deserve you – I…then you tell me you two are going on a date." He began pacing.

"That's what I keep trying to tell you, it wasn't a date."

"Regardless of what you're naïve mind wanted to think, Mercedes, it was a date to Sam. I know this because if it were me…it would have been a date."

"But it wasn't." I mumbled stubbornly, not really catching the gist of what Puck was _actually_ saying.

"No not for you. But for him – and _me_ – it was. It was a second chance. You gave him a second chance whether you knew it or not, and all I could think was that should be me. I should be the one-" he paused then forged on. He had come this far I guess he felt no need to stop now despite the pained look contorting my features and the desperation in his voice. "It should have been _me_ that was getting the second chance." He emphasized pointing to his chest.

I couldn't say anything. I don't think I would have wanted to if I could, but he didn't seem to mind or expect me to anyway.

"But it wasn't. It was Sam, and I – I just couldn't. Because it should have been me. And I just knew you were going to fall for Sam's lies. Not because you're dumb or something, but there was no way he was going to let you go. He was going to find a way to make you take him back. I-"

"Puck-"

"Let me finish, okay." He implored finally looking into my eyes. I just nodded my head and allowed him to continue. "I know because I feel the same way. Mercedes, I was angry with you, because I was angry with myself. So angry because you were going out with Sam and I hadn't let you know how I feel." This time Puck sat down beside me looking at the side of my face. He didn't say anything right off, he was waiting for something; it wasn't until I turned to meet his eyes that he went on. "Merce, I –want – I…when you stopped talking to me when you first got with Sam was – I hated it. I never stopped loving you. Or maybe I finally started loving you because what I feel for you now doesn't – it's not the same as before." He sucked in a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and said more. "I want you back. I want to – for real – be with you. No secrets, nothing, just you and me. I don't care who knows it."

This wasn't happening. Not that I could do anything to make it not happen, but if I could I think I might have closed my eyes and wished upon a star or God or something that I could go back in time to keep Puck from pouring out his heart to me. I didn't deserve it. What I was about to say could ruin our friendship and as loathe as I was to say it, I couldn't just neglect what was right for me to make him happy. I'm not going to lie; a gigantic part of me wanted to smile and agree that I felt the same way, if only to keep from losing one of my best friends and breaking his heart. I couldn't. It wouldn't benefit either of us. I was not going to be that person anymore. I wasn't going to smother myself just to satisfy someone else. I just couldn't no matter how much it hurt me not to do so.

He must have seen it in my eyes, the rejection, because his hopeful demeanor dissolved as he looked away from me. I did the same. I didn't want to see his face as I said what he already knew.

"We can't. I can't. I'm sorry." I felt so bad, and I probably should have left, but I had to stay. This was probably it for us. I didn't see how Puck could remain my friend after this. The thought scared me, and fear kept me planted on his bed beside him, neither of us daring to glance at the other. After a few minutes of crippling silence, I was finally, though hesitantly, ready to let my friend be. This had to be worse for him with me just sitting there selfishly, so, I stood to leave. As I did, Puck spoke.

"Is it because of before…because of how I treated you the first time around?"

I spun around slowly to face him. "No."

He peered up at me with anger dancing in his eyes, "Sam?"

I shook my head. "No."

He released a sigh as he covered his face with his hands. I smiled seeing the relief on his face. Puck was obviously relieved, but I could tell he had more questions, and we all know he wasn't going to ask (it took everything in him to ask the two). I was in for some explaining so I rejoined Puck on the bed.

Though my body craved for physical contact, reassurance that things between us that we were still the same, I refrained and kept my hands to myself. No need to add insult to injury. "It's not you, and I know how contrived that sounds, but it's true. It has nothing to do with you or Sam. It's me; I'm not ready for a relationship or anything resembling one. I need to…I need to be alone for a while. I haven't been single long, and I think, before I get in any relationship, I should just be me, with me." I turned to face to him to make sure he understood. He wasn't looking at me, but I don't doubt that he did get what I was saying.

"It's obvious I have a lot of me left to find." I said trying to lighten the mood. I even gave his shoulder a nudge hoping that would at least garner a chuckle from him. Or a frown (anything). But I got nothing. "I'm sorry. I-"

"It's okay. Just forget about it alright."

I hated the sound of defeat in his voice, but I could do that, I could forget. "Okay."

I only let a small space of silence exist before I changed the subject. I needed to get us back on our track. However, things didn't return to normal, the easy banter we'd always shared was rocky and strained. I could tell that he was still feeling dejected but leaving things as they were wasn't an option for me. I needed to know that he would still be there when I called or needed a shoulder. I needed to know that Puck wasn't going to leave me. So, I pressed on trying my best to engage his interest in something, to get him to talk to me, but all I got was a bunch of grunts and monosyllabic answers in reply. Eventually, I gave up, yet, I couldn't leave. My feet wouldn't let me. I just sat there like lump while Puck ignored my fidgeting. After less than a minute, he got tired of it because he slid up on his bed and grabbed his iPod all without looking at me before he kicked me out.

"Look, Merce, we're good, okay. I love you, you're my friend, so; you don't have to worry about me going anywhere. It's forgotten, we'll still be friends tomorrow." I hoped he wasn't lying to me.

I nodded, got up from the bed, walked over and kissed him on his cheek, and whispered, "I'm sorry," in his ear before leaving his room.

As soon as I got into my car, I called Kurt.

"Kurt."

"Yes, Mercedes."

"You will not believe what just happened."

"Try me."

"Puck told me he loved me and wanted us to get back together."

"What did you say?"

"I said no, but wait, you don't seem as surprised as I was."

"Because I'm not."

I rolled my eyes at this character. What did he mean, he wasn't surprised. "You should be. I am."

"Yeah because you're such a blonde when it comes to guys. You were fooled into going out with Sam and you've missed – although I don't know how – all the looks and Puck's major overreactions to you and Sam in any regard. It was obvious from the moment I saw you two together before you and I reconciled. Why do you think I was so worried _you two_ had gotten back together?"

Well he got me there. I hadn't paid any attention to Puck's mood swings or tried to analyze any of the looks I so often caught directed towards me. I didn't have the time nor did I want to give time to it. I was too busy trying to climb from underneath Sam's thumb to even worry about getting under another one. Not to mention, I suck at decoding signals, and the one's I can decode I seem to favor ignoring. But this, I didn't see this coming.

"Kurt, I don't think it was that obvious."

"Oh dear pseudo-innocent Mercedes, don't you remember that day Puck and Sam almost got into it at you house."

"Yes."

"Remember that impromptu bathroom break while Puck _lovingly_ massaged your scalp."

"Yeah, so…oh."

"Yep. Wasn't because he couldn't hold his Mountain Dew. Though I'm not insinuating anything. I do know however that he had to get away from you for a moment to get himself together."

I burst into laughter. I had no idea. "Wow, just wow."

"Yeah, so he asked you to give him another chance to do, what, repeat the past? Because he wasn't much better than Sam as a boyfriend."

"I wouldn't say that, I guess. He…it sounded more like he wanted a chance to start over. He was willing to be public this time-"

"Didn't Sam want the same thing this time?"

"Yeah but clearly Sam's motives weren't pure and he lied. He didn't want to be my friend."

"I told you that."

"I know, but Puck is different. He didn't ask to go on a date or to try. He wants me back as his girlfriend. He said he loved me. He wanted me. You have no idea how hard it was to turn him down."

"I can imagine darling; he has a way with those hazel eyes of his that seem to wrangle you into doing anything he wants."

"Not this time. This time I told him. No. This time I chose me, as hard as that was. God, Kurt, you should have seen him. He said we were okay, but I don't know. I don't know; he looked so hurt. I just…he's not – we're not going to be friends anymore."

"Hey, hey, Mercedes, Puck's not going to bail on you because you didn't give him what he wanted. I've been around you two enough to know that he values your friendship. He said he's not going anywhere and he won't. I'm sure he understands. And Mercedes?"

"Mmhm."

"You did the right thing. You don't need to rush into anything _least of all_ with a temperamental bonehead, Puck's a good guy, but good intentions and all that jazz. You did what was right for you for the first time in a long time, and that's all that matters. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Just give him time to deal. He genuinely cares for you, and he doesn't need you pushing your friendship on him when he _really_ wants more than that from you. When he's ready he'll come around, and don't worry he'll come around. I'm sure he's had these feeling from the beginning and he still put up with your Sam drama, so, don't worry, and give him time."

"Okay."

"No problem, honey."

"Thanks for…everything, especially the advice. I don't know where I'd be without you." I didn't spell it out but I needed him to know that all of that tots stuff was water under the bridge. I had no qualms whatsoever with listening to, considering, or accepting his opinions.

"Oh, Mercedes. Anytime babe, anytime."

"Of course."

"And Cedes?"

"I love you too."

"And I love you."


	31. Chapter 30

It took some time, like until the middle of summer before Puck was able to even talk to me on the phone. He'd been worried about me. He didn't tell me himself; I got that tidbit of info from Kurt. Since school was out, he couldn't see me every day (I saw him keeping an eye on me); so, for a month there was no contact whatsoever between me and Puck except for the updates – or whatever he got from Kurt about me – that is, until Kurt went on vacation. Without his daily (I assume) updates he got worried (me assuming again), caved and called me himself. It was supremely awkward. He didn't say anything outside of 'hi' then went silent. I had to try to keep him talking. Can I say it was the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had to sit through. The boy wanted to talk he should have talked because I didn't really know what to say. I needed him to take the lead (it wasn't like he didn't know how). The whole thing seemed so unlike us. It was like we were strangers, which we kind of were, I guess. I was morphing into the beautiful black butterfly I'd heard about on one of my mom's old albums, and he was kind of a different person, sort of enlightened you could say.

Either way, our communication finally rolled into a comfortable place. Kurt was right; I didn't have to worry about Puck ducking out because I couldn't be what he wanted me to be. He came around, and I'm so glad he did. I'm no hippie who believes in unicorns that poop rainbows, I expected things to be a little off kilter between us. How could it be anything different? You have a temperamental hothead housing unrequited feeling and a burgeoning butterfly (thank you and two-finger snap) who would be cheating herself if she didn't take this time to build on the solid self assured foundation she's laid, breeding for weirdness if you ask me. That being said, the dynamic is different, but solid.

I hate that I lost a confidant the moment Puck told me he loved me. In all fairness, now I can't talk to him about anything Sam related. I won't. Even though we've gotten closer since he first called and things seem better, I still refuse to even mention Sam. That would be a hussy move if ever.

I'm no hussy.

Because I know how to keep my mouth shut, we get along just fine, even if it is a bit strained.

The sad part about all of this is I want to talk to Puck about Sam. For once, I have something to tell him that I think he would be proud of or at least satisfied to hear. I'd told Puck that I didn't reject him because of Sam and I meant it. I'm over Sam. And I owe part of that to Puck. It took some slips and near disasters to get there but I'm there now, and outside of telling my bestie Kurt, I want Puck to share in my accomplishment because he's been there for me since the beginning. I'm learning and finally growing and I can't help but want Puck to be a part of that.

I hope that's not selfish of me.

I know you're thinking my summer had to be about more than me and Puck playing the silent game on the phone, well it wasn't. My summer was full of only that until it was almost over. A couple of weeks before school started I got a visit from none other than Mr. Samuel Evans.


	32. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

I was lounging in my backyard by the pool flipping through a magazine, when I heard the door open and my dad yell to me that I had company. I didn't look up from my magazine because it was probably Kurt; Puck had summer training for football so it was probably most definitely not him. Besides, Kurt and I don't need introductions, we're good like that.

It wasn't until someone stepped in front of me blocking the sunlight that I looked up, and when I saw that person was Sam, I nearly flipped out of the chair. Unexpected. Doesn't even describe how I felt. I wasn't capable of forming a single coherent thought, forget complete phrases. So unlike me, right? Yeah, I know. I just sat there staring at him as if he was Medusa and I'd been frozen into stone. I suppose he was waiting on me to invite him to stay or something (it wasn't going to happen) because he just stared back at me without making a move.

We went on like that until I snapped out of it and found my words. "What do you want?" Not the nicest words but, hey, what did he _expect_ after our last encounter.

"Uh, hi, Mercedes. Uh, I really need to talk to you."

"You could have called."

"You wouldn't have answered." He was right. I think I even blocked his number anyway.

"I tried talking to you before, and that didn't turn out so well. I think we shouldn't. Bye." That was his cue to leave, but he stood there as defiant as he can be daring to go on.

"Mercedes, I don't want to try to get back with you or trick you into anything, if that's what you're thinking, I just want to talk. After the last time I saw you, I feel – we really need to talk because obviously along the way our lines got crossed and I …can we please just talk?"

I can be softie, but I know better when it comes to Sam, now. That's why I couldn't cave just because he _seemed_ sincere. I'd been down this road with him before and I didn't have any plans of trying it again. "No thank you, Sam. I think it would be better if we didn't. You should go."

I averted my attention back to my magazine expecting Sam to comply. I felt the sun on my face again, and for a second, I was relieved until I noticed that Sam had only moved to sit in the seat to the right of me.

"We're talking – I'm talking, whether you like it or not, Mercedes."

I lowered my magazine slowly as my eyes rolled onto his. Sam has never spoken to me quite like that before, can't say I liked it. It actually sparked my temper, but I kept quiet. I didn't really think talking to Sam would make any difference. Things were not going to change between us.

When he didn't say anything, I picked up my magazine and resumed reading the article on winged eyeliner again. I wasn't his to toy around anymore, and I wasn't going to play his games, not this time. He could have sat there all day as far as I cared because being over him afforded me that luxury. Sam's presence affected me about as much as the bird poop in the chair he'd sat in did.

I don't know how long we sat like that because I wasn't paying attention, but eventually he started talking again.

"What did I do wrong?"

I threw the magazine down spinning to the side of my chair placing my feet on the ground. I think I almost snapped my neck with how hard I rolled it. He'd just pushed every button in my possession concerning him. He was about to get it, all of it, but he stopped me before I could proceed to rip him a new one.

"Before you lose it, I'm not talking about two months ago. I'm talking about in the beginning. What did I do to make you break up with me? What did I do to lose you?"

That wasn't any better, but apparently, he didn't know that. The boy could be so dim sometimes. Half of me wanted to believe he was just yanking my chain because there was no way he had no idea why I cut him loose the first time. But looking in his eyes, I could see that he was being completely honest with me. No guise this time. However, that did little to quell my temper.

"Oh, so, you kissing Santana, that was just my imagination?"

"That?"

"Yes, that. What else? Huh? Should I add Quinn, the secrecy, the _freaking_ janitor's closet? Anything else you'd like me to add because I'm deathly sure I could think of more with little effort." I snarled rising from my seat to stand in front of him.

He stood himself, putting distance between us as if I would hit him or something (if I hadn't already I wasn't going to) before he spoke again. "I thought we talked about this already when you broke up with me. Santana _kissed_ me; you know that. This can't be it. Can't be why you broke up with me."

I threw my hands in the air at his confused tone. He really didn't get it. Well, I had nothing but time and given the opportunity I was surely going to spell it out for him.

"Oh **Sam** , I'm refraining from being as rude as I can be right now because that wouldn't get us anywhere, but you **have** to know how seeing you **allow** Santana kiss you without refusal or pushing her off hurt me."

A poodle lost in the middle of the wilderness, that's how Sam looked. I roll my eyes now, but that very ignorance infuriated me then. " **SAM**! How can you not? I – we were supposed to be together and you'd told me that the thing with you two wasn't real and definitely not physical, and then I see her in your lap. Doesn't matter who kissed who, _**your**_ lips were touching hers. And when I stood there practically begging you to tell me I wasn't seeing what I was seeing, you said nothing. You didn't even tell Santana to stop calling me names or to leave me alone." I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. "You said nothing. No apology. No explanation. You didn't care enough to do anything. How was I supposed to feel? How do you _still_ not understand how badly you broke my heart?"

When I finished, the wind was gone and so was the fury. I just felt – I felt everything. I slumped into my seat again staring up at Sam hoping that he finally got it.

Sam didn't move from his spot. He just peered into my eyes as if he was reading a book. I blinked back tears looking away from his stupid gaze. I just wanted him to leave. I thought he wouldn't get it. Not because he was dumb or simple but mostly because he didn't want to. I just assumed he didn't want to be the villain to my victim. That wasn't how he saw himself and there was no way I could open his eyes if he didn't want me to.

"I – MJ – I didn't…I just thought that since I didn't kiss her back – it wasn't my fault – that you understood. I didn't see it like that. I just thought you were upset and taking things too far. I had no idea. I didn't know I'd hurt you like _that._ " Sam walked over sitting at the end of the lounge chair beside me. "Mercedes, I'm sorry. Why didn't you say anything?"

I turned to face him. "I tried."

I could see the cylinders cranking in his head then I saw a deep frown crease his forehead and harden his eyes. "Not hard enough. I remember you making love to me then kicking me out so fast I couldn't wrap my head around what happened."

A dry chuckle ruffled past my lips. I looked out towards the end of my backyard. "You have no idea how hard I tried. Sam, I had every intention of baring my soul and laying it all out for you to see but – you know I loved you." It was more a statement than anything, but I couldn't help the question that crept in.

"Yeah." He murmured turning his face away from me.

"You don't know how much, Sammy. I loved you more than I'd loved anyone, ever. The fact that I accepted only a part of you when you should have given me all of you should have told you how much. But we're young and sometimes we're more self-centered than we know."

I released a sigh folding my hands in my lap letting a tear fall. "I could never make you hear me, and when you showed up, I gave in. You weren't listening. You didn't want to _hear_ me, and I couldn't deny you. My heart ached for you. I longed to have you love me the way I love you. The only time I could believe you did was when we made love. So I did. I gave you what you wanted and took what I needed. It didn't cross my mind until it was over how wrong I was or how it would affect what I knew I had to do. I loved you with everything, Sam, and gave you beyond what I had. And it tore me up that you took me for granted, but I tried.

" _I_ tried to make you see that. I tried to explain about Quinn, and you keeping us a secret, and Santana. I tried but you wouldn't hear me. You didn't want to see yourself the way I did. You didn't want to be the person who'd hurt the person he was supposed to love."

My eyes trailed down to look at my lap. Somewhere along the way, Sam had laid his hand atop both of mine clutching them gently. A part of me wanted to snatch my hand away from him and slap him across the face for thinking he deserved the right to touch me. Yet, the biggest part that wanted his comfort, his sympathy? let him rub his thumb over my knuckles. It allowed him to offer me the comfort I'd always wanted from him.

He'd asked the first question, gotten the ball rolling, so to speak, but now it was my turn and even though I _had_ to ask this question, I wasn't so sure I was ready for the answer. I figured either way I wouldn't be satisfied. "Did you ever really love me?" The words barely made it out of my mouth. They were muttered so quietly that I didn't even think Sam had heard me. If he hadn't, there was no way I was going to repeat what I'd just said.

He heard me. He also removed his hands from mine.

"Are you serious?" Incredulous, he had the nerve to be shocked. I kind of wanted to punch him for that.

"I'm not asking for kicks and giggles." I'm sure he could hear the tears in my voice.

Sam shook his head then turned his body toward mine grabbing me by my shoulders and pulled me to face him. "What did I do to make you think I don't love you? Because I do. I have never loved anybody else."

"The question shouldn't be 'what did you do', more like what didn't you do, Sam."

"Then tell me. Because I need to know how you could believe that I don't – never – loved you. Because Mercedes, with all my heart and soul I love –loved you. How…" he dropped his hands from my body but continued staring at me like I'd destroyed his mint condition Darth Vader action figure.

I took a deep breath. This was going to be hard, but he was right. He did need to know, if only for my peace of mind. Finally, I would be able to close the door on Sam and me without any loose ends or questions floating in the in between.

"The simplest thing I can start with would be the fact that you refused to date me in public. Sam I-"

"You can't pin that on me. You agreed. That should have been the end of that."

"Well it wasn't." I shrugged. "Yeah, I agreed, but not because I wanted to-"

"I didn't force you into anything. I would never do something like that, and you know it." He was right but only partially. Sam didn't force me, but he sure wouldn't have just given in to my wishes.

"If I'd asked you to go public or refused from the beginning, would we have ever even been what we were?" I questioned with a raised brow daring him to understand what I meant.

Sam stared hard at me then rose from our seat to walk to the fence surrounding my yard. At first, I didn't follow him, maybe he needed to get his thoughts together for a yes or no question (I'm just saying). I couldn't see his face, and after a couple of minutes I couldn't take it anymore. I joined him at the fence.

"Sam it's not that hard to answer."

Sam whipped around and zipped past me swiping at his eyes before facing me again. "You don't understand."

"I do, Sam. I do – God help me – I do. That's why I went along with it in the first place. Because I understand. That didn't stop me from hating that I couldn't be seen with you in the halls or sneaking around with you in the janitor's closet."

"Then why did you do it?"

"For the exact reason that you couldn't answer my question. I loved you and didn't want to lose you. I knew if I forced the issue you'd leave me or if I hadn't agreed that day in the closet we wouldn't have been anything to each other, which in hindsight, would have been better than watching you date other girls."

"I – I…when I broke up with you. I was – I knew you deserved better. I was trying to do that for you."

"Yeah, well, it was too late to matter by then. I had abandoned everything for you. My friends. My grades. Everything. I gave up everything for you only to have you act as though I meant nothing to you." I could feel my heart breaking all over again rehashing our past. I needed this to end, but I couldn't see how unless I had let it all go.

Sam's brows knitted in confusion. "I have never treated you like that, Mercedes. Where are you coming up with some of this stuff? You meant the world to me, even now. You will always mean everything to me."

"Santana." I didn't have to say more.

"Mercedes, it isn't what you're thinking." He said exasperated.

"Then please tell me what it really was because it has _literally_ been a thorn in my heart for far too long, Sammy." I implored him trying to control the anger attempting to push past my hurt. I lowered my head. I couldn't look at him. I didn't want him to see me fall apart. Oh, how I wished digging up all this old stuff didn't still hurt, but it did and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was standing a few feet from Sam, but when he began to speak, he closed the space between us putting a finger under chin and lifting my head so that my eyes met his. Once I was staring into his stormy blue eyes, he promptly removed his finger.

"You – Mercedes – I was so scared to say anything. **OR** saying the wrong thing. You were so hurt. I could see that – I didn't miss that – but I didn't know what to do. You and Santana were going at it. I wanted to say something to Santana – I should have – but everything was happening so fast. At the time, I can admit, I was stupid and didn't know how _much_ you were hurting. I thought if you'd just let me explain you'd understand. We could move past it, but you never let me-"

"Are you blaming me?" I asked unable to hide the hurt in my voice.

"No, I'm not. I did, but not now. Not knowing what I know now. Just know Mercedes that I wanted to say something – do something – I just didn't want to lose you. I was trying to explain this that day you broke up with me, but you were too upset and ranting about me not loving you and our relationship only being about sex. You don't believe that, do you? Mercedes, tell me you don't."

"I can't and I won't." The words didn't come out mean or rude just truthful.

"Mercedes. I know you don't think I loved you, which I hope I have proved you wrong, but that I would use you for sex-"

"After we 'broke up' or whatever and you decided you wanted me back we didn't talk like before. It _was_ mostly just sex. You might have said a few sentences before, but that was it. Nothing like before we broke up…when we were something close to friends."

He grew silent averting his gaze from me. He focused his eyes on an object behind me then lowered his head before catching my eye again. "It wasn't because I only wanted sex from you." Sam sounded pained, which puzzled me; however, I didn't say anything. I just gave him time to explain. The timid almost ashamed voice that came from his mouth was completely unexpected. "I didn't think I _could_ talk to you anymore."

My eyebrows furrowed. "What? You could have talked to me. Why would you think otherwise?" I just didn't understand.

"The things you said when I broke up with you."

I tried to remember what he was talking about. Had I said anything that had made Sam think that he couldn't talk to me? Before things blew up between us, all I wanted was for Sam to talk to me. I was drawing a blank, and he could tell. So with a huff, he told me exactly what I'd said to change our 'relationship' so drastically.

"I know you've apologized. I accepted it, even. But you called me stupid, and dumb, and a whole bunch of other stuff. After everything I'd told you. You took some of my deepest fears and threw them back at me in the worst way possible. Those things you said…how could I talk to you after that? You're not like me; you're smart. Anything I said – I felt too stupid. You didn't want to talk to me if you really felt that way." He lowered his head.

My hand flew to my mouth hiding a gasp as that day in the janitor's closet rushed into my mind. All the horrible things I said came flying back. I'd said them in the heat of my anger. I was disoriented. Was it my fault that Sam stopped talking to me? "Sam – I'm sorry."

"I know. You've told me more than once, but it doesn't help no matter how much I want it to."

"But I mean it."

"Did you mean everything _else_ you said?" Sam asked raising his left brow looking back up at me. "Because it really felt like you meant that too?"

"So, I'm the reason you stopped wanting to talk?" Was my guilt-ridden question.

He looked down and away from me.

All the answer I needed. "Sam, I was just angry."

"Yeah, I know and people say things they don't mean when they're upset. It just seemed like you'd been waiting to tell me that stuff from the moment we got together."

"That's not true." I said urgently.

"Then tell me you didn't mean it. Tell me I'm wrong and you never felt that way about me."

Ugh, he had to use a broad word like 'never'. I'm not a liar (well not really), and this definitely was not the time to start. "I can't say 'never'."

"I knew it." He threw his hands up into the air looking anywhere but at me.

"But you have to remember I was furious and hurt and I just wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. There was literally nothing I could think of that would inflict that much pain. And yeah, at the time that I said it and months afterward – especially after Santana – I believed the things I said and worse. That doesn't mean that I thought that before everything went wrong, and I certainly don't feel that way now. I'm sorry because I'm sorry not because I'm supposed to be."

Sure Sam is a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but that doesn't mean he's a dumb piece of crap or stupid or even moronic. I just wanted to hurt him. After I apologized, I thought he'd moved on. I should have known better, but I was too preoccupied with my own junk to even think that anything I said or did could affect him.

Sam glanced up at me with hope in his eyes as if he really wanted to believe me. "Really?"

"Yes, Sammy, I just wanted to hurt you. Considering how unsure I was about how much I meant to you I didn't think it affected you like that."

He shook his head. "You do matter to me." He declared staring me in my eyes. "Mercedes, you were the most important person in my life. Of course, what you thought of me _affected_ me. I'm not some monster."

"No, you're not, but come on," I shrugged my shoulders. I'm remorseful for my actions, but he needed to see where I was coming from. "We were sneaking around, and you were dating other people. I mean I was never your girlfriend. Not in title or any other way. How was I supposed to know how much I meant to _you_ , when I had no idea what we were from the beginning?"

"Discounting everything that I did wrong and all the ways I hurt you, you were always so special to me. _You_ were everything that mattered in my life. Even now, I miss you being there; I hate that I was so blind I couldn't see what we were doing to us. I was being selfish. I can see that now but it was all because I didn't know how to be without you even when I was mad or hurt. You're my first love." I could tell he was trying to appeal to the part of me that would always love him, but I couldn't. I wanted to but I couldn't.

"And still I can't help but feel like you didn't love me enough to call me your girlfriend…even in private."

"If I said I'm sorry and you were always more to me than a girlfriend, would you believe me?"

I thought on it a little before I answered. Sure, Sam hadn't been the best boyfriend, but things between us weren't what you would call typical or the norm. How was I to expect normal results from a wack situation? If I were to believe what Sam said, which I'm inclined to do, then he did love me and everything else was a huge misunderstanding and teenage ignorance on both our parts. So, could I accept his apology? "Yeah, Sam." I smiled at him then asked a question of my own. "If I tell you once more that I'm sorry for everything I said to hurt you, would you believe _me_?"

Sam rolled his eyes and wiped a hand down his face to cover his mouth. When he moved his hand, he revealed his bright smile. He beckoned me to come to him with outstretched arms and a 'come here' wave of his hand. I thought better of his offer, but this time I knew that he would behave and I would be all right.

I took the few steps to him, and when I reached him, he gathered me into his arms holding me tightly. For once, there weren't any undertones in his touch just quiet love and appreciation. We held each other for a long time (possibly reliving the past year and a half). When we finally found the courage to pull away from what we knew was the last time, we both had tears glistening in our eyes.

I wiped at my eyes while my ex swiped at his. I giggled at how violently he beat his tears away, which roused a chuckle from deep in his throat. He finished abusing his lingering tears then grabbed my hand and led me to the lounge chair we'd been sitting on earlier.

We sat in a silence lightened by mutual understanding and companionship. Shoulder to shoulder, we just enjoyed each other's company for at least five minutes before either of us chose to break the quiet.

"So are we…I want to say good…but I think I should settle for you not wanting to kill me? Are you there?" Sam turned to face me with an uneasy smile that almost looked like a grimace were it not for his sparkling eyes.

I turned to him with a confident smile and replied, "Yeah, I'm there."

We looked at each other both free of the drama that had been floating over our heads as our very own crap clouds, and I knew the air was clear. We were both unburdened.

"I'm glad we got everything out in the open."

"Me too…"

"Say it one more time with feeling." I sniggered then sobered. He really didn't sound too convinced. "What is it, Sam." I rolled my eyes at him. I wasn't mad, but I'd thought we were done. I so wanted to be done.

He didn't say anything.

"Out with it. Just say it. You may not get another chance. So go for it. I'm listening."

Sam's head tilted downward with his eyes on his feet and didn't look up again until later after I had spoken. "What really happened between you and Puck?"

"What?" I think that came out of left field, but I also think that for Sam it had been right there on the mound waiting to be tossed out.

"Puck – every – you two are really close now – but he – it doesn't matter. I just, what happened between you two?"

"It was before you and me."

"I got that much."

"Then what _else_ do you need to know?"

"I don't know. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think it was important. He and I broke up. We remained friends; you came along and that friendship kind of suffered because of me. 'We' happened then he was there for me. I-"

" _There for you_?"

"Not like you think, he was just being a great friend."

"But he does _still_ have feelings for you." It was not a question. Was I the _only_ one in the world oblivious to Puck's feelings? I didn't know what to say. I mean, agreeing seemed kind of weird. I did nod, though, if he saw me, I have no idea.

"Did you and him…you know?" So this was what he really wanted to know. God, men. I let him dangle on the line a bit before answering, because duh, he kind of had no right. And I thought he knew the answer to this question. Or at least I think he should have.

"No, Sam."

A sigh of relief blew past his lips, and I chuckled under my breath. "Why does it matter?"

"It just does. If you were a guy, you'd understand." He smiled broadly and I could tell his mind wasn't on what we were talking about. My best guess is that he was very happy that he was my one and only and that he got to me before Puck did (just a guess but I assume a pretty accurate one).

"Was that it? Everything out of your system, no more questions. Speak now or forever hold your peace." I said turning toward him and poking him in the shoulder.

"Okay, promise you won't get mad or anything."

"I promise. I think."

He smiled at me shaking his head. "MJ, I love you – don't say anything-" he held up his hand to emphasize his point. "It's true. I've loved you from the moment I saw you smile in glee club. I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. But I'm also an idiot and ruined any chance I had with you when I tried to trick you into getting back with me on that date." He saw the look in my eyes and preempted my interruption. "We don't need to talk about that day. I was being a fool. And only saw what I wanted to see. You were only ready for friendship then, and I messed that up with my selfishness. Because of that, I know there's not a snowball's chance of you and me being in a real relationship. I get that, for real this time." He paused and took a deep breath, and I felt it blow past my face. "I probably shouldn't ask but I would be an even bigger idiot if I didn't try. Okay, here goes."

He scooted closer to me on the chair. It felt like he was about to ask me for my hand, but I know he knew better than that so I didn't panic and punch him to shut him up. "I would like for us to be friends."

My face scrunched in distaste.

"That's only if _you_ think _you_ can. I just want you in my life in any way possible."

I let his words settle in my mind. I stood from the chair getting some distance. Did I want to play with the devil? Sure, we'd just talked about everything and it seemed like I should be able to move on, but was I ready? "I don't know," were the first words out of my mouth. My only truth to give, and the first time that a sad Sam hadn't broken into my heart and taken my free will. He was hurt, but he wasn't my concern, I was. "I need time to think about it."

"Oh, okay," he said dejectedly.

"It's not a brush off, Sam. If I never wanted to be your friend, the person I am now would have told you. I'm going to think about it, okay."

He rose from the chair and walked over to me, cradled my jaw and kissed me on the cheek.

"I understand. Give me a call when you figure it out. Bye Bambs."

"Bye, Sammy."

As he walked out through the fence door, I felt light and heavy at the same time.

I was finally free.


End file.
